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Sending you virtual hugs Eva, no one should have to endure what you are going through. I pray those caught out in their lies are moved on swiftly & you can get the time back to focus on much needed rest & sleep. How sad you must feel. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. :hug:
Ps thank you for your note, I will take heed. :hug: |
I am not surprised
Having a problem getting a decent night of sleep
Management call close to the end of the day No written explanation what happened to my file And thank goodness I always had a person witness to what happened all the times I had to go downstairs All of a sudden The the other acting young manager to her Roslyn Hold on to your socks I reminded her I was promised a letter by Thursday afternoon explaining all that happened She said the young lady won't be in until Monday She misteriously did not work yesterday or today I asked her to put it in writing ready She says I don't know how to type "I don't know how to type" Do this smell like poo or what "I don't know how to type" I called the assigned fella working on this all Then she says after I told her "I will have to call HMFA and tell him what you are telling me" Then I get "MAYBE she will be in Friday" Today I will go down and see for myself I want to see her for myself This is s joke to these people It hurts to take the elevator What kind of people get off doing things like this Why would they play serious games like this Is this what Heavenly Father have me do so maybe her devious ways will change I am well prepared We shall see Me |
She was there
A cheezy letter if you ask me
Luckily I have enough to show who is harassed I'm sick of it Just sick of it Me |
Dismissed
Yet no changes
Just waiting Stepping back from it all And it's worse then ever Holding office accountable The weekend here She just won't quit Me |
Will it be in my lifetime
As they continue to reach out when they need me
And then it soon goes sour Nobody is listening I speak from experience I couldn't do it alone or my way for that matter And until this is understood I have no control in any of it Does that mean if I express to them I cannot continue or conversation on a subject I have experience in and work it is where I have to step back and away And it hurts each and every time Will it ever happen in my time to see my family not be so angry at God and to take responsibility of their own behavior To do something about It is free No necessary to share Recommended to just listen Just listen to the persons who are exactly where they are in their own lives My nineteen year old is crushing me and a vicious cycle has begun As the extreme attitude that emeniates form her When just asking her to make her bed And ignore me Roll her eyes I feel so used Having to carry her as she still hasn't begun school like she says she wants to Or get a job Yup no work for two years As her father gives her money for fun times But she won't put any money on the laundry card Or laundry detergent and softener She likes that soft feel I provided So used I am I give gave till there isn't anymore to give I do not have the capabilities to work anymore She knows this and sees what's happening Crushed I am I have but my own capabilities I got sick And had no control over that My hands and feet hurt so badly They have a heartbeat of pain I cannot make it stop And this she cannot see But I feel And still am forced to do the dishes I cry as only Heavenly Father knows And I put my body into his hands My mind heart and soul And to take my last breath without resolve Would be so sad Hoping for a happy summer We are members of the twin pool Put into Heavenly Fathers hand and the office for the threat and disruption stop with the above tenant Holding my breath I am still needed Me |
Hi Eva. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and sending heartfelt hugs your way.
