Not much I can say dear Eva, sending you virtual hugs to envelope you in their wRmth :hug:

Stuff happening to my body
 

All new
And frightened
Will see the doctor in a few days
On vacation
Back experiencing unusual pain
Upper back
On right side
Lung area
Let it be the things we already know
Not just another thing
I'm rotting away
Sounds gross
But true
Me

To ease the heart
 

After a pulse of 171
And blood pressure of 180/100
On BP medicine
Will have a halter on need to make appointment
And then nuclear stress test
My body failing me
It did not behave like this a year ago
Me

hi eva. i hope you feel better soon. i am praying for you. love and hugs.

Keeping it out of my life
 

I have a limited time here on earth
I have a family who has no clue what is happening
Time just slipping away
How I wish we could all find a way to respect each other have the mind to understand much precious time wasted in anger
My hope
In Jesus I trust
All his will be done
I hold myself responsible
To be the best role model possible
Amen
Me

A birthday wish
 

May she find sobriety sooner than later
May she be the mommy she was meant to be for Eva
May she understand I love her to the moon stars and all the planets
May she see the light
I remember the day she was born
Oh how happy was I
Amen
Love
Your mommy

And she just won't stop
 

It has reached a point where my kindness is mistaken for weakness or flat out not paying attention to the seriousness
of Eva and I her custodial guardian
She tried to override the judges orders
Thinking the school did not need a copy of the court order
A form came home that asks for a attachment if there is one
Because Christine registrared her for kindergarten she was told to submit a copy for the school
And because of a situation that ensued over school supplies
Trivial as it may sound to some
I was ignored upon requesting that the supplies be brought to the home so I could distribute as needed throught the year
The flier was very vague
And I put four children through school
I would purchase additional supplies for the general class
Things such as tissues, anti bacterial, pencils andan all of my children's supply
So I was overridden
Pushed over supplies would be ridiculous
She does not listen
I told her submit a copy
Gave her a chance to write an introduction on Eva this too she did not do
I am beginning to think she enjoys being a part time mother at best
She gets a failing grade
She forever has excuses not getting sober
And chooses to live with the father
All they do is cause trouble
They fight a the time
But at the end of it all
Where I must now not allow anymore harm
That's what's happening
She does what she feels like doing
Will be at school tomorrow with court order
I am fed up
Me

Enough to throw me into a bad place
 

She quit her job
Because she did not take a piercing out facial
She has a five year old child
It is just not fair
She has become so complacent
She has no clue how much work it is to get a child off to school everyday
To see she has no desire to make it work
To turn your nose up about the idea of working as a cashier
To have no one but herself to look at
In the end of the day
Does she
Does she even care
When she was born it was different
Now it's all left up to have to stay strong
For all of them
Jeez
This is a task
It hasn't gotten easier
It's gotten harder

To loose ones health
Is a slow terrible death
It's gotten so hard

Oh what would I do without
Heavenly Father
Jesus Christ
And the Holy Spirit

It is with prayer and HOPE
I hang on
It's enough to throw me into a spin

I am trying so hard
 

This has been a situation I am not familiar with
Having so much already going on in my life i have no control over this woman's behavior
and to now be awakened at all hours of the morning not to mention it is only a few hours i can get in
I had to call the police because of the horrible nasty way she is being
allowed to behave as she does (for she says she lives in the building for forty years) means what
That she can wake or destroy a persons quality of life
This is the fourth time
I would wait and not call until I turn the television off at 11:00 or 11:30 after the news
But today was the worse of it I called at 7:30
And then it gets so bad my daughter can hear it in her room
Other end of the apartment
I do not think so
She is a horrible person
Up all hours of the night
Drinks and drugs
As she came to my door one evening
asking if I had any pain meds to give her
She was drunk
I already have enough audio of the problem and the police here for the fourth time listened to it
Gracious they were
Brian one of the officers explained if I should have anymore problems they will issue a summons
Now I have tried to be understanding
She is not well
But enough is enough
And the moment they left for about a half hour she was just
out of control
it has stopped
but every once in a while will throw a zinger in
Her bedroom is above mine
isn't there enough going on now having to deal with this
Now to have to deal with an ill kind of person
Never had words with her
Just a horrible person
I have taken it to the management
And they personally went up to confront her
As we already had a meeting also
I was able to submit my proof
She leaves a note on my front door with a written apology
Only for it to begin again hours later
It is managements responsibility to handle this
And because I know my rights
I am holding management responsible on handling the problem
So till Monday hoping I won't have to deal with anymore disturbing noise to awaken me my family is more than I should have to put up with
I have put up with much in my life already
And to have someone take my quality of life and make it worse just for turd and giggles
No more
No more
I hang on and hope for it to just stop
Just stop already
It isn't easy
It makes no sense
But I'm holding on
Me

