[SDFencer]

Another day without fencing. What the heck is wrong with me? Other than being 60 pounds overweight, every joint hurting, constant headache, this claw hand, a new Achilles injury I’m fine.

What is wrong with me? I’m tired of being a lab rat. I’ve been scanned enough times that I’m surprised that I don’t glow in the dark. The latest scans show all kinds of stenosis, pinch points and other fun stuff in my spine. I think I have enough complaints to buy the condo in Boca now.

Part of the problem is that my family doesn’t “get” it. As cliché as it seems, unless you’ve had a stroke you really have no idea how hard it is to come back. I am losing my mind and am completely at the end of my rope.

I was told to find something I like so I choose one of the most expensive sports there is and where can I do it? Tournaments are always on the other side of the country. So don’t fence in tournaments you say? I have been so competitive all my life you might as well tell me not to breathe.

I have not accomplished ½ the junk I wanted in my life and now I’ve had the ability to do so taken away from me. I was my job and it was me. I still can’t my employer said all kinds of things about me and never had to prove any of it up. My trips out of the house are 90% Dr. appointments. Fun.

I’ reaching the point where all I want to do is sit in my recliner. I’m becoming “that guy” that I was afraid of becoming. I’m already cut out of conversations. It’s like I’m not here. But of course if I left the family would lose maid service. I’m developing a hair trigger temper with the twins. But at 6 years old they’re reaching that stage.

Don’t think about what you can’t do any more, if you don’t like what you’re doing find something else. Gee, why didn’t I think of that? I’m getting no support in what I’m doing so why should I do it? If I stopped fencing tomorrow my wife wouldn’t blink an eye. I am so lost I don’t know what to do. I was seeing someone (they recommend I see a neuropsych due to my brain injury) He is impossible to get appointments. Either his schedule doesn’t match or he cancels and you can get an appointment unless you book a month or two in advance. I’m seeing someone new in a week.

I’m just tired of always hurting and not wanting to do anything. Period.

[Alffe]

I'm sorry! That doesn't help I know but wanted to say hello and I hope you find some improvement with the new dr.

[SDFencer]

This is quality of life? I have not been allowed to work in 2 years. I go to apply for a job but then think I can't do the 60-70 hours my spot would demand.

Going out for me means a trip to the Dr. I have not been fencing because it is so damn hot I can't move. Augh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Emma]

I haven't had a stroke myself but I can somewhat relate to some of the things you say. In my case, my migraine situation is so intense I've spent days at a time in the hospital because of it and now I'm on some sort of a bedrest hiatus. Sigh, for a whole year it was tumor drama, cancer scare and now this whole year has been in and out of the hospital with neuro drama, it's like some sort of sick joke my brain refuses to just let me be. I can relate to just being tired of being tired and in pain.

The one and only person I can talk to seriously nowadays is my Doctor, I know it sounds very sad but he's the only one who can ask me objectively about my condition and yet ask me how my day was regardless of how excruciating my pain would be. Like, thank you for understanding that I am much more than my pain and that there is a life going on behind that (however miserable and pathetic it is).

Pain is something that I guess is a subject nobody likes to even be around.

Right now I can't move. Have got no reason to move. Nobody cares if I can't move or have got no reason to move. Hello depression, I hate you.


Feel free to keep posting and keep on sharing, even if you don't feel like doing much of anything at all I think it's good to get things out of your head.

[ginnie]

I am here, anytime you want to talk. I don't forget about you. Please contact me. I do know what this depression can do to a person, along with pain and feeling life has passed you by. I care. ginnie