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When I need it the most Blessed am I with wonderful Lovely people here Warm ones Me |
And now a tattoo
Two days MIA
calls I'm on my way home Walk on say do you want to see my tattoo I said No Mr |
Eva,
Please let Corissa know I think of her often. She is so much more than she gives herself credit for. To settle for not taking advantage of school or even working or helping out is not who she really is. I have said it in the past and Corissa knows I feel we are connected. I hope and pray she will take advantage of these years to form the person who will rise to knowing she did all she could; whether in business or whatever career she is willing to put the effort to do what is necessary. I believe in her. Gerry |
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Forever and always Anxiously waiting on the sidelines It is a difficult road in a difficult culture of kids So difficult to find their way Always in prayer Absolutely done Me |
It is so hard to just listen and not give advice when you love someone and have their best interests at heart, especially if you have walked the path they are on :hug::hug::hug:
You have a right to resent your daughter's behavior :hug: Unfortunately, it seems like it is going to take her extra time to develop into an adult. I'm sure it's hard not to enable her behavior without causing a rift :hug::hug::hug: |
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It is just like you said So difficult to step back My older children rather than help guide her are not being responsible and they too do not get it One cannot stay sober on their own My son dabbling with death and adds alcohol as a replacement because he says he can control himself My eldest a taste for alcohol The mother of my grandchild The only one who's been bitten by he rooms Still not in a good way And then we have my youngest A road she doesn't have to travel She lives with me and my grandchild Trying to get help is never going to work if she has no desire to get help Invincible she thinks she is I kills to watch Very carefully I deal with her Very gently And then there are times I just want to shake her She knows what she is doing This is the part that hurts She knows Will alway be their cheerleader When will she start to fight back All I can do is pray Pray to Heavenly Father that they will find their way sooner than later And to see I'm on their side and understand Thanks for the support Holding in As I hold on to her and try not letting her fall into the abyss Much love with warm hugs Me |
Open and honest to them I always am
Never sugar coating it
Seeing for themselves true to the way things really were They say all the time I didn't know we were poor mom I did my job After divorce Back to work Nights to the very end of my working career Never sitting on my buttocks Always on the move Excercising back to school trying to go into the medical field How far from that was I Vowing never to work in city hall And where did I put 12 1/2 year and it mean nothing Nothing Like that over night When I turned forty My eyes first thing that changed on the downhill slide Between Corissa and her kidney troubles And OMG the hospital stays and doctors For three years of her life to have that wonder will she make it She was 3 1/2 months old And when she took off for a few days coming home with i he only kidney infection Never even thought yo take her temp That I expected A thermometer so important in my lifetime Not to be taken lightly Going off topic I just learned The above tenant did what I said I would never do and that was take her to court as I had management handle it And the charge even though dropped needs to be expunged I am mortified Just beside myself So with my body that I have no control over as it is breaking down as it is And doctors have no clue what's going on with veins in my hands or feet and why they are behaving the way they are I was taken off tamoxifen after 5 years The veins don't swell as often and no bruises so there may be a connection to the happenings of my feet and hands in connection with the cancer medicine I see my oncologist next week So looking forward to seeing the pain specialist for a torodol shot It lasts me about two weeks Anything to relieve the constant pain Do I go into depression mode No Do I wonder if something changed with me Most certainly Do I have to put up with the I know better attitude And them not to even try a be receptive to what I have to offer A hard thing to step back from I will not let my children hurt me anymore Because the separations alone is tough enough I wish them happiness in whatever they do For them to love what they do To love who they are To know they matter My walls are up again My father really did a number on me Taught me how to build them up quickly And just as I'm almost done I remember by doing so I shut out Jesus Christ My constant My everything Heavenly Fatherto hold me up as I remember who is in charge of it all To not want to feel is my life and because I have to be vigilant and not let myself be victimized or let it consume me I must do Now to do homework on how to handle this Numb Me |
Eva,
A few years ago, when Corissa first spoke with me over the phone; the first thing she said was "thank you for being friends with my mother". Her love for you stood out. It's still there; just pray she can move away from the "fog" that is hindering her view on all that she is and could be. Gerry |
Dear Gerry
Corissa has all the space she could ever ask of me
And I am always ready for her when she falls My angel has a path of her own she needs to find What hurts me mostly Is watching them step away from faith all will be awesome when embracing God Jesus the angels the universe the sun Whatever But believe in yourself I tell them They all are wrapped up in this way of the world Not the good stuff How they turned away so quickly Blows me away I have guided my children and the can take care of themselves Such as cooking taking case of bills financial responsibility Laundry And such But the deeper side of them have changed closer to Corissas generation Stagnant The core of Corissa all good She says she would like to be a counseling as your daughter is doing Something she has knowledge in and has a desire to return back to school She gets sidetracked easily And many take advantage of her I never came between her relationship with her father Someone that I knew was not healthy And I was not going to be the reason they would have like to gave tried didn't happen I feel secretly badly for her and her sister Christine Her dad forgot he even had her They both have real dad issues and I don't like any of the things he says says to Corissa gave her a body image complex She's always fighting over food He terrible Just terrible I don't like it I can't do anything about him But just be available for her The phone is in a dangerous condition and he will not get it fixed it is cracked oozing with all that dangerous stuff She sleeps with it Puts it in her bra In her kidney area It is so dangerous This is just one example And pray that one day she will submit to Heavenly Father Pray she will return to therapy They are waiting for her And I will continue to pray And try to have as much fun with them as possible They are inseparable You are heard You are heard dear friend Thanks Warm hugs |