Please be careful Eva, you say she is ill, I presume of the mind and therefore potentially unpredictable. Practice safety for this weekend and future, if she is doing this for s##t and giggles now, there is strong possibility she will escalate her activities. Please be safe xx

Have no clue where my post went
 

You are correct in your assement
I do not go near her
This is why I called the police dept twice last night
They were very gracious and heard the audio of this woman above me
They explained if they should have to return
She will be subjected to a summons
I have taken the route to do this by law and protocol
And we stay away from her and will never ride the elavator if she is on it
I get it
But I don't have to put up with it
Living here for forty years as she told one of the officers means what
That she can behave as she pleases
No
Won't put up with it
I came from a home before moving here
Who had the building taken from him he was such a horrible landlord and was found guilty but filled his pockets with loans and never applied it to the building he built and found to have taken many short cuts
No insulation no retaining wall windows to small and on and on and on
This tells me much if this is her mentality
Many who live here for a long time made up their own rules
And here comes Eva from a corrupt building into another
Only this is a section 8 building and there are many who do not belong here and the going rate to get in is $10,000 that is starting and much more
How do I know this
Knowing my rights
I needed to be put into a two bedroom apt
Not a studio with three people
And getting the two bedroom
Many in the building who I do not know would approach me and ask how much did I pay to get in here and get a two bedroom
In addition to that I know two who paid to come in here and were qualified to come into the building
Personal experiences
Horrible isn't it
I have nothing to hide
And donot believe such behavior should be allowed
I will not be the one to open them can of worms
This will happen soon
It's catching up to them
But I will heed to you warning
I am as careful as I can
Your a gem
Thanks much
Feel good
Love
Me

Waiting for my last breath
 

This is how I feel this very moment
I have such a hole on my heart
What heart
It's shriveled up into nothing but trouble
My health is going downhill so fast
I just wonder when will my last breath be
How much longer
Sadness is always standing by to jump in
To have to work at being happy sometime in my day is work
Happiness is work
I am stagnant in everyway possible
But my mind
This mind of mine just won't quit
Constantly talking myself into a better space
Looking for love
I know my Heavenly Father is with me at all times
And he be my true Love
He loves me
This much I know
I am so so unhappy on a level that has zero to do with my family
Just life in general
Look at our world we call earth
So much HATE
Where is the LOVE
just a snippet of it please
Only you k ow Heavenly Father what is wrong with me
Only YOU
every single day I try my best to be upbeat
But I get beaten down
No job no love no life to share with another
Nobody to hold me and tell me
It will be okay Eva
I'm here for you
Don't worry
I haven't had this EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
Under the age of five I was alone
Having to take care of everyone else and me
Only now I need help
I'm so scared
Frightened about how if I should breath another ten years
What it will be like
And then I think of a friend of mine who said one day
Eva don't worry about what the future holds till you get to your destination
Stay in the moment
The moment is bleek and sad
I have a nut who is taking away any little sound sleep I can get in away and have to call the police
Really this is my life
Really
I HATE this doomed feeling
Try so hard to start my day over and over and over
I look forward to the night so I can close my eyes and just drift off only to be awakened by a nut
I will not ever take my life
Had that happen in already in my family
Father checked out at forty seven
My feel good hormone gone
Can't have a drink to numb me
I remember how the first three drinks made me feel
It was a good feeling
A really good feeling
Because I began to let things go and not bother me
That's what it did takes it away
I HATE being a slave to my F medicines
The F doctors half don't know what they are even doing
Just give me the money
I am young
And my health gone
All the children and persons living with physical adversities I can't even imagine
All I know
This isn't a way to live
This isn't life
What happened to me
What the F happened to me
Just waiting for that last breath
Sad
So very sad
Me

So sorry to see you feeling this way. But, "Dont worry Eva. We are all here for you. It will be ok in the end..."

