I can't even believe I'm writing about this. March 3rd I went into early labor at 24 weeks. My water broke in my bedroom. The ambulance rushed me to the ER, alone b/c my husband had to watch our two little girls, 3 & 1 y.o. I was bleeding heavily and needed an emergency c-section. I can hear and see everything in my mind like it happened yesterday. Right before the surgery, I met the neo-natologist. The baby still had a faint heartbeat. As I lay on the table, the doctor delivered my son at 2:45am. There was nothing but silence. The anesthesiologist asked me if I wanted medication. He said it might give me amnesia. I didn't understand. I told him I wanted to be alert in case I had to make a decision about the baby. That's when my doctor told me he was gone. My whole world just fell to pieces in an instant. My little boy was gone. After having to go through fertility treatments to have my daughter, this pregnancy was a miracle. My husband and I were told we wouldn't get pregnant on our own, but we did. And now to lose him, the son that I prayed for. I am devastated. A nurse gave me a phone to call my husband to tell him what happened. He kept asking, "What? What? What do you mean?" The nurse had to explain. After the surgery, I was in Labor & Delivery recovery, surrounded by other women who had just given birth. I could hear their babies crying. It's just not fair. The nurse asked if I wanted to see my son and I got to hold him. He was so small and cold and fragile. At only 13 ounces, he fit in my hands like a little doll. They had swaddled him and he had a tiny hat on his head. When my husband finally got there, they had moved me to a private room on the maternity floor. I was holding the baby and he just looked at me like I was crazy for holding a dead baby. But I didn't want to let him go. It's like if I held him long enough he would just wake up. My husband finally held him. Then he put him back in his little bed. I was on so much medication and everyone kept telling me to try to sleep but how could I? I finally got moved to a regular room on the med-surg floor, and was discharged the next day. We went to the funeral home on the way back from the hospital. I still can't believe I had to make arrangements to bury my baby. How did this happen? We had plans and baby John was part of everything and now he's gone. My 3 year old has been waking up with nightmares about the ambulance coming to take me away and she keeps asking where the baby is. I don't know what to do. I am so sad and frustrated and angry at the same time. This has just been a nightmare that I can't wake up from.