Namaste,

I was wondering if you had any clue what my brain is up to, or if you have heard of this before.

Since I have started meditating and stopped all other forms of brain modification a few months ago (i.e. drugs, Shakti magnetic stimulation), i have noticed that at least once per day, I have been getting these high pitched (i hear them and feel them) energy surges through my brain. They feel maybe interhemispheric, kind of pleasurable but also a bit scary... Basically they feel like they are dissolving my sense of self. But they usually don't last more than a second or two, and then I am back to normal.

I can't quite find a pattern to the zaps, but in general it seems they rarely happen during or after sit-down meditation, almost like formal meditation releases the energy buildup in a less noticeable way. They are more likely to happen if I have not done formal meditation that day, and if i am reading a spiritually themed book, or if I am at work and trying to do informal meditation while under stress. But mostly they just happen at random.

I have been unable to make them happen in any way on command. If I could do that, I think I would try to sustain the energy surge and see what the ultimate outcome might be, if any.

While the surge is felt, I am still conscious and fully capable, yet I have no desire to do anything except pay attention to the feeling of dissolution, as there is some divine quality to it which somehow I feel I cannot ignore. Luckily, I don't operate heavy machinery; I get the sense that this may be dangerous if it were to hit hard at the wrong moment.

It feels like I am undergoing some process beyond my control, like my life is not mine, perhaps because I have little desire for it to be mine, or perhaps my own desires are no longer important now that the process has begun. But i have no idea what the process needs from me for it's completion. I am not sure if the zapping is a message that I am doing something right, or if it means I need to meditate more, or if it has no message at all except that my concept of self can be taken away at any moment and I should be ok with that.

This could be a brain tumor I guess, but since I don't have health insurance, I will just ignore that possibility.