I know you get it Andy
Nothing has changed since last here
This will pass
But I just had a breakdown
Having my granddaughter
Awake me to help her with her stuffy nose
brought resentments I don't know if I have any business having
She's my grandchild and her mother nowhere to be found in making it better so they could be together
And I know that will be a very slim chance at the rate she is going
Even if she did get her act together got a place for her and her daughter
Eva made it clear not to long ago
She doesn't ever want to leave
So part time it would be

Or is it because I'm not super mom anymore
That's what they called me
The super is gone
You get it Andy
Wanting to work be a part of something rewarding
My kids say to me
You did the most important job ever
Raising my four children
And have children not mine who remember me
I did my very best
This I know to be true
But to have a place where you engage in adult company
Doing something you love
And I always worked jobs that worked around raising them
and a awesome employee I was complemented many times
Not to have that special someone to rub my back when it hurts
My feet hands
To be held close and for the words to hear
Don't worry
Everything will be okay
I'm here
My dog is getting so old
Seeing him just put me in a terrible funk
If I remember correctly you too have a furry companion
I love him so much it hurts
And to see him getting old
Reminds me of my life
His little paws are all mangled like arthritis kicked in
his back legs
They don't operate the way they did when he was younger
he a Australian silky terrier sat in my arms for over an hour
licking my face dry as my salty tears stream down my cheeks
I don't know
It just that feeling one gets in their gut
a physical manifestation
And it s.u.c.k.s big time
It's a terrible mind ****

Then our country
The world
And no one to hold me and tell me
It's gonna be alright
To not worry how i will do it
if it is getting so bad
It's just so scary when I let my mind go into overdrive
I worry about everything and everyone at my own expense
I have to talk to myself and tell myself to knock it off
This to myself

Yeah I'm on that potty
Kicking myself

But I tell myself
To awake
Or be awakened by pain
And have a nut who cannot control herself
my neighbor above me
I don't know
In a funk for certain
May it be the weather changing
Or the lack of hormones
Who knows
And I wonder
When that last breath will come
The most precious thing one has until something goes wrong
with ones health
understands
Without it everything is so much harder
I so respect persons who trump their disibility they are born with
But to have been healthy and it taken away
I'm embarrassed to think this way
To be born in a debilitating way and just push through it
Makes me feel so small
ashamed
I cry very much in secret
I know Heavenly Father knows all
Including how I feel
Who am I to question
He hung from the cross for me and the world
I want to give of myself
And do not have the ability to contribute as I have
You understand
I know you feel my words
Should I wake
I just want to FEEL the happiness
Though
At the end of the day
I must submit it all over to him
Truly surrender for it to count
Why I feel like this
I don't know
To know there are a few who get it
Is the reason I let loose
It's so overwhelming I just want to scream till I loose my voice
Thanks Andy
Thank you
Be well
Me

Yes, I have a little cat called Gabriella... She is a loveable little pain in my backside, but she has helped me a lot...

Wanting to die vs. wanting to take your own life are very different things (I've walked down both paths). It's very common for people to wish for death during times of extreme stress, and you have been through so much my friend :hug::hug::hug:

I became disabled from MS at 28, and I feel the same guilt that you do that I'm unable to overcome my handicaps like others can. I want to return to work so badly, but can't. I miss interacting with other people… I am very isolated. I'm married, but there are difficulties, and I often still feel alone.

Prior to my disability, I spent my life taking care of others. I understand your occasional feelings of resentment over taking care of your granddaughter. I used to get that way from time to time when caring for my mother. It's a natural response because life is just expecting too much of you :hug::hug::hug:

I understand a life with constant pain, although I have chosen not to take pain meds. I think you likely suffer more than I do, and I know it's difficult for you to have to take pain meds with your history of alcoholism.

None of these things are easy, they are just a couple of the issues that you are facing, and I know that your past still follows you :hug::hug::hug:

I wish that the burdens you carry were lighter, and that your physical and emotional pain would go away :hug::hug::hug:

I am so proud of you for making your sobriety a priority despite all the challenges you face, and I am happy that you find comfort in your faith in God :hug::hug::hug:

