Originally Posted by NVDoula

Thank you all so much for the "Welcome".

Rochelle,
I will check out those threads. This is a battle that I struggle with more than I'd like to admit; especially over the last few weeks.

Idealist....
I'm sorry to hear of all that you have going on. You have an aweful lot on your plate. I'm really sorry to hear about your illness...and your wife's frustration. My husband struggles with me and my "depressive" episodes...it's just hard for him to understand, and therefore, he's not nearly as patient as he would like to be. I think it's hard for those who love us to stand by and not be able to do anything...maybe it's her own frustations on herself that's causing her to push away? Just a thought. I have to say that I don't think your feelings of "not wanting to wake up" are crazy. I have those feelings more often than not these days. This life is damn hard...and when your fighting so many battles, emotionally and physically...it's hard to be enthusiastic about waking up and knowing your going to be fighting to make it through the day again. My husband keeps telling me that he needs me, that my kids need me...so if there's no other reason for me to hold on and keep fighting for...to do it for them. But you know, I get so sick and tired sometimes of holding on for everyone else.

Anyway, currently, I'm going through counseling, and we're going to be starting family counseling in the next week. This year has brought a lot of hardships for our family, but I think Arianna's death has been our breaking point. I am struggling more than I ever have, on so many different levels. I was the one who found her, and started CPR...the visions from that day are there with almost every thought, I feel it with every breath. I struggle with all the whys, the hows, the what ifs. People say that time will help make it easier, but I'm finding that with time...I just miss her more...and the harder it is to make it through the day, the less drive I'm feeling to keep going. Somedays, breathing is all I can manage. There are so many reminders...for instance...tonight, right about now six weeks ago, is the last time I seen her alive. Tomorrow will be six weeks since we found her...Saturdays are always hard. I feel trapped in this never ending nightmare. Other than that, my depression/ptsd history stems from rape/abuse/stalking issues, I've seen murders, my ex boyfriend committed suicide right in front of me, etc. The list goes on. I think there are so many emotions, thoughts, and fears that aren't dealt with...so it continues to snowball. Right now, the rest of those things seem to have been pushed to the back, while my daughters situation has taken presence. And her issue is one that I don't know how to work through. It's just so damn hard!

I've dealt with the depression/ptsd for a long time...but I think this past month, I've hit rock bottom again, and I'm not feeling capable of "picking up the pieces" right now.
Anyway, thanks again for all the welcomes and suggestions, and thanks for listening. I will check out the Wonder threads, and the Grief sections.