It's so common at 19 for kids to feel invincible. For some reason, 19 isn't as old as it used to be now, and that may be a little part of it. Keep loving her, and hopefully, she will start loving herself enough to find herself soon :hug:
I feel badly that the girls have not had enough of their father. It must be very difficult for them :hug: |
You are so on the money
To not have a father in their lives in a positive way
To have not focused on them and not me Sad but true The one who seen it clearly Is my youngest Never coming between them She know where my heart lays away And am always to be found when they need me I support them trying to find the answers they look for I have a son who has been surrounded by women His three sisters Me my two sisters My mother It must have been difficult A mother no matter how much she tries to help fill it by taking them to all sports available It turned out to be softball But even then he was treated differently by the adults My boy is 6'8" tall He was always two heads taller And lanky Oh how they wanted him for basketball He wasn't interested Eventually left softball as they expected so much more because of his height But I tried And he knew that And as time went by And they got older and technology was first introduced when they were in high school Everything changed And I guess I didn't change quick enough or not change at all I do not like it when I have company and the phone is out in front of them or in their hands But you have a very valid important assement As I had a father around But did so much harm And having divorced so young I trusted nobody with my children It was a choice not to be involved in their lives It hurt when he applied for emancipation from them Yes I sacrificed much for them They owe me nothing I expect nothing I chose to not ever be involved with anybody And it was one less fear I did not have to worry about If my father was capable of doing what he did to me and my sister and a mother who knew and turned her head when crap was happening I don't know What would you do That's what I did They grew up without a dad As a dad should be in his son and daughters life Conscious of this did the best I could That's that Standing on the sideline The love never stops The dreams to come true Lots of love Me |
Eva,
Was that your ex-husband, the father of your first three children, that filed for emancipation from them? I had not heard that term before. Did that mean he didn't pay any support for them? My dad left when I was almost 11; my brother is 3 years older than me. My father did keep in touch with me tho. Thankfully, the school was less than a block away as well as the Church. Since my mother often worked nights, I spent many evenings just sitting in Church. Faith was very important then as well as now. It is good your children are aware of your faith. Hopefully this will one day make a difference to them and eventually seek God's help in prayer. Gerry |
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Hoping this message finds you and your family well Emancipation has all but the same to be relieved of any responsibility to or for them To take care of themselves He never believed his eldest is an epelitic and has had all the surgeries or that she is blind in her right eye Yes Gerry As if he never fathered them And of the three Christine was 3/12 months Sara close to 4 Michael close to 2 He divorced them also Never held him from not have contact The grandparents on that side divorced them as well After a good number of years My ex sister in law a mother of two past and left two girls behind Wrote me Asking for forgiveness not being in their life As she said she understood what I was going through Sadly we never had a chance to be a family He wanted nothing to do with them In his words If I can't have you They are yours My case set presetance in the state of NJ MY EX EVADED HIS RESPONSIBILITY WORKING FOR GENERAL MOTORS in the nj linden plant And transferred to the Tarrytown plant in our back yard in a different state New York It was and is what it is He has had contact from them He has no interest Be well Doing all that is expected of me And will never abandon them Me |
Staying in the moment
I don't want to feel anything
Let me turn it over Trying to erase what was said this morning Letting it go Not to feel their shortcomings I have myself to take care of I have to take care of myself I am good for nothing if I don't let it go It cuts me up And I don't deserve the way my children manipulate me Shame on me I must stop and start my day over again for the third time After hearing from my middle sister Someone who calls when she is overwhelmed and needs reasoning she turns to me And I say to myself again Eva let it go Letting it go We shall see We shall see How this works for today I will be selfish and take care of this person Turn to Heavenly Father and just do One step at a time Me |
Dear Eva, you are such a strong woman, despite our infirmities we, you and me, just crack on. There is a reason others turn to us in their time of need, and those that expect us to continue to be "just us"! We feel this feeling inside and it builds as those around us blithely carry on in life treating us we once were. The difference we are noticing is not their behaviour, it is ours. They have not changed their ways, they have always been selfish & manipulative but we were so busy being consumed with getting on with life we didn't take time out of our day to let them know their behaviour is unacceptable. So here we are, now in our prime, and we've been dealt a cruddy hand. Our bodies are failing, our minds are not. Now we see with open eyes and hear loud and clear the shortcomings we (in love) kindly overlooked.