Spoken to my heart
It is with much sadness I
I write such horrible stuff
Your response hit every note
You are right
And I just have to keep on trucking
So sorry you have times you too feel alone
Or is it lonly
I have a good heart
One that gone through the ringer
To have someone turn away for whatever reason they may come up with saddens me
Really
I think that is worse
I have been alone by choice
Maybe a little to cautious on my part
Couldn't imagine another person coming into my children's lives
Having a dad like I did
I could and would have killed for my babies
And I have
Any disabling problem
We share the feeling that drape over us
You are kind
And understand my soberiety
It is the one constant in my life
And you notice that
My family on the other hand seem to have forgotten
it would be so much easier with a drink
But that would just make me numb out of control
because that's what happens easier
But instead I have
Thank you for seeing it
Made the choice every single day not to pick up
Because I was a functioning alcoholic
Actually it was at the end of my waitress career my drinking got out of control
At my job
My night cap
Before I went home
Thank God I haven't physically harmed my babies
I did a number on their psyche
Still in healing mode
Made good on my promise
I will never kill myself
Nor pick up a drink
I am not a pill person
In fact I get so sick
It too a long time to find something that helped
Guess what drug that is
The worse ever
OxyContin I take two a day 60mg tablets
One at 6:30 in morning with the other bunch
And again at night by 7:00P.M.
In the morning in addition I take a 5mg oxycodone fast acting
I take it with a hot cup of coffee
Hoping for it to get into my blood stream to my brain and block it
The nausea is constant
Have some help with holistic remedy just became legal
But cannot afford it
Not much needed
But a god send
Zofran a anti nausea prescribed
Zero affect
Until an I found something that works
And has been around never to have killed anyone
Can impair but never die from
Actually being taken very seriously
Can be a gateway make no mistake
For those who aren't addicts of any form
As there are many forms
I can be a gateway
Experience
So yup
It s.u.c.k.s.
How quick doctors push pills
All my doctors know of my recovery
Especially my pain specialist I have been with him
from the very beginning
Watched my Corissa go from early grammer school into a young woman
He drives my train
In addition to him
My oncologist
Pulmonary and PCP
OBGYN
Eye due
Teeth due
Doing everything to stay alive
And take care of me
I have to take care of ME
tired I guess
My halter goes on Wednesday
Rather then today
Oncologist is a few blocks away changed appointment
To Wednesday
So will do that
So sick of doctors
And I will need a cardiologist
Had one for about seven years
I'm just going on
Fired him because of staff
And another doctor my shrink of seven years
Twice
He had a hard time letting him go
He was a pill pusher
Why I say this
When I found out about my mutation
And that I needed a script for the product called Deplin
I take the top dose 15mg
It's what I will refer to as a mega vitamin
And having been out on soooooo many antidepressants
and refused to give insurance company a profile of my history with the meds he prescribed
None ever working in fact put me into a very bad place
That dark place
And then the withdrawals
So when he challenged my desire to start Deplin
And how not having it in my system any and all antidepressants will NOT work
Fired
There are the two oaths you speak of having walked both myself
You are right
And you listened
And you hit it right on
Andy understanding
Wanting to be a part of the world
I think to myself
How many times I want to read to children
Or help and elderly by cooking for them and storing some in their freezer
I did this and still do when I can
May it be soup
Pasta sauce
You get the picture
Called the school informing them of Eva's cold and fever
Not time yet contagious
As it has begun to hit me late last night
My throat not that bad now
Neighbor was quiet after 11:00
Anyhow
So comforting
To have some who care enough to hold me up
Who have followed my life story
And have some who relate
You help me understand something
And I'm so sorry you are treated differently too by the ones who say they love UNCONDITIONALLY
How much more painful it must be to have that one you could hear them words
Don't worry
I'm right here
I'm not going anywhere
You can count in me
To have taken the vows
Two become one
You have made me see things just a bit differently
that is a big deal when having that other I speak of having
It must feel absolutely terrible
Terrible
Do I say thank you for that
No
I'm sorry YOU are going through that
And thank you for sharing it

Hanging on with my faith
And believing
Heavenly Father
Will see to it
All
Thank you for the love
Thank you
My eldest baby now thirty five
Also disabled with horrible seizures
We went through so much she was twenty two when she had her first seizure
Blind in right eye
After removal of occipital lobe
It's the right eye
That was suppose to be the trade off
Wasn't a successful
High hopes
One day we will all be happy
She has her high school sweetheart
Married at times he too forgets
So thank you for helping look at something differently
And will pray your partner will find their way back into your life
with a better understanding
All that has happened was out of our control
Feel my hug
Love
Mr

Why
 

Do I allow myself to get hurt
It's the same thing over and over again
And there is one thing I look for that means most to me and that is honesty
I do not know my child
It is a terrible thing how I'm reduced to texting her
She doesn't hear mi call it being plugged in
You know the ear phone
It's terrible
It truly a problem
This generation of children are so disconnected to what really matters
And until she learns that she will never understand
She speaks to me with such disrespect
With such a fresh tone
And all I have ever done was always be where ever she needed me
I created this
I am the only one who can stop it
I am so not appreciated
So unhappy when it is just one sided so impersonal
No conversation only when she wants to
And it's always a crises
It's me
My own fault
I have to stop it
When one gets treated in such a manner
One begins to thing
Who cares
It doesn't matter anymore
Me

