Pam,
Since DB was away during the holidays for a few weeks, and his being really dealing with the dark thoughts, etc., as well as frequently laying down; it was difficult to know whether he was able to continue working. Actually, the hours alone have to be quite exhausting for him. Between his working, as well as your job, the dogs and the pond, there appears to be very little time for enjoying some special time. Both of you really have taken on a huge task caring for the house and all the extras.

I am glad to learn you are able to go to work today; at least getting away from home; even for a short time may be a plus. I remember you had mentioned Vallium,(which I take 2 5mg's daily; it does also help with sleep) but it seems you may have been switched to Xanax. If the 1/2 of the Zoloft appears to be helping, maybe your doctor would rethink your taking a full tablet; especially if you feel you would rather hold off.

Thanks for filling in some of the empty spaces. I really do care very much.

Take care dear friend.


Gerry

I haven't been able to leave the house yet, I know I have to go, I just can't find the will. I've spoken to my receptionist, the office aircon is not working & my office is like a sauna. But if I don't go I'll never go. I think I'm having a breakdown. These tablets have taken the tears & replaced them with a feeling of inertia. I can't concentrate & I'm all over the place with agitation & anxiety. Snippy is an ideal word to describe me.
Gerry I took 3 Valium on the Friday, they did nothing at all for me. Didn't quell the anxiety, still the muscle spasm or provide much needed sleep. I have alprazolam (Xanax) left over from before so I took a 1/2 of a 1/4 (not much) because I know they work. GP & I discussed valium or alprazolam but as you know I fear the consequences of alprazolam (seizure in 2012) so I said no give me Valium. Took the alprazolam as a last resort as I knew it would work as a 1 off. Will make a cuppa & haul myself out the door. Wish I didn't feel like this, I want to cry but there is nothing there. I think I preferred the tears, at least I felt like a real person. Now I feel like a cardboard cutout.
I'm sure I'm cracking up.

Pam,

Just wonder if the Zoloft is causing some very unwanted side effects.

A few years back I was given some meds which I was told to take for a month. The meds(Prozac) put me in sort of la la land. I was completely useless. I couldn't do anything much except crawl back in bed and was terribly depressed. My thoughts/mind were going in a complete opposite direction. It was frightening. After a month, when I went for my scheduled appointment, I told the doctor of the way I was feeling. He scolded me for not calling him sooner. He was actually upset with me. Needless to say, they were discontinued. For me; it was a good decision.

I totally agree with you about the Xanax. Tho they work almost immediately, they sometimes can have negative effects especially when taken for any length of time.

The Valium does help the anxiety; but takes time to get into the system. I really didn't even realize the muscle spasms that were a problem for so many years was getting better until a few months later. That was a bonus I had not expected. I do take Elavil at bedtime; which is a tricyclic anti-depressant. Have been on it for years.

Pam, I would suggest you get in touch with your doctor as soon as possible. This is quite worrisome.


Gerry

I managed to get to the office, had a very busy day but confess I spent the greater part battling thoughts of "I want to go home". The office heat was hideous no aircon and with no roof insulation my office just a sauna. When I finally did come home a cold shower was warranted. Still feeling very agitated, irritable and just unlike myself. Will continue with the Zoloft 25mg until a Friday. If not improvement will cease. Assume tomorrow morning will be the same, the 5 hour marathon to get myself geared up to get out the front door. i.e. get up at 4am and leave at 9am (start at 10). I hate this and currently really dislike me.

Pam,

I just got up a little while ago and the thought of your injections came to me....
I was hoping I would get to this post before you saw it and was going to redo it.....

You had those injections last week which most likely are full of steroids. While they give energy; the irritability, anger, agitation is awful. You had a full series series of them.

I went thru this a series of steroids some years ago. I would get them every three months. What I finally realized was the agitation, etc. I described would happen. I have an issue right now with the Bursitis in my hips; I was advised to get steroid injections to help with the inflammation, etc., but I don't want to go thru the awful feelings. It dawned on me this morning about your injections. Add to this your medication for depression; you must feel like a "time bomb". I wish I had thought of this last night before I posted the above.

Pam....Hang in there.


Gerry

Eva & Gerry thank you so much for your personal efforts to reach out to me and offer support. I'm hanging in. 5hrs sleep last night, still agitated and my upper back is in a dreadful muscle spasm. Going to try a temgesic & Valium at 8am. Took 5mg oxynorm at 4am, has not made a scrap of difference. Had DB rub some gel on it before he left for work. He was in bed by 8 last night, well after 11 before I could entertain the thought of lying still.

I've not had reactions like this to the steroid injections before Gerry, but I'll take it and hope n pray you are correct. I have an appt this Thursday with my PM and also with the Nevro rep. Definitley don't think the unit is working. If I can't get this spasm under control I won't be going to the office but can work from home.

Edit
7am I've done the necessary required for cleaning up outside (kennels) & I've made an executive decision. I'm staying home, I'm calling in sick (will be the 1st time in 2 yrs) & im not working from home either. Also, I've taken the Valium & temgesic & 2 Panamax now, I'm just not waiting another hour to get this pain under control. I wonder if my PM will be able to give me a targeted injection into the spasm tomorrow? My old PM used to do it in his rooms when I was like this.

I'm still wondering if I need inpatient help mentally. I had a breakdown when I was 21. I felt like I had no support. No one to talk to, no one bothered to listen, no one believed me. I felt like the ground had dropped from beneath my feet. Starting to feel like that again, all I have is here.

DB has a long appt with GP for Friday, might tag onto it and ask for a referral to my old psych, She runs one of the very successful inpatient mental health clinics, maybe she will suggest I spend a week in there, just to get some respite.