It will not, and is not selfish to look after yourself first. Think of it as a kindness, better they learn now to look after themselves and each other while we are still around to give them kind yet firm guidance. Yes, you may have said hurtful words, but they are just words, not swords, it seems those around us have very thick skins, I doubt our words pierce them, it is only us who suffer with guilt after, they have already moved on. I'm trying a new tack. For everything anyone does for me, I use simple words. Thank you for your kindness. How thoughtful of you. I've stopped doing the small things which assembled building blocks & stairways to anger in my mind. I don't get up at 4 and feed the dogs, the alarm goes off and I hit snooze, twice sometimes three. I haven't fed the dogs for a week. But they are being fed, to begin with there was a duplicate snooze button going off. Now it's just my own. That warm body lying beside me is up and out of the bed as soon as the alarm goes off. Needs must - my needs!! So dear Eva, be selfish and know it's not selfishness but a kindness after all. The old saying you have to be cruel to be kind, comes to mind. Only we are not cruel, just selfless. :hug::hug: |
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I need you to know I have taught myself Not to respond especially with any horrible words In return They cannot say o went there I do however say things and do not follow through Giving once again the benifit to a possible change And I then tell them I need you to remove yourself from my life right now I am being pulled down with the negativeness that lingers on for way to long What I have done was block them Not allowing them to her me or my grandchild to hurt I will share with you My granddaughter returned home Saturday after the father said horrible things to her Crying at my door before running into my arms She blurts out Daddy said I'm the most boring child on the whole wide world I was crushed Brought me back to when o was a little girl and what my father and mother would say And I'll leave it at that I SO WILL take care of me and protect Eva You are so on the money when you say It is exactly how you said it It is how I react So on point Thanks for reminding me Love Me |
I'm so sad in today's day and age with all we know of children self harm an adult could stoop to such selfishness and say such a thing to such a young child. That memory will remain a fixed memory for her but with your love and support you can change the dialogue going on in her mind. Sounds to me daddy is the boring one who can't entertain himself let alone his own child. I'm so sorry it brings back those horrid childhood moments for you. They hurt I know. You are such a strong advocate for your grandchild and you are doing right by her - and you. :hug:
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Wanting my last breath
My yesterday is today just so much worse
Nothing 4days and something went aray just like that Yesterday is here again and I don't want to be in it My two youngest children together for the past few days They are not children And their bull crap isn't anything I want to deal with I am so done and now what Wait for another repeat of such a horrible horrible day and I am so so so sorry But it is not ok Babies mother in the hospital so high on PCP and then my youngest hung with her until mommy stormed out of the meeting My youngest doing her thing with a jerk who is trying to 13 step my child and doesn't even know it And has push me out of her way Put her hands on me A child I never hit or abused And I don't know why but she is not the daughter I once had and knew Her traumatic as she watched her sister high and it comes back to me when she came home at a late time To awake me to that crap And then I just caved Caved where my brain cannot handle the pain and overload I am not alive anymore The life is sucked out of me and no body sees it at all The veins in my hands hurt so badly My feet hurt when I stand Just burn me Please Just burn me How does one keep a happy face on like she sees me try And why does she have to ask are they happ sad pain or happy tears And I don't want to feel see cry anymore because I have nobody else to talk to about this all I am the only person who is trying to keep my granddaughter in a happy place I can't today A son who is kicking dope My eldest who I hear has a unhealthy taste for alcohol addiction addiction addiction is killing them and me Because I have lived longer And my child tells me how traumatized she is seeing her sister in that state and just keeps dumping more and mor and mor and more I just want it to all end I can't do anything about it There isn't anything I can do I don't want to hear any of it anymore Who is listing to me Who is helping me What have I got to keep my granddaughter happy while the rest of them are killing themselves I all I can do is watch I don't want to see hear feel know any of it Why do I do this to myself I have no body helping or looking out for me But have to trust this is what Heavenly Father has in store for us I don't have the nerve I can't do it