She'll be home another day
 

We are all sick with a cold
Eva will be home yet another day
It took a turn for the better a bit yesterday
By end if evening a fever
If returns again in the next 24hours
I will have to take her to the doctors
The weather not doing me any favors
My entire upper right quarter is just so bad
The burn with the pain
My skin is on fire
Yet there is a direct spot I can point to where it hurts the most and that where it all began
Took my meds at 7:00 as usual with my coffee
Waiting for it to wash over my body
It's just horrible
Oncologist and halter monitor
Hope she gets better today
Going through the motions
Do my usual meditation hoping to empower myself enough with the Book that comforts me with its words
Everyday something new
And almost 100% of the time it's exactly what I need to hear
I know Heavenly Father listens
Me

May it be my dog
 

Awakened with that doomed feeling I haven't felt for a good number of months
That feel good moment when starting Deplin
This I'm sure is situational triggers of my mortality going where
I should be at this stage at least
Having made a decision not to get involved with any other man and raise my babies
This was a conscious choice at 24
And I followed through
Not to have that I could wait for as I thought I was still young
I will have my time allowing that someone in my life
That wasn't in the cards
I live the woman side of life
And kept my children away from "them"
Not yet
Having to turn men away that wanted to take care of me and my babies
This I did do
And when I thought I did what I needed to
Raise them to be responsible young adults
It would be my time
I have my good long time brief companion
That fills a small void
Cannot have him in my life regularly
Divorced he is one child
We get together ever couple of months
And time is rolling on by
I am feeling very lonly
Very lonly
Have been awakened at how persons are really
And that happened over night
One moment to the next
Forever changed
Not anybody to hold like I imagined after I did my job raising them
Not happening
And I'm not interested in the kind where a woman is expected to put themself out and put out
Just look into my eyes and tell me what you see
Me
Me

Eva, I think that sometimes people view those with medical and mental health challenges as needy or weak. In fact, it's often the opposite. Life has conditioned us to absorb many more blows than those who have been lucky. The same applies to the other difficulties we have faced in life. But that doesn't mean that it's always smooth ride.

I've had my share of problems with doctors. My PCP tells me not to be so judgmental… that I expect too much, but I expect compassionate and competent care, and I don't think that's asking too much.
I take so many meds for bipolar disorder, I don't take anything to treat my MS or its symptoms anymore. I've decided I'm just going to suck it all up because I don't want to be zombified, and I need the psych meds to work more than I need to be comfortable.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lonely… I think that your children are old enough that your obligation to stay alone is over. Your relationship with your granddaughter is different. She has in no way been effected by your drinking, so you do not need to unnecessarily punish yourself on her behalf. You deserve to have a life of your own :hug::hug::hug:

I am still with my husband, although we separated for 3 months in 2014. Even though there were already major problems in our marriage, the separation was mainly due to my inability to control my bipolar disorder and drinking. My husband is an alcoholic, but I have been sober since July 2015.

:hug::hug::hug:
Kay

Whatever it be
 

Hoping it will pass soon
Done
Me

In the Arms of the Angel Sarah McLachlan Lyrics - YouTube


Life is out there my dear friend....you talk a lot about faith

Now ask...and you will receive

Take time out to love you...cherish you..understand the inner you......

You have faith....use it


Your a good soul...open it up to the world


David

It's the weekend
 

Something I would do in a hop skip a jump
No problem
Your hungry
I make you breakfast
My child got up to turn on the TV for her
But I get up and put up a cup of coffee to start my day
Sure ill make you breakfast
Yeah you read right
Got up to turn the TV for her
This is what I'm talking about
The helwhat help
I have to beg
I have to just shut up and do what I must
Till I just wont let her get the better of me and am forced to do it
Anymore I have to swallow
How give a S*** about her little tummy
And the rotten
Who I think I am attitude
I get her and it is not okay to dump on me because she knows I will never walk away
It's me
Me
What I allow into my life
It hurts anyway you look at it but one for certain
Pick something follow through
You want to be treated like a grow up
That the attitude
On a specific day
Her eighteenth birthday
Alone
And am not sure why she wanted to come back home because she knows the relationship is a job it is give and take
Not just take take take
And when I need them most
Nowhere to be helpful for me
The things they could do like food shopping
My baby sister called and said she would pick up Corissa and take her help her and bring her home
She is still sleeping
My granddaughter already made up a full two pages of tic tac toe
Getting off to make up a list
As she sleeps next to me
To lazy to wash her bedding
Oh
I need to top up on the card
She will ask to get her nails done
But not to top up
Done
Me

