I have no clue what it is
But I do not feel right
Something is going on with my body
It has been a while
Experiencing excessive sweating in the night
when I sleep
It isn't a good feeling
I am afraid to say what I feel
I will get blood work when I go to my oncologist
Must go to gynecologist spotting and I should not be
bleeding
Today is painful in many ways
It was just to difficult to write yesterday
I do so look forward to warmer sunny days
And the uplifting spirit you bring and wishing
me well
Thank you to anyone who shared with me

Today after yesterday I stay in bed
It cannot be a repeat of yesterday
I just had what I felt was a total mental break down
Fighting back a terrible day

Today I will chill
I'm missing my dog so badly

Today the babies mother (my daughter)
is in a rehab facility
A 30 day program and then a halfway house
God be with her

Today I have her and Corissa
Hoping for smiles
the father of my granddaughter
was to pick her up yesterday and today
Not going to happen
Busy doing other things

Today is gonna be a sunny day
Wishes from Lara
Love
Me

Eva,
Please make an appointment with your gyny. He may have an approach that is not only physical; but emotional.

Love & Prayers,


Gerry

I am going though a tornado
with every thing just a little harder
Corissa had 60 days
Lost it by picking up cough medicine
with codine
The whole bottle
At program now
Doing meetings when early
Her father is behaving in a mean selfish way towards her
Not picking her up from meetings as they end at late hours
to be walking home alone
Program calling him on his absence when necessary to be
there
And I just learned he leaves for his coaching or his meeting
Not a comfortable time
Need to be there for her
Awaiting call from program doing a conference
Then there is my granddaughters father and his turd
My daughter in the program
He now expressed he is seeking custody
Not if I have anything to do with it

I don't know anymore if I'm coming or going

I'm in I don't know what mode

Write later

Eva's hungry

Love
Me

BASKETBALL DIARIES

I FOREWARNED HER

as it brings what's in this family
does not only have to be the big H
it is a lesson in itself
the upbringing
everything a mother suffers watching her
children with addiction in one form or another
including myself
with the clear understanding
my sobriety, meetings, psychotherapist sessions
mean zip to them
as if i don't need my medicine
"meetings"
being held back by my own children
having Eva is a commitment i chose to do
when the judge asked who will be seeking custody
i stepped up
not to enable
but to save her from
"the state taking her"
i will always protect her and my family
at times situations inevitability can be
mistaken as "enabling"
yes very aware of this
yes they
being
mother and father
a father who expressed on many occasions
especially when things weren't going his way
he goes manic and expressed to me
when angry at my daughter
how he would LOVE to stab her over and over
and slice her up
yes
this is the father of Eva
my granddaughter
as for her mother
she is in a 30 day re-hab
then halfway house
i pray and tell her
i cannot do it alone

i haven't yet spoken to her
or heard anything of the movie
"yet"
today
she will do food shopping
this will be interesting
it will be a tell tale sign about certain
things
i'm sure that is understood
having a tough time
with this body
plowing forward
will get a large exercise ball
one i can sit on
on the terrace with rope like ties on banister
and try to work on my body
i so would love a inverted bench
will not do
way to dangerous

going through the list of items
needed with my daughter
i will have to have her take a cab home
it must be done

just for today
love
me

Watched mass
Message was
No NEGITIVE thoughts
So upon waking I have to get
myself going
Going means
Taking my first set of Meds for the day
Eight Pills just to start
And then two more doses in the afternoon
and then again before bed
I should be happy to have Meds that help a bit
I feel like I am half dead already
To have to muster up and work myself
into a mental state of positive happenings
is work in itself
Depression seems to override anything I do
for pain supersedes all
I haven't had a belly laugh
Can't remember the last time
Trying to push it out of my mind isn't a easy task
Coming here is where I am lifted
Very special persons take it from me
And get it
I don't want it anymore
I was never this pathetic
It makes me sick that I see myself
like such
All I hear is
Eva, you are such a strong woman
I am weak physically but what disturbs me
mostly what it robs me of the use of my brain
O n c e "it" captures me it's almost to late
Today I will try my best to stay positive
Me

So many things going on
Still in a horrible place
Back is off the chart a
And all else followed

It was a mess on top of a huge mess
She is in a place of help
Lord help her pull through the next
six months with you at her side
Amen
Me

LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS,

AMEN



Gerry