To just slip away slowly pain free of it all To not ****ing cry anymore It does nothing it doesn't feel good afterwards And I don't know when the next problem will arise trauma she says I am sure Only All I have to say about that I relate As I have 56 years of it and it doesn't seem to be getting better What What else must I have to understand my purpose is and for what Who cares anyway I have to let go of this HOW MUCH MORE SADNESS DISPARITY PAIN I DONT KNIW WHAT TO DO WITH IT Nobody sees or hears So what else is left to do Watch my granddaughter life be destroyed Why can't I have the means to just get away Just run away Why am I here Why do I have to stay in this tornado that has become a monster I come to you dear Father Please please release my heat that hurt so much My brain can't think anymore Today I am good go nobody including myself I have a hole where my heart used to be I feel so sad no words to explain Where do I go What do I do How do I move ahead when I have all this crap to deal with I don't want to anymore And then there is Eva Tainted by so much ugliness How do I protect us No family No mother to turn to As she never wanted us None of my children doing well enough to help As they need it desperately And I have been there so many times Just want to throw the towel in Pray pray pray pray pray I do not for me It hurts so badly My child able to push me Why not kill me There is so much hurt so much hurting all hurting And I can't keep it together anymore I just want to throw in the towel |
Eva,
Sad... It appears they feel your place has a swinging door and are taking advantage of it. It's difficult to place rules like "open door" will not remain open under these conditions. Seeing this daily is just too painful in addition to all your physical pain. So sorry you are having to deal with this kind of behavior. Gerry |
Nothing changed
For the better
My yesterday is today Even harder Granddaughter tells me this morning She was told to lie to me What do I do Father Hold on to me tight Just for today Me |
If I had the nerve I would do it
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Mother calls from hospital
Eva begins balling I don't want To leave here mimma Father not any better Comes to drop off some of Eva's stuff Screaming in the halls after getting off phone with mother After Corissa tells him what she said to Eva A cluster everything as me and Eva are locked in my room And under the covers reading her bible Yes Eva has a bible Read till she fell asleep I am going crazy And can't Had to take BP meds my pressure out of control I don't know how much more I can go This is all so wrong Wrong Me |
Eva I can't recall if you were awarded primary carer rights for your granddaughter and her parents visitation? If you are the primary carer you can go back to the courts and request supervised visits and regular drug testing. If instead your granddaughter has just been dumped on you because the parents aren't that bothered with her, then is it possible you reintroduce limited visits and rather than continue to strive on a family centred approach for her which I understand why, you reverse that approach slowly & quietly without responding & carry on as if nothing has changed. Remember you are her number one person. Immature & sad adults do tell children not to tell grandma, they say things like "what happens here stays here, or it's a secret don't tell". Whatever happens with you down the track, it's the time she is having now with you she will always remember & treasure. This time with her parents won't be recalled as good times, you can't change that, but you can limit the damage they do because she lives with you. Not them. I wish things were easier for you :hug:
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I have custody
And the case has been closed for about two years now I will fight to the death As it is killing me Thanks PamelaJune Thatks so much Love me |
Well you have custody for a good reason, sounds like it's time to really limit visitations and then only under supervision with a qualified counsellor and subject to drug & alcohol testing before they see her. If unclean, then no visit. You do right by her Eva, this we know. Sending you positive thoughts and virtual hugs :hug::hug:
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PamelaJune
With my entire being
As much as this pain is affecting me To the point when you truly just want to end it I can't My life is not in my own hands But Heavenly Father I just have to keep reminding myself With the support of persons like yourself and many others Never ever did I think the latter part of this ones life has changed so drastically I truly am alone having to do things My youngest has changed not for the better But much like the mother of Eva Pushing me around How am I suppose to take something that is not in my control There is this last little one I need to keep my head together Nobody in my immidate family as they are not interested with the need for just a little help Just a little help Nowhere to be found What hurts is I want to cave And I can't I carried my last child to date And all that happens is I want I want I want And I won't give anything anymore Let her understand all the little things I do And she is so mean to me right now and I have to hold on Hold on oh so tight Me |
