[Eghatch13]

I am a 21 year old male and I have been dealing with depression for a while now. I go through episodes and I've had two severe episodes currently dealing with one now. My childhood was rough my parents divorced when I was young and my mom moved me to a different state away from my dad. I moved to a city that I wasn't used to and we lived on the bad side of town with gang problems, drug problems, and shootings. This is something I wasn't used to and I also had to take care of my 3 younger siblings until my mom came home from work which was usually late. I moved back to my home state my freshman year of high school and have been here ever since. Even though I have only experienced two major episodes I feel as though I have been depressed since high school.

My current episode has a lot to do with me just getting out of a realationship I feel as though that is what sent me over the edge at least. This relationship was only about a 4 month relationship but I sincerely loved this girl and we had a lot of plans and everything and then it just ended. She said she thought she was relationship but she's not but then she blamed it on me saying that I didn't do enough with her basically. I cannot stop thinking about her and reloading every situation in my head trying to figure out what went wrong and it's killing me. My car also broke down so I'm stuck driving my truck which is a gas hog I dont have a job or anything cause I'm laid off. I am seeing a therapist and also am on effexor 300mg which I was on before and it seemed to work, but now it seems like it isn't working I've been on it again for about a month. I try everything that I can to avoid thinking about my ex but somehow I always find myself thinking about her. I'm afraid to go out because I don't want to see her. Also I feel as though I have nothing to live for I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I feel just trapped in a hole and I can't find my way out. I do t enjoy anything that I used to I hate everything and I just can't even find a reason to get out of bed In the morning. I've been broken up with her for about a month and a half now and I've been through creampie before so I don't know why this one is killing me even though I know that's not my only problem just a big part of why everything came crashing down. I used to cry at least once a day everyday and sometimes I didn't even know why. I get angry at things very easily. Ive also thought about killing myself a few times and actually went to grab my shotgun from under my bed but my dad took it and I didn't know he did. Now I don't think that I could actually ever kill myself because I think it is selfish and religious beliefs, but it's just scary to me to think that I actually went to grab the gun just to see what it felt like to put it to my chin. I started smoking marijuana to try to kind of help me I've smoked it before but never as much as I have been. It seems to help me think rationally about things and to forget about all my troubles. The only problem is I know this is self medicating and it's just masking my problems, but it did help me not to breakdown and cry everyday and whatnot. Yesterday was the first day I didn't smoke and everything was good until nighttime and then everything went downhill. I havnt slept I've been up all night and I've broken-down I can't deal with myself I hate this feeling. I feel as though im never going to be able to pull myself out of this and I don't want to and can't continue to live like this it's emotionally draining which in turn drains all of my energy for anything. I guess I just wanted to say my story and see what everyone has to say about it and/or any suggestions or tips that anyone has to get through this depression episode. I really would appreciate any input that anyone has to say.
Thank you!
-Eghatch13

[Eghatch13]

Sorry there are some grammatical airs I wrote this on my phone as for creampie that supposed to say breakups

[ginnie]

I first want to welcome you to Neuro Talk. You have found a great site that can help you to cope with some of your feelings. Others will respond too and offer some suggestions. Many of us on this site have had depression, and are getting some help in some form. Stay on your medication, even though you don't see any results. You should report your feelings to your physician, for advice on this, maybe an adjustment of your medications would help.
Even if you don't have money there are facilities in most towns that can offer some help to you emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask for the help you need. These feelings are horrible to live with, and there is help out there if you would just reach for it.
There are a few things you can do right now, that may help. I use distraction as a method of changing my mind and attitude. Music, books, walking outside, talking to my friends right here. All of this can really help. You are not alone. Keep coming back here and we will respond to you. Even if you never read, if you can get a subject you like, it will take you to another location in your mind. It is like putting your problems on a shelf, and ignoring them for awhile. For me this has opened the door and let some fresh air in.
I do know about loss, and the feelings that come when we loose someone we very much love. We can heal from this, it takes a bit of time. Try not to blame yourself for what happened. I am here for you anytime you need to talk. You are welcome to PM me also. Try to open a new door in your life, ask for help, and try to distract your mind from all of it, even if it is just a short time. I care about you. Neruo Talk has helped me very much during the crisis I have had in my own life. You will make some friends here too. I also want to tell you that using any kind of drug to self medicate isn't going to do much good, it can only hurt you. Even though you may get a temporary good feeling, it isn't a solution and can even make you more depressed. MJ, can increase the feelings of negative things, and will not help for a real recovery. I do not judge a person, I am the last one who could and would do that. I know from experience that this drug isn't the answer. Reach for the right kind of help. ginnie

[Eghatch13]

Thanks ginnie I really appreciate it. It's nice to have somewhere I can say how I feel and talk with others about it

[ginnie]

There will be others in time that can talk to you too. Are you doing any better today? I had a sad day, so I made cupcakes! What a way to beat back depression! Not good for the hips, but sometimes a treat works well.
In all truth I try to do something nice for my self each day, even if it is a very little thing, like taking time out to read something that interests me. I am not able to get around very good these days, so those small things I can do to cheer myself up mean alot. Try it....ginnie

[Jim091866]

Eghatch,
I am sorry to hear of your situation, I can feel the despair in your post. I am not one to judge, I can only refer to what has worked for me. I never drank, not even one beer. It seems to me that whenever you sober up you usually have more of a mess to clean up than when you started. The same for drugs-just didn't seem like the answer. I was looking for someone who I could take my box of junk to, dump it on the floor and say give it back to me when you've fixed it. Ya know what-that person who is going to fix your life is YOU. You have to believe in yourself. I would definitely recommend going to the nearest emergency room and stating that you are depressed and need some help. You will get into counseling, your medication will be assessed. You cannot fight this on and off of meds. You need this time to get some intensive treatment so that you can stand on your own. Right now you need support. Hope I've helped.

[don1956]

hey guy havent heard from you ,hope your situation is getting better.your not the only one whose been there.or the last let us know how you are doing