Hear my call
 

There is no reason I should have all the responsibility put on me
OCD blessing in some cases in my case
Itpushes me when I just don't have it and I push and push and push out something else that needed tending to
I have a good heart
A kind heart
A compassionate heart and it is just gets crushed trampled on manipulated right under my nose
And I don't even smell it
Everybody gets together today
Me and baby are staying home
She needs to get well before school starts again Tuesday

I have given up completely on any one who calls me their friend
In my case
There is no case
And that's that
I will continue to be a good kind person despite the way of the world
That includes my babies
It is me
Myself and
I
I will continue to be the best I can ever be
And that all I can do
There is one other very important quality I should considered and be truthful in all I do
Never at the expense of others
Never
Let me strengthen with evil of all kinds trying to cast out the goodness in my heart and mind
Keeping my FAITH strong now and forever never to wavier
Never
Keep my Holy Spirit alive in me
And let it wash over my family
Keep us strong
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe
Amen

Grace me with your presence
 

Help me let it go
All that it stuff
All of it

I am just a tiny spec if that compared to the entire world we call earth
As the days pass bye
Day in
Day out
Until what
The end
There hasn't been anything like what we as a community who suffer chronic pain at the end of the day
This is where my life turned and had but only one way to get through all of it
Is
Hope
There is such a promise
HOPE for ALL of us
Not giving up is the hard part unless we submit
and TRULY let IT go and submit
And not feel bad
Grace me with you love
I don't want to feel anything other then
YOUR love
YOUR grace
YOUR promise
In Jesus I trust
In God i believe
Love
Me

Nearing a years end
 

How time just passes on by
Never to return
Holding on to your memories
So much time in sorrow
Just when I think I have it
Something else comes along and gives me a different perspective
To have had to be receptive in order to get them thoughts
I was always and still am in protective mode
Ready to do whatever I have conviction towards a happier way to be
Why should anybody be unhappy
Why would anybody thrill over the idea that someone is unhappy and you know it and do absolutely nothing about it
What a terrible thought but true
I can't imagine why someone would intentionally awaken me at 1:00 A.M. in the morning
Really
I kid you not
I am not making this stuff up
To be up at 6:00 to tend to my granddaughter

Oh Heavenly Father
Let me stop this horrible thought to consume me
Allow me the simple joys you have for me in my day
My last baby is working
Enjoying it
She did it
She really did it
So proud of her
She is so grateful mom is in her life
And I love her so much
Doing all I can to help her on her travels
She likes it
That's awesome stuff

Wouldn't it be a beautiful thing if my daughter behaved like a mother
Eva hasn't heard from her mom in days
I put a sweater her mom got her
Really cute
Furry and fleece like insides
A hood with white faux fur around the hood
Says
"I wish mommy can see me in my sweater"
Crushed
Last picture mom posted shows she is a bleached blond
Nails done up looking clearly doing her best taking care of herself
Not a peep about her daughter
Why won't she call
Nobody stops her
No excuse

Yeah leaves changing color
Knees hurt from changes in the weather
Have no control over that
doctors suggested to move to dry warm climate weather
Maybe if I hit the lottery
Don't need all of it just some would make things so much easier
Have our own home
Have just the necessities without trouble getting it
To be lifted from the financial burden of it all
When I was working
We were making it we had the opportunity to go to the movies
To have to let my hair grow because I cannot do it anymore
I would have Saraeve or Corissa cut a simple cut
But cannot count on that forever
The changes I had to make when I got sick
Someone who had her hair cut every six weeks
The one thing that made me feel good
Had my kids then keep a simple cut
Now just letting it grow
And I can throw it up
Done
Don't bother anybody that way

To be screwed out of
Fighting it
Something is very fishy
Waiting to hear from the pension dept
The "early disibility retirement" because of terminology
I have not stopped
Still have a month it could take up to six months
To have once had a friend coworker
Not give me the informations of the person who helped her with the process
Her excuse
"You know how unorganized I am I'll look to it"
That was a year ago
Someone I helped on many levels
Could count on me whenever she asked me for help with anything
To have a name and number of a human being not the automated system and wait time a half hour
Is she nuts
She's nuts
This from my pension
It would be such help
I have declined on so many levels
So many levels
I have given everything away
My choices have hurt me in the end
But you see I had no choice
Not when you have babies who depend on at least on parent
Me
Now give up my haircut
It s.u.c.k.s
Me

