Hi,

I am afraid I won't make much sense as this as yet undiagnosed brain pressure/seizures/pain are causing my cognitive skills to deteriorate daily...so I apologise in advance.

I suffer with PTSD and was also in a very violent relationship for 5 years where my head was constantly being hit or banged into walls etc...because of the PTSD and MH issues (started at 7 years old) I used to repeatedly bang my head onto anything hard, resulting in black eyes and seizure. So, I do realise this is caused by self induced injury possibly...

But for some reason the symptoms have only shown themselves in the last six months...possibly delayed damage?

I have constant spine pain, muscle, joint, numbness, sporadic paralysis on the right side of my body, I have 'burning brain' which flows to the top of my spine, it used to last seconds but now is there 99% of the time. About six months ago I could feel my brain moving or swelling, I told a mh worker instead of anyone medical because I have found being labelled with mh issues everything seems to be put down to anxiety. So I didn't go to my gp. But then I started to get so many symptoms...too many to list...around 20 or so symptoms.

Apparently I had a seizure two years ago of which I have no recollection. In January this year I was at breaking point and ran into a disused prison metal gate purposely to self injure my head, I didn't realise the damage I was doing...police arrived and I had a seizure whilst with them. Then this Saturday I had three seizures in 15 minutes, was taken to hospital but self discharged after 3 days as the two consultants were arguing over treatment and they abruptly stopped the benzodiazapines I am on and I could not cope mentally.

They have arranged a mri, ct scan, eeg, 24 hour heart monitor and a renal investigