Thank you Justice, my heart is breaking too and I am just a mess. I too had difficult time growing up with my mother. I was her target when things were going wrong and she is my trigger to bring me onto that emotional rollercoaster. I have tried hard my entire life time to keep things peaceful and know when to stay away but have also built a wall around me. My two allies have died within 6 months of one another, my aunt in December and now my father.

I have my daughter, my dog and kitten who have been wonderful. And the love and memory of my father.

Take care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers.

I know it's really hard. My Mom is the same way, she is very cruel and can't stand me. So it's me,and my Puppy Nico together to love eachother and my Dad's memory to.
But, I'll keep you in my prayers to,we seem to have a these things in common, which are very tough to deal with alone. But I'll be here for you anytime.

i lost my dad on 25 june 2007 and to be honest i really dont think i will ever get over it, i mean its been 6 months and i still cry everyday for him and when i close my eyes i see him laying in his hospital bed with no life in him or i see the funeral car pulling away with my dad in the back of it in a box, you may think im angry and maybe i am but no one knows just how much i loved my dad. and even writing this im choking back the tears, my family try to help by i block them cause im trying to save them my pain, i mean why should my family have to deal with my pain as well as their own, its too hard and i know that one day i will see him again but that seems like forever. does anyone else get like this.

laura, i am so sorry for your loss.
i hate that but at least its a start..."does anyone else feel that way?" yes every day of my life.. i lost my dad in January, i saw him in the same place and watched the car...... angry, guilty ,sad, happy, screaming, lost .... there are parts of me that does not even know where to start ? but then there is also my family... they are huge part of my life and strange as it may seem, trust me you would have to meet them, they can help you.
my life, is that they reminded me why i didnt have anything to do with them before he died! but then my sister, who had even less contact with them than i did, has found comfort with them.
we all find look to find answers.... you might just find that opening up and talking to your family you too could find at the very least some comfort or understanding.. if not we are always here to listen..
big hugs

