[NVDoula]

Hi, My name is Amber, and I'm new to these boards. (I'm another former Health Boards Member)
I have dealt with depression/PTSD for over 12 years now, and recently started having some serious anxiety issues. This past year has been extremely difficult...the past five weeks have been the worst, and has sent me into this downward spiral that I just can't seem to get out of. I'm looking for some emotional support to help get through this time, as I'm really struggling to "cope" these days.
I look forward to talking with some of you. Thanks,
Amber

[Kitty]

Hi Amber and welcome to NeuroTalk! So glad to have you here. Have a look around and feel free to join in anywhere you feel comfortable.

[Sannah]

Hi again Amber, will wait for your next post....

[Koala77]

Hi there Amber and welcome from me as well.

I have to assume that it's you and your family in your avatar, and you all look so lovely. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Welcome again. I look forward to getting to know you around the boards.

[NVDoula]

[QUOTE=Koala77;279335]Hi there Amber and welcome from me as well.

I have to assume that it's you and your family in your avatar, and you all look so lovely. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Welcome again. I look forward to getting to know you around the boards.



Thank you all for the welcome. Yes, that is my family...minus one. We lost our five week old daughter a month ago, to SIDS. Her picture is on my file.
I'm really not feeling up to posting much today...but I will get around to introducing myself more later. Thank you again...and from what I've seen, I really like the way these boards are set up. Take care,
Amber

[Twinkletoes]

Hi Amber! Welcome to NeuroTalk!

After reading your post, it's plain to see why you are having such a difficult time. Your little "angel is heaven" is beautiful, as is the rest of your good-looking family.

My suggestion is to visit the "Wonder" threads in the suicide forum. I realize that doesn't sound like it would apply to your situation, but you'll find some really fine and gentle people there. It is a very soothing place to "hang out."

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread45537.html
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread45314.html
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread45177.html

Hugs to you!

[Idealist]

I'm really glad to meet you. But terribly sorry to hear that you are fighting with the beast of depression so much. I can't say that I understand exactly how you feel, because our situations aren't the same. But I've been fighting depression for quite a while now. It comes and it goes, but for the past few months I've been hanging on by my fingernails half the time.

My depression stems from several things. I've had an illness for six years with no diagnosis. My wife has decided she can't handle it any longer, and has been pushing me to leave for the past year. And my only son, who is eighteen, has gotten himself into some stupid but serious problems with the law, and there is a good chance he might spend a few years in prison because of it.

It's been very difficult, and some days it's really hard to get out of bed. I don't mean to sound crazy, but some nights I almost wish I could go to bed and not wake up the next morning. But I'm not a suicidal person. It's just a part of me speaking out it's frustration, I suppose.

Anyway, I didn't write all this stuff to make you feel even worse, or to try and steal your thread. I just want you to know that I do understand what you feel, at least in principle. And I know how bad it hurts. We always try to play it down, because we don't want people to think we're just feeling sorry for ourselves. But the members here know what you are talking about, and they will not treat it lightly.

You do have a beautiful family. I wish you and all of them the very best. Good luck, Amber, and I hope to see you here again soon.

Idealist

[Koala77]

Hello again Amber,

I've been thinking that maybe you might find some solace in our Coping With Grief & Loss Forum. Here's the link to that one : http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum51.html

And...... depending on your religious persuassions, you may also like to visit our Spiritual Support Forum: http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum27.html

[NVDoula]

Thank you all so much for the "Welcome".

Rochelle,
I will check out those threads. This is a battle that I struggle with more than I'd like to admit; especially over the last few weeks.

Idealist....
I'm sorry to hear of all that you have going on. You have an aweful lot on your plate. I'm really sorry to hear about your illness...and your wife's frustration. My husband struggles with me and my "depressive" episodes...it's just hard for him to understand, and therefore, he's not nearly as patient as he would like to be. I think it's hard for those who love us to stand by and not be able to do anything...maybe it's her own frustations on herself that's causing her to push away? Just a thought. I have to say that I don't think your feelings of "not wanting to wake up" are crazy. I have those feelings more often than not these days. This life is damn hard...and when your fighting so many battles, emotionally and physically...it's hard to be enthusiastic about waking up and knowing your going to be fighting to make it through the day again. My husband keeps telling me that he needs me, that my kids need me...so if there's no other reason for me to hold on and keep fighting for...to do it for them. But you know, I get so sick and tired sometimes of holding on for everyone else.

Anyway, currently, I'm going through counseling, and we're going to be starting family counseling in the next week. This year has brought a lot of hardships for our family, but I think Arianna's death has been our breaking point. I am struggling more than I ever have, on so many different levels. I was the one who found her, and started CPR...the visions from that day are there with almost every thought, I feel it with every breath. I struggle with all the whys, the hows, the what ifs. People say that time will help make it easier, but I'm finding that with time...I just miss her more...and the harder it is to make it through the day, the less drive I'm feeling to keep going. Somedays, breathing is all I can manage. There are so many reminders...for instance...tonight, right about now six weeks ago, is the last time I seen her alive. Tomorrow will be six weeks since we found her...Saturdays are always hard. I feel trapped in this never ending nightmare. Other than that, my depression/ptsd history stems from rape/abuse/stalking issues, I've seen murders, my ex boyfriend committed suicide right in front of me, etc. The list goes on. I think there are so many emotions, thoughts, and fears that aren't dealt with...so it continues to snowball. Right now, the rest of those things seem to have been pushed to the back, while my daughters situation has taken presence. And her issue is one that I don't know how to work through. It's just so damn hard!

I've dealt with the depression/ptsd for a long time...but I think this past month, I've hit rock bottom again, and I'm not feeling capable of "picking up the pieces" right now.
Anyway, thanks again for all the welcomes and suggestions, and thanks for listening. I will check out the Wonder threads, and the Grief sections.

[dreambeliever128]

I know exactly where you are coming from. That's what happened to me. I felt like I was in a whirlwind, going round and round and couldn't stop it. Later, I described it as being at the bottom of a dark well and couldn't get out.

Councelling as helped me a lot. I still have rough times due to the loss of my husband and at times I wonder if I will ever get better. I still go down a lot.

When a person is like this, I feel like they do need someone to talk to when they need to. The forum is great for help but to have a person listen to you in your life and know that it won't leave the room and you can tell your deepest, darkest secrets too and they will help give you the knowledge and support to get through them. Some things you can't talk about to your family.

I deal with the PTSD, Major Depression, anxiety and panic attacks, suicidal tendencies and it's a hard road but it's even harder to go it alone.

I hope you do start seeing a Councellor. I was exactly where you are and I would be dead today had it not been for a great one stepping up to the plate and becoming a friend.

Do a lot of praying also. It helps more then anything but I do believe God puts Angels here on earth in the form of people to help us find our way back and deal with things we can't deal with alone.

Ada