I know DB is struggling, so am I, but am I enabling him by all that I do. Roles reversed, he does very little to help me. Is he so far gone he needs inpatient help & by default that will release me, I don't know, I just don't know. I want to cry but there is nothing, I'm empty. And yet all these thoughts are jumbling to come out..... so sorry, don't know what to do or say, not been in this situation before. When I was young I had no responsibilities and going inpatient for 2 weeks impacted nothing and no one. Although I do remember clearly food tasted like sand & smelt of dead ants I lost my appetite completely, so that hasn't happened this time, maybe that's a sign I'm not that far gone!

Another edit
Valium & temgesic not helping, 8am just taken another temgesic & Valium. Not at upper limit of what I'm prescribed so don't worry.

Pam,
Although you've had steroid injections before, you have had about 9 areas injected with steroids for the sleeve root injections. That is several times over and above the usual injection of steroids given to patients. This may take some time before getting out of your system.

You mentioned about the possibility of getting an in office care about the spasms you are dealing with. Just a suggestion but before having anything done, you might want to check to find out if this might have steroids. That would be adding onto what already dealing with.

The stressful situation you have been living thru for over a year with DB's rehab and the deep "funks" he's been dealing with has been amazing. It would take down even the strongest of individuals; but you were there always trying to help DB get through. You yourself needed help too.

Not surprised you became depressed; but again, I truly feel all the steroids in one session was way above and beyond the average and to add to it, you were already dealing with depression. I had very similar situation to what you are dealing with having only a couple of steroid injections at one time. Also, what you may have been able to deal with in the past, our system change and many things that would not cause problems prior; now do.

Pam, on top of all these steroid injections you had; then you begin the Zoloft.

I'm glad you are taking some time off work. Too much to deal with trying to concentrate and deal with situations that arise.

Please keep us informed. We care very much dear friend.


Gerry

God Bless You and DB. I don't know how you do it. What inner strength you have.

You have some awesome friends here and that warms my heart for you.

Debi

No real change to the anxiety and agitation but the good news is I still have the ability to cry. It's not lost to me completely. It might sound strange but having solved my way through the last 12 months to suddenly have no tears -at all! Well it was surreal and felt somehow wrong. Anyway, something happened and it moved me to tears, good light emotional tears of relief/ happiness. A good will gesture towards an elderly gentleman moved me enough to think of my old dad.

I'm going to the office today, depending on the humidity & how bad this muscle spasm is I might grab the laptop and come work from home until I go to my PM appt this afternoon. Decisions I just can't seem to make, dithering all the time now, so jolly frustrating.

Friday 10th February stopped the Zoloft, not because of the angst I endured this week but because my PM went off his Nana when he learned I'd stopped the Endep and gone onto Zoloft. You cant take Endep with Zoloft. Zoloft prescribed by the GP to try & get the depression & anxiety under control.

Endep is a much older drug that provides a measure of pain relief (muscle relaxant) & is often used in cancer patients or those with chronic pain. It's also known as Amytriptaline and is known to help with psychiatric anxiety. I've taken it previously years ago for my severe back pain in the 1990's & eventually developed a tremor which is/was then a known side effect. (This tremor began back around 1996) I stopped the Endep & the tremor went away. I've been reluctant to take it ever since & on the occasions when specialists etc (in 01,2,3 & 4) insisted I take it (when the tumour kept growing back) the tremor would always return.

I explained all this to my PM last year & the year before & he was outright sceptical, said he'd never heard of such a side effect & in effect made me feel I was being silly to not agree to take to 10mg. So after pushing from him I began it again mid last year sometime. Sure enough the same sensation soon kicked in & in December I stopped of my own volition.

I tried to explain to him why I stopped but he was hell bent on believing the GP pushed the cessation so as to commence the Zoloft. The 2 were never related & never featured in our conversation other than when GP prescribed Zoloft the week before last & she said are you still taking Endep, I said no, & she said that's good you can't take Endep with Zoloft.

So long story short, I've stopped the Zoloft & started the Endep. Day 3 of no Zoloft, I've just been crying, read something in the news, can't now remember what and cried. The numbness feeling I had with the Zoloft is retreating. I can feel "me" coming back. I'm not sure if I will restart the Zoloft given the experience I had for those 6 days. I know it's hard to calculate given I've endured unbearable pain from this muscle spasm this week, but I was /am able to separate the feelings of pain from the feelings of numbness/irritability the Zoloft caused.

Let's all hope the Endep offers what he says it will, relief from this muscle spasm (hasn't worked so far) and the tremor on this occasion doesn't return. I should explain the tremor. You know when you put jewellery on, you put your necklace /chain on and bring the 2 ends together to open the clasp and join, or sleeper earrings in your ear and bring the ends together to "click" into place - when I try to focus and do those my hands began to shake and for the life of me I couldn't get the clasp to fix. Other little things, holding a fork on the way to my mouth the fork begins to shake. Now back in the 90's when this happened I thought I was getting Parkinson's or the beginning of an "Essential Tremor" I was so worried I asked my specialists and my GP - both of them looked up amytriptaline in the old "mims" book and there it was a known side effect. Stopped the amytriptaline & within weeks voila I could do my jewellery again. I know I did not imagine that, I know it happened & my DB agrees he remembers it as well.

So I'm back to square 1, the tears have returned, I feel my PM doesn't believe me, (it was like he implied the muscle spasm has come about as a direct result of stopping the Endep) and I'm in pain. SNAFU for those of you who don't dnow the term - Situation Normal All F##### Up. I'm going to deal with tears as a part of who I am for now, if it gets to the point like the week before where I need to go to a wellness retreat then so be it. I will just have to find $3k and DB will just have to cope. I'm sorry if I sound petty & mean, I don't mean to.