Have to keep her home
 

Sick again
Running into my room at 5:30
Sick
Ill be damned
Now vomit
She only started to get better two days ago
Corissa comes running in after her
Asks why did she run in my room for me
Having to explain I'm her everything
Reminded her when she was a baby and younger
Even now
It never stops
Never
Looks like a rough day ahead
She is calm now but not well
Upsetting
She is missing school
Some children are not kept home when sick
I vicious cycle
Went through it already
There is a terrible viral bug going around
She just got over a nasty cold
Me

Every single day
 

I shouldn't be fighting life
What a silly thing
Having to fight
No fighting anymore
Just no fighting anymore
Having Faith wavier in and out
In and out
As the breaths I take
To live
To have free will
To choose to believe in a greater than power
To believe in Jesus Christ
To believe I have a purpose
To believe I too matter
To believe I too can be happy
To believe in blind faith I am loved by Heavenly Father
My purpose
Hear my prayer
In angels I believe
To those who protect me
From evil
To not cry in my day
Would be nice
To have faith I can make it
It is hard most times
But I make it through the day
And pray myself to sleep
It is what it is
I'm still needed
Me

In meditation I
 

Have the Holy Spirit guiding me
Not to fight it but to welcome the strategies I must use and of to get through this day
Having to get Eva off to school
Getting in the shower
Cleaning to shed off the stuff from day before
A new day
Push through it do
Or just wait to die
Oh the choices some have to make
Gifted with a leaf
Just for me
Home from school
A rustic deep auburn in color
Beautiful in shape
Almost perfect
Symmetrically
She's got it going on
A good eye
Ah
Math
She does enjoy it now
Lets see
Would love to fee a little love from my child
Off from work
Having a rough morning
I don't get it
In comparison to what I have done
Beyond in my case
And a look that would kill when I ask for help
So
We
I will start my day over again
Maybe record her when she speaks to me
Like I have to record a disruptive ill person isn't enough
Enough already
Enough
What to be in a good place
So I give it to Jesus Christ
And live
Maybe get a belly laugh
Have doctors appointment
When isn't there one
Sick of it
But it the only way for now
I pray for a miricles
Health to heal
With love in my heart
Cannot loose the love in my heart
Me

"To believe I have a purpose
To believe I too matter
To believe I too can be happy"

I'm glad to read these positive thoughts Eva. You do matter, and you are loved :hug::hug::hug:

I think you should print out your last post as a reindeer to yourself that you do have a purpose, you do matter, and you can (and have a right to) be happy :hug::hug::hug:

Decided to return
 

I have decided
rather than not
find help I feel I desperately need
to return to a new psychotherapist that works in my pain
specialist office he has brought her in his office
And start all over AGAIN
I said after pouring out my life story with previous help
and denied me help when needed him most failed me
Not just once but
Twice
I never wanted to do it all over again
However
What do I have to loose
I need help with this horrible depression
it is a battle every single day
It is deep within
Deep
What do I have to loose
Me

Don't know anymore
 

I am so sad
So so sad
A promise to pick Eva up from father so time could be spent with mom dad and grandmother supervising
Once again
I had to wipe her tears away
Make it better
Never again
My grandchild has a little heart that is just so big for them
I cannot understand
How can I prevent it from happening
I can't
The only thing I can tell them the next time I talk to them
Always Christine knew when a promise is made they must follow through
Another day I have to rearrange everything
So she is not unhappy
I just want to scream
Just scream
What wrong with them
What's has happened to my daughter
This isn't how I raised them
So sad for her
Me

called insurance company before...
 

calling the doctor
was told i am 100% covered
then i call psychotherapist Kristen
after about 10 min. of a brief reason i was seeking her help
totally ****** me off
i get going to school and getting an education that becomes one's profession she wants up front every visit $150.00 each session
and i would have to submit paperwork for reimbursement
are you f'in kidding me
oh you're not happy what the insurance company pays out
i am sick of the doctors insurance companies pharmaceutical companies lawyers and the corrupt twisted self promoting
and the in the end a lobbyist
just look at whats going on with the election process

