today hurts
i have locked the door
to my room

for those who know me
understand how important
family is to me

Only for that rug too be pulled
from underneath me by my
family

One by one at some point in their life
they would say
you shouldn't have had children
my 32 year old son expressed first

i felt good that through all the adversities
i never thought ever
"i wish i never had children"

i taught them as they grew
that phrase
"never say never"
or
"it can't get any worse"

I said the unthinkable after my eldest
pulled a very hurtful costly painful
stunt that has become my responsibility
allowing her and her husband to use it
for Christmas gifts
with her husband who only in november or
december landed a job @65,000.00
and yeah just getting back on their
the child i wish there more of in the world
and like i said it's a long story
it will make sense for those who followed me over the years
and my failed surgery brought me here

so how do i respond now that it be told by them all

what my 34 year daughter Sara said to me

"you shouldn't have had any children"

and because all fell that way

maybe i shouldn't have

AND I SAID "IT"

you all are right

Sorry

me

and to think me getting health care
was just horribly botched
oh sweet Jesus
today sucked so badly
to talk about it just gets me fired up
how badly it is botched
i have no choice in my life
and what comes forth
and all i have to say is
really
i mean really
why am i here
why the hell am i here
today i did what i was suppose to do
and undo what inexperience and misinformation
and plan old don't have a clue
i am tired of repeating myself
i am tired of people telling me how they
won't dis enroll me from a plan
that does me no good
i had to fight so hard for them
to finally do it
let alone see it
i am tired
on the phone from nine in the morning
till four in the afternoon
today sucked big time
me

I'm so sorry it was so hard but you finally did it! Yay. Well done.

dear Lara

so tired
still no plan
only had to fight to have
me removed from a plan
that just did not make any sense

Lara to tell you how many people i needed
to repeat my story to
and why i should carry the burden
of a healthcare company that doesn't
have any of my doctors working with the plan

just to get up and freshen the bed
wiped me out
why do i wake so sad
why can't i get with the program
why can't i move even the slightest
without pain

my body yearns to be touched
to be loved
a hug from my granddaughter
or my daughter
to be touched
hurts
why
dear Jesus why
where is everybody
i'm not dead yet
why am i here

i'm not the only one in this state
how
why
i do not feel good
i do not want to feel
what i feel hurts
i don't want to hurt any more
my body 54 young
my brain feels 35
my body is dead

the human touch
it can heal
sad
me

We all hold you, Sweet Lady, in our arms full of warmth and kindness. Know that our hearts hurt and bleed with you but that there will be brighter days ahead thank you Lord.

Very gentle group hug for our precious Eva

Debi from Georgia

thank you Debi
for reminding me the days will continue
until to come as God has me wake

take good care of yourself
me


your concern means much
love
me