Giving her a good day
It was is still a painful feeling I'm going through
Naught Corissa a pool membership for our pool we go to for her birthday We got up After the laundry was washed but not dried My OCD SUCKS SO promised Eva we would go to the pool Couldn't do anything about drying cloths Card broken It's the weekend My last for or five days or who really knows Corissa opted out And oh God When she said to me you can handle it I shut down Won't be seeing her tonight I'm sure Her keys here She got up and took a shower Cause I told her I don't trust her And ask why she did not want to come I promised And I need to get the things I can't do alone And she took a shower walked out without saying goodbye I put towels in the bag Brought a Barbie threat can go in the water It was the only thing I could carry Have no small cart And was in so much pain the entire My chair was home Had to sit on a metal bench Or sat at the side of the pool And I just cried so hard inside Have you ever done that Every muscle in you body including my eyeballs hurt With pain and utter sorrow We left after 2 1/2 hrs I cried felt things I hated to have to feel and go through It ducks big time Took her to drive through Wendy For her FF Me |
I have no words of comfort Eva, only solidarity. I cry inside every day, I push my body beyond its limits. I said yesterday I could die and no one would know. No one comes to check on me. I fall over and lay there until I can get up, no one responds to my cries for help. We've been dealt a crappy hand we have, we share our lives with narcissistic or centred people. In their minds we are here to serve. My entire family, I'm the afterthought if thought of at all. My husband, only focussed on his journey.
Example Friday I see a man in the park across the road behaving strangely, laying flat on the ground seeming to have his head tilted towards the play equipment where 7 or more of our young neighbourhood children are playing. I've never seen this man. I ask DB to come look, he does begrudgingly, says it's a man lying in the park nothing wrong with that & walks away. Uhm - it's not, it's winter, there is no sun, it's 5pm, the grass will be wet. I see the mans hand move, I know what he's doing. I grab one of the dogs and march to the park, I'm in pain but I go to the children, ask if ok, they say he's been lying there watching them for a long time, just lying flat on his back. As I approach his legs & hips moving, he hasn't seen me coming. Suddenly a loud bang of a neighbour door sounds out, his attention bought back to surroundings, sees me heading for him with dog and up n runs away. I go back to children whose mother has arrived, she thanks me profusely. We've never had stranger danger in our park but it seems to have arrived as she tells me he's been seen a few times lately. We report it to police. I'm outside for a very long time, go back in. DB not even noticed I've gone. I say nothing. Saturday he's arguing with me, I've groaned once to often as I stand from sitting. Says I'm being melodramatic, like yesterday the man in the park doing nothing. I laugh, show him the police report with the neighbouring witnesses. Tell him to take his head out of his backside and smell the roses as he's talking shite & walked away. DB was contrite for rest of yesterday evening. Quote:
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Exactly Parallel in many ways And I know it's me who needs to work even harder and I don't know what to do with this utter horrible hurt But hold on I hear you and concur In everyway And we are who we are Good kind ready to help if asked A shoulder to lean on my trust my dedication And I must remind myself May this be my last chance with Eva happy that she is so loving smart companionate I wish we could get a tiny dog She would benefit and get the unconditional love and physical comfort of an animal who's heart pitter patter when it sees her But I cannot afford or take on the responsibilities that come with bringing in a family member like such I asked the doctor to write up a note It would allowed for depression and such But he was looking out for my physical well being as it is work Our last family member was trained by me to go in a piddle box Like a cat But it is much work on top of taking care of this precious child She had such a good time I make a promise and try never to break them Not that i play a dollar for a lottery ticket all I would want is to have a full body massage in the morning and again before bed Just the thought of that I hope kindness comes your way as you too are dealing with the same Hugs for you And hugs for me You wonderful lady Thank you for the wise words It means much at this this time Love Me |
Ah and that's why we don't. Both our lives been touched by it, yours your father, mine my fiancé. We are stoic dear Eva. Hang on, gods plan is in place he knows what we do and why we do. It's why we endure.