steash

I am so very sorry for your loss, reading your blog brought tears to my eyes. I am 29 years old & had never lost a loved one til this year. I was sitting at home on saturday March 15th 2008 & the phone rang. My Mom, Sister & I were going to start the saturday off just as we always would. My Dad had left at 1:00 AM on Saturday morning to go out of town on a hunting trip that two of his long time friends had invited him to. My Dad had told them that he couldn't go because he didn't have the money for it but they begged him to go along and offered to pay the expenses. My Dad had been off of work since mid January for a slight heart attack that took him to the hospital for 4 days. They had put a stint in one of the valves of his heart due to what they call minor blockage. The doctor had told us that the heart attack was small and had done little damage to the heart. He was quickly put on plavix to thin the blood that would be follow thru the new stint thwy had put in. He was also given new meds for his diabetes & after the 4th day in the hospital he returned home. He was suppose to be off of work for 6 to 8 weeks under dr.'s orders. When he came home he seemed to be ok, just had somewhat of lck of energy. He remained of of work and at the beginning of February was suppose to start cardiac rehab. The 1st appt he went to was for a stress test that was done on the treadmill. The readings of the stress test didn't look good and my Dad quickly had chest pain. He was then put in the hospital immediately and the following day 2 more stints were put in. The doctor then said there was additional blockage, that he never bothered to mention before. They sent my Dad home the following day and he seemed fine. Then Friday March 13 he had a doctor appt with the cardiologist that released him back to work that following monday march 17th. But 9 hrs and 45 min after my dad left our house for the hunting trip he was gone. I can't believe I lost my Dad. He was 56 years old and his B-day was 6 weeks away. I feel like he was taken away too earlier. I never thought I wouldn't have my Dad in my ife and I don't know how to deal with it. My Mom and Dad are my whole world. My dad had a massive heart attack and will never get to come home fromthat hunting trip. I miss him so much, and the funny things is that my dad had a bad temper and we would usually argue here and there. But I give anything to have an arguement with him today if he could just be here. I have never gone thru anything like this before and feel so helpless. He is gone and there is nothing I can do about it, nothing will change it and it makes me so mad. I feel like shaking someone and asking them why why'd you take my dad away from us. It wasn't his time. I know it wasn't. It makes me sick to know that he was hurting and none of us were there with him. I wish I could have been there to hold his hand and tell me I love him. To tell him that I would take care of my mom and the house. I hate to think that he was scared and I couuldn't be there for him. He was alwasy there for me. It didn't matter what it was, he was there. Now all I see is him in the casket at the funeral. I can't get it out of my head. Everywhere I go I expect to him as I normally would. Now when I call home he doesn't answer the phone, I don't hear him walking down the steps to come downstairs when he gets up in the morning, and he isn't sitting in the recliner in the living room when I walk in the door. Everything I look at reminds me of him. i'm surrounded by his belongings and everything has a memory to it. The memories make you want to smile but right now all I can do is cry. I can't believe that I just went to my own fathers funeral. I thought I had at least 20 more years left with my parents. I have never gone a day in my life of 29 years, not a day that I haven't either seen or spoke to my Dad. Now I haven't seen him in 22 days, and I keep thinking he's gonna come home from hunting and he never does! On top of this I have to see my Mom that I love dearly, be in so much pain. She is not doing very well, She was with my dad for 34 yrs. They did everything together, and now she has lost her best friend lover partner companion father of her children husband boyfriend, I can't begin to imagine her pain. I hate this, our lives are going to be so much different we have to move because we cant afford to stay in the house we are in and all of the changes that we have to make are going to be so hard. But the hardest part is going to be that my dad wont be part of the changes. It's like we have to start a new way of life and he's being left out. I don't know what to do anymore, I try to stay strong cuz I know I have to be for my Mom and I know my dad doesnt want me to be sad and hurting. But I can't help it cry several times thru out the day and I had to return to work which is really hard.

Hello Jessica, I feel your pain. Are you OK?

I see that you posted in this thread today and I just wanted you to know that we're all here for you, even if we have no wonderful words of wisdom.

I lost my own Mom & Dad in 1980 & 1985 which is before some of the members here were even born. I'm in my 50's now, but that doesn't make grief any easier to bear, I can assure you of that.

Naturally I still I remember my parents, and I most definitely (still) feel the pain of their leaving.

I don't know if you'll believe this right now, but the pain does ease over time. The memories remain but those awful painful, teary days and nights do ease.

I hope the pain eases for you before too much longer Jessica, and I know that's easy for someone else to say, but I've been there, and the only thing that eased my own pain was time.

Please feel free to send me a personal message (PM) if you want to talk.

I send you lots of hugs. Anne

Hi Jessica! I see Anne has already welcomed you, and I just read your post, which also touched me. I lost my dear Mother last June and have been struggling w/missing her ever since, so I understand how you feel.

She was so energetic and in my life every day, but fell ill and 3 1/2 wks later, was gone. I have accepted losing her, but I miss her presence in my life so much. That's what's hard, so Yes, I understand.

Time heals, tears help and talking about your loss is good therapy. Please know that there are many members here who can relate to your sorrow and sadness.

Have you gone over to the New Members Intro thread yet? If you feel like it, please post and intro yourself. Many more members will see it there and you'd be surprised how supportive and warm this board can be.
Please make yourself at home and I am sorry for your loss, but your Dad knew you loved him. take care Jessica and hope to see you posting again.

"cuddle" strange word to you guys but trust me it beats a hug hands down...
it means, to me anyway, that " for just a split second in time someone wraps their arms around you and makes the world okay"
i lost my dad a year ago... feels like yesterday..
i cry everyday..
i wish i could find the words to make you feel better.
i'll just try this ...
big hugs, huge cuddles... your not alone
love from the other side of the planet
steash x