Story in a nut shell. Started using drugs and alcohol heavily at 15 to mask the pain of an extremely abusive childhood, carried on into my adulthood. I would have periods of success, college graduation, a healthy relationship and even engagement here and there but every time I would rise to the top, the anchor of my past would surface and my addictions would cause me to sink faster than the titanic. Put it this way, in 06 I received a Masters from an Ivy League school , fell back into my addictions worse than ever and was arrested in 2009 for forging prescriptions, even spent 3 months in jail. When hear the saying "From Yale to jail." I've really lived it. Anyways, after years of the ups and downs, I finally had a doctor that prescribed me Suboxone, because God forbid that I actually listened to the 12 step programs and dealt with the wreckage of my past, way to painful. So, hey another drug to solve my woes, why not? At first, it was a wonder drug! I felt better than I had in 20 years. I had energy, slept well, peace of mind and no drug cravings for anything else, something else miraculous about Suboxone is you literally cannot drink on it. No taste for it at all. After a year on it, things began changing. The good effects slowly starts subsiding, until they were all gone. Then the depression hit. OMG, it is awful. I want off this drug but now I'm stuck. I have heard the withdrawals from this are worse than OxyContin and last 10times as long. Suboxone stays in your system forever, months at a time. So anyways, I'm just at a fork in the road, Ineed some help. Please don't write back to criticize me. I have had enough criticism in my life. I have a disease that I just simply don't know how to treat appropriately. I have recently become suicidal for the first time as well. Although I would never go through with it, it's always on the back of my mind, that it would be easier. It's a truly awful and scary way I'm living.....does anyone have any constructive advice? Please.

....and Welcome!

Nobody on this sight would ever criticize you! My first impression was, 'now here's a person who is truly wanting to reach out'.
We've all made mistakes that we're not proud of and I'm not condoning that it was ok to make those choices. But we gotta get to the place where we can see the 'good' in ourselves, rather than beating ourselves up for the not-so-good.
For one thing, try concentrating more on the things you've accomplished, or have strived to accomplish.....The high standard of your college acheivments shows you to be intelligent, ambitious and a very capable individual who can set goals and reach them. You've had healthy relationships, etc. Pick yourself back up and BE that person. You obviously are sorry and repentive for the bad choices you've made.

Depression is that dark cloud that comes along to remind you of all the bad times and make you believe that's who you are.
Don't let it define you tho. You've certainly come to the right place for support and understanding, and talking about these things is very helpful.

It 'takes one to know one' and that's why I'm reaching out to you. I know all too well what depression can do.

I wish I knew more about this medication you are inquiring about. We have a forum specific to medication talk if you'd care to check it out, here's the link to take you there...
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/fo...sprune=-1&f=72
Perhaps you'll get good feedback regarding withdrawls.

Also, if/when you get to that VERY dark place and feel there's no way out, check out our SOS forum:
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/fo...sprune=-1&f=29
There are SO many people who understand. By getting support from others who truly understand, it can help to build you back up to the person you were before getting sidetracked with that other stuff.

It's great that you are here.
You certainly are not alone.

Caring,
Rae