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Eva, In today's paper where I live, you are not alone, I wonder if you can access some help like these women seem to have been able to do?
Perth grandparents looking after grandchildren from drug-addicted or mentally ill parents | Perth Now |
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So many of us I had no clue it is this wide spread What's happening to this world Again on such a difficult And as reluctant I am to share I must I must have the support in any way I can get it This article as hard it was to read It was a relief in a good way You gave me that today Something I believe is coming form an even higher place through you May your heart feel joy Knowing you make a difference Calm assured you are special From a friend to another |
My youngest never came home
I suspected she wasn't going to come home
Having a week from hell Trying to integrate some family Mother her in the beginning Going to meetings Taking Rather hanging on Corissa Not that she couldn't use one herself Went nuts on Wednesday Then my youngest comes home saying she was traumatized Sorry if I wasn't in the comforting mood As I am tired of them crapping on me Again faith is what I'm hanging on here Really now Traumatized How many times have you seen her in that state I barked back And what am I suppose to do about it anyhow A revolving door I cannot have in the delicate situation that is at my doorstep A mother who truly is nuts And I mean that literally It's one thing to have the genetic problems And fries her brain with that stuff Now here is the worse of all Saturday morning a day I hoped we a family Eva only knows And now on a rocky point because of her Rather take responsibility of her life Return back to school and finish Something she said she was ready to do Using all hurtful lies of excuses About not going to work Even part time And what infuriates me It is so little I ask So little That she cannot say it be the reason she doesn't have a life She hasn't done her laundry in about a month I will leave it at that But when she takes Eva to school She wakes with the phone in her hand Dosnt like making her lunch And have learned twice recently she went to school without lunch Heartbroken Corissa was catered to like a princess Cheese omelette with bacon toast her favorite apple peeled sliced thin(Granny Smith) orange juice Not to mention the lunches I sent her off with An extra one as they would eat her lunch I tell her how can you forget I cannot understand what is so hard in the things like taking her to school with an Uber How much easier can that be It's become the waking up going on phone Sit down while I get Eva dressed do her hair What it takes to send her off looking prepared for the day Ready Never came home I had to drive her to school Not an easy thing with all the bump humps on the road to keep one from speeding So difficult on my body I take my meds between 6:30 and 7:00 in the morning Just cannot get over all of this Having to now drive her to school Oh because I don't bleed This i get I have my cross to carry Not complain about it I just hurts so badly on every conceivable level And am numb Numb Took off Where is she Is she alive Me |
I wrote her this morning
Trying very hard not to use the word YOU
does anybody understand this Can anybody understand this As my cross is heavier It is mine To not beg is not my pride As I would hope when someone asks me and I tell them they hear me No I'm not okay Something is going on with my body doctors are perplexed at what happens to my hands and feet Black and blue I had to do so much with the wet white loaf I needed to get a new card from office After bring her home bathing her down to freshen her up Then to do that wet load To come up make pasta for her Fold the laundry Get things ready for the morning Brutal Just brutal I WILL CARRY MY CROSS I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVA AND SHE Will remember I was never not here for her Never for a moment have I not been able to see I am constant in her life Writing to Corissa and reminding her that this is not how a grown up behaves And that I will not beg for something that is obvious if one hears and see I can't do the things my body does I will carry my Cross |
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