[Eghatch13]

I am a 21 year old male and I have been dealing with depression for a while now. I go through episodes and I've had two severe episodes currently dealing with one now. My childhood was rough my parents divorced when I was young and my mom moved me to a different state away from my dad. I moved to a city that I wasn't used to and we lived on the bad side of town with gang problems, drug problems, and shootings. This is something I wasn't used to and I also had to take care of my 3 younger siblings until my mom came home from work which was usually late. I moved back to my home state my freshman year of high school and have been here ever since. Even though I have only experienced two major episodes I feel as though I have been depressed since high school.

My current episode has a lot to do with me just getting out of a realationship I feel as though that is what sent me over the edge at least. This relationship was only about a 4 month relationship but I sincerely loved this girl and we had a lot of plans and everything and then it just ended. She said she thought she was relationship but she's not but then she blamed it on me saying that I didn't do enough with her basically. I cannot stop thinking about her and reloading every situation in my head trying to figure out what went wrong and it's killing me. My car also broke down so I'm stuck driving my truck which is a gas hog I dont have a job or anything cause I'm laid off. I am seeing a therapist and also am on effexor 300mg which I was on before and it seemed to work, but now it seems like it isn't working I've been on it again for about a month. I try everything that I can to avoid thinking about my ex but somehow I always find myself thinking about her. I'm afraid to go out because I don't want to see her. Also I feel as though I have nothing to live for I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I feel just trapped in a hole and I can't find my way out. I do t enjoy anything that I used to I hate everything and I just can't even find a reason to get out of bed In the morning. I've been broken up with her for about a month and a half now and I've been through creampie before so I don't know why this one is killing me even though I know that's not my only problem just a big part of why everything came crashing down. I used to cry at least once a day everyday and sometimes I didn't even know why. I get angry at things very easily. Ive also thought about killing myself a few times and actually went to grab my shotgun from under my bed but my dad took it and I didn't know he did. Now I don't think that I could actually ever kill myself because I think it is selfish and religious beliefs, but it's just scary to me to think that I actually went to grab the gun just to see what it felt like to put it to my chin. I started smoking marijuana to try to kind of help me I've smoked it before but never as much as I have been. It seems to help me think rationally about things and to forget about all my troubles. The only problem is I know this is self medicating and it's just masking my problems, but it did help me not to breakdown and cry everyday and whatnot. Yesterday was the first day I didn't smoke and everything was good until nighttime and then everything went downhill. I havnt slept I've been up all night and I've broken-down I can't deal with myself I hate this feeling. I feel as though im never going to be able to pull myself out of this and I don't want to and can't continue to live like this it's emotionally draining which in turn drains all of my energy for anything. I guess I just wanted to say my story and see what everyone has to say about it and/or any suggestions or tips that anyone has to get through this depression episode. I really would appreciate any input that anyone has to say.
Thank you!
-Eghatch13