((((((Justice)))))),

I'm sorry there's been so much anger and pain and loss surrounding you recently.

It's hard to keep your balance when the one thing that you have the most difficulty with keeps happening over and over again.

It doesn't give you time to heal and to recover from one assault on your heart before another one happens.

You know, honey, I believe that The Universe will keep placing a lesson in front of us until we learn it. There's so much anger and violence surrounding you, I wonder if The Universe wants you to discover your calm and peaceful side

There just aren't enough words to comfort someone who's had so much loss in their life. Other than to say "I understand" and "I wish you didn't have to go through this".

I'll say a quiet prayer tonight for the friends and family that you've lost recently. I'll pray for you too, Justice -- pray that you find peace in your heart.

Hugs.

Barb

I'm really afraid of who's going to die next,because I have 3 little brothers that have drug problems,and they only worsened after my Dad died,and I understood why they got worse,because they were raised just like me,not knowing how to deal with loss! So they self medicate with drugs.Because of the way I was treated by my Mom and most of the rest of my family including other relatives when I seeked help,and was diagnosed Bi-polar/Schizo-affective disorder.That sent a message to the rest of my family that it was a bad thing to get help,and that they would be judged and shunned just like me.So they don't dare,instead they do drugs to drown out the pain,and any other symptoms they may have.My Dad told me,while he was still working as a Psychologist Ph.D that my Mom was Bi-Polar,and she refused to get help,or be medicated,that she was in denial.I have a hard time believing that out of 11 kids that I'm the only one that has a mental illness.Both of my illnesses are hereditary! But the youngest are twins,and now they are 26 years old,but both are drug addicts,one is addicted to heroine,and pain pills,and the other just pain pills,and he drinks a lot with the pills. The other little brother is 28 years old,and is in and out of jail for methamphetamines,using and selling it,and he's an addict,plus he's hooked on pills too,and he drinks.And everytime the cops try to stop him in a car he gets in a high speed chase! I try to talk to them,and be there for them,and never judge them.But I'm really afraid that one of them are gonna be next.I have other older brother that are extremely overweight and diabetic,and they are in poor health because of the mixture of the excessive weight and the diabetes. I'd rather my Mom go next,that may sound bad,but she is pure evil! I believe that if my Mom was gone,my brothers just might look for help,and not be so afraid to reach out,before it's too late! But they come to me,when they need to talk,cause they know that I'm the only one that understands and won't judge them,or tell my Mom on them! Now thats sad for them to have to live that way!And I don't want to lose them,but my Mom is going to end up causing there death by her judging and beliefs that getting help is bad!

Justice,

My heart goes out to you. I just lost my father last week. He was always so active and healthy and his life ended suddenly due to the hospital screwing up and releasing him. If they only treated him he would still be here. He was only 73. He was a great father, a funny man and loved by everyone. He was my mother's best friend even though they bickered like little children but they took care of one another. I am so upset and angry.

I hope the pain eases over time but the memories of my father will always remain. He was a wonderful man and will be missed by all.

Take care of yourself justice. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Thanks! I'm so sorry you lost YOUR father,and just so recently,that must be so hard for you right now,yet you have such a heart to reach out to me,when you're going through this at this moment in time for you!
I knew my Dad was not going to make it through this last attack he had,yet the same thing happened to him,the hospital released him,he went back to his retirement home,and 3 days later he was back in the ER,and about a week later,he died! I still have a hard time with trusting that hospital,even though that's the hospital doing all my test's and stuff,it just reminds you of your loved one,doesn't it? It's hard to forget the place you lost your loved one,because you keep hoping you can go back there,and see him.

I just got to see my Dad's Grave for the first time since his funeral this year for memorial day,to put flowers on it! The first time I saw his headstone.In the past,my family thought I wouldn't be able to handle it,so they would'nt take me,and it's too far to walk,and there aren't any buses that go out there!It actually made me feel like I was showing my Dad that I cared,by being there,even though I did cry.But I got to tell him I loved him,and I got to thank him for my little Nico(my puppy),I look at him as a gift from my Dad!But before that,it really upset me that I couldn't go,because I didn't want my Dad to think I was choosing not to go.But then I realized that my Dad spends a lot of time in my apartment,I feel him,sometimes I smell his cologne.And I know he's watching over me,and he knows how the rest of the family is with me,so I have to remind myself that he understands,and won't blame me,that he can now come to me! His love surrounds me,and when I'm down is when I feel him the most!

Your father can now be with you as well,even though right now the pain is at it's worse,because it just happened.But he's watching over you,and even if you don't have all the time in the world,and get busy,here and there with life! He does have all the time in the world,and can be wherever you are,right by your side.Love is the most powerful thing in all existence,and can do amazing things.He'll always be with you.

Thank you Justice, my heart is breaking too and I am just a mess. I too had difficult time growing up with my mother. I was her target when things were going wrong and she is my trigger to bring me onto that emotional rollercoaster. I have tried hard my entire life time to keep things peaceful and know when to stay away but have also built a wall around me. My two allies have died within 6 months of one another, my aunt in December and now my father.

I have my daughter, my dog and kitten who have been wonderful. And the love and memory of my father.

Take care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers.

I know it's really hard. My Mom is the same way, she is very cruel and can't stand me. So it's me,and my Puppy Nico together to love eachother and my Dad's memory to.
But, I'll keep you in my prayers to,we seem to have a these things in common, which are very tough to deal with alone. But I'll be here for you anytime.

i lost my dad on 25 june 2007 and to be honest i really dont think i will ever get over it, i mean its been 6 months and i still cry everyday for him and when i close my eyes i see him laying in his hospital bed with no life in him or i see the funeral car pulling away with my dad in the back of it in a box, you may think im angry and maybe i am but no one knows just how much i loved my dad. and even writing this im choking back the tears, my family try to help by i block them cause im trying to save them my pain, i mean why should my family have to deal with my pain as well as their own, its too hard and i know that one day i will see him again but that seems like forever. does anyone else get like this.

laura, i am so sorry for your loss.
i hate that but at least its a start..."does anyone else feel that way?" yes every day of my life.. i lost my dad in January, i saw him in the same place and watched the car...... angry, guilty ,sad, happy, screaming, lost .... there are parts of me that does not even know where to start ? but then there is also my family... they are huge part of my life and strange as it may seem, trust me you would have to meet them, they can help you.
my life, is that they reminded me why i didnt have anything to do with them before he died! but then my sister, who had even less contact with them than i did, has found comfort with them.
we all find look to find answers.... you might just find that opening up and talking to your family you too could find at the very least some comfort or understanding.. if not we are always here to listen..
big hugs

steash

I am so very sorry for your loss, reading your blog brought tears to my eyes. I am 29 years old & had never lost a loved one til this year. I was sitting at home on saturday March 15th 2008 & the phone rang. My Mom, Sister & I were going to start the saturday off just as we always would. My Dad had left at 1:00 AM on Saturday morning to go out of town on a hunting trip that two of his long time friends had invited him to. My Dad had told them that he couldn't go because he didn't have the money for it but they begged him to go along and offered to pay the expenses. My Dad had been off of work since mid January for a slight heart attack that took him to the hospital for 4 days. They had put a stint in one of the valves of his heart due to what they call minor blockage. The doctor had told us that the heart attack was small and had done little damage to the heart. He was quickly put on plavix to thin the blood that would be follow thru the new stint thwy had put in. He was also given new meds for his diabetes & after the 4th day in the hospital he returned home. He was suppose to be off of work for 6 to 8 weeks under dr.'s orders. When he came home he seemed to be ok, just had somewhat of lck of energy. He remained of of work and at the beginning of February was suppose to start cardiac rehab. The 1st appt he went to was for a stress test that was done on the treadmill. The readings of the stress test didn't look good and my Dad quickly had chest pain. He was then put in the hospital immediately and the following day 2 more stints were put in. The doctor then said there was additional blockage, that he never bothered to mention before. They sent my Dad home the following day and he seemed fine. Then Friday March 13 he had a doctor appt with the cardiologist that released him back to work that following monday march 17th. But 9 hrs and 45 min after my dad left our house for the hunting trip he was gone. I can't believe I lost my Dad. He was 56 years old and his B-day was 6 weeks away. I feel like he was taken away too earlier. I never thought I wouldn't have my Dad in my ife and I don't know how to deal with it. My Mom and Dad are my whole world. My dad had a massive heart attack and will never get to come home fromthat hunting trip. I miss him so much, and the funny things is that my dad had a bad temper and we would usually argue here and there. But I give anything to have an arguement with him today if he could just be here. I have never gone thru anything like this before and feel so helpless. He is gone and there is nothing I can do about it, nothing will change it and it makes me so mad. I feel like shaking someone and asking them why why'd you take my dad away from us. It wasn't his time. I know it wasn't. It makes me sick to know that he was hurting and none of us were there with him. I wish I could have been there to hold his hand and tell me I love him. To tell him that I would take care of my mom and the house. I hate to think that he was scared and I couuldn't be there for him. He was alwasy there for me. It didn't matter what it was, he was there. Now all I see is him in the casket at the funeral. I can't get it out of my head. Everywhere I go I expect to him as I normally would. Now when I call home he doesn't answer the phone, I don't hear him walking down the steps to come downstairs when he gets up in the morning, and he isn't sitting in the recliner in the living room when I walk in the door. Everything I look at reminds me of him. i'm surrounded by his belongings and everything has a memory to it. The memories make you want to smile but right now all I can do is cry. I can't believe that I just went to my own fathers funeral. I thought I had at least 20 more years left with my parents. I have never gone a day in my life of 29 years, not a day that I haven't either seen or spoke to my Dad. Now I haven't seen him in 22 days, and I keep thinking he's gonna come home from hunting and he never does! On top of this I have to see my Mom that I love dearly, be in so much pain. She is not doing very well, She was with my dad for 34 yrs. They did everything together, and now she has lost her best friend lover partner companion father of her children husband boyfriend, I can't begin to imagine her pain. I hate this, our lives are going to be so much different we have to move because we cant afford to stay in the house we are in and all of the changes that we have to make are going to be so hard. But the hardest part is going to be that my dad wont be part of the changes. It's like we have to start a new way of life and he's being left out. I don't know what to do anymore, I try to stay strong cuz I know I have to be for my Mom and I know my dad doesnt want me to be sad and hurting. But I can't help it cry several times thru out the day and I had to return to work which is really hard.