i already cast my vote about three weeks ago
absentee ballot
"IT" WAS RETURNED
because the postal service machine did not recognize the address it was to go to
so it's a process with the postal service worker having to submit "IT" in a special way as it now gets handled differently
it made national news
i live in one of the most CORRUPT states in the country
New Jersey
i know this to be true
personal experience
having worked on a municipal level
this is where ALL of the corruption begins
i worked the polls
i drove seniors to the polls
no more
NEVER EVER AGAIN
for the elitist
this is a well oiled machine
i need help
but money
outrageous charges are asked by the poor
as we are poor
and i have a voice
however
similar to what was said about our OBAMACARE
WE THE ILL
disabled
look at our vets and how they are treated
the most recent news
a vet took his life while waiting for hours to be see for what tops 10 minutes give me am f'in break
they WENT TOWAR FOR THIS COUNTRY
the land of the free and BRAVE
i was an immigrant went through the PROCESS that is in place
became a citizen along with my parents and middle sister
and to know how the process is just overlooked
and making many citizens in the manner of what we are now learning MAKES ME SICK
HERE WE GO
MENTAL illness a profession that has been abused
and i having personal experience of doctors so quickly getting persons hooked on certain drugs
again MY OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
makes me sick
now i get that one acquires a profession that can be lucrative
but where are i and soooo many others who lose their private insurance like i did left with
are you kidding me
$150.00 a pop
every session that lasts what 40 minutes
it makes me sick how corrupt this country has become in the end
you cannot trust any politician
look at "BRIDGEGATE"
i have turned republican in the last three years
i have given the democratic party enough time to get it right
now to say Christy had no clue about the "cluster duck" that happened
a republican trying to intimidate those who were clearly instructed what to do
are you kidding me
MONEY POWER THE ELITE are the only ones who get whatever it is they may need
i am sick
lost my job because i got sick
i cannot return back to work after a neurosurgeon botched and tried to lie through his teeth
changed my life forever and not have to answer to the corrupt manner in which my case was handled

look DMV is giving my child a difficult time getting a state ID
bringing in all necessary documents proper points needed
refusing to provide the services so she can cash her check

the reason DMV is so hard core with the wrong people such as my daughter it was the DMV AGENCY FOUND TO BE CORRUPT
giving out licenses to so many illegally for cash
that's right
but "THEY" will not recognize it
noooooo
this they want to sweep under the rug
many things are RIGGED
AND IT SICKENS ME EVEN MORE

money money money
the ROOT of all evil
just look at whats going on with our election process
it is supposed to be sacred
RIGHT

The birth certificates in hudson county state of NEW JERSEY since the 1960 found that they are invalid and MUST go to TRENTON to obtain a valid document that is recognized as a person who was born in this country
as birth certificates were given out to God knows how many illegals

THE TRUTH PERSONAL EXPERIENCE
WITH ONE OF MY CHILDREN MY SISTER
are you kidding me

all i want is someone to please help me with my depression
right
at $150.00 a pop
awaiting to hear from either insurance company or doctor
as i called the insurance company as the doctor requested i do
and the insurance company said they would call and speak to her personally

i'm sick
and getting sicker
and cannot get the help i need without f'in outrageous up front charges
it just sickens me
just something else to add to my plate
it ALL s.u.c.k.s.
me

All day
 

Unable to get through to doctors the insurance company provided
As the doctors left practice pull out of the program
Office does not exist anymore
All day tryi g to find a doctor
No luck
I have resigned from trying to find a doctor
The tries to find a doctor that is happy with what they are paid for services rendered
Not anymore
Done
Just so done
Me

So many broken hearts
 

We are all having a hard time
We understand he is in a much better place
We just loved him so hard
It hurts just as much
Even harder
He was a great friend
On who never left your side if you were true
He lived a happy life
We loved him so much
We love him even harder
Especially now that he is gone
His eyes forever will I see
My time with him a month ago
Was time that I knew his time was close
He is so very much missed
There is a hole in our hearts
He is missed
Me

My time here has come to an end
 

May all those who touched my life
Forever remembered
Happiness is my wish for all
Good bye
Me

Eva are you with loved ones? You sound like you shouldn't be alone right now, it's been a tough week, month, year for you I know and I wish I could say with certainty it will get better. Truth is we don't know, but we keep trying. Do stay strong, don't go, you are right in you have touched the lives of many, I'm one.

I will try to hang on
 

It ALL is just way much
And I can't find a doctor who will
help me with all of it
As I do what is in my power
And leave the rest in the hands of Heavenly Father
I am broken on just so many levels
I am just getting so tired
I have done my very best
And am given more to deal with
I will try
With all my being
Me

Sending you warmth, love and virtual hugs my friend. Is it possible to ask your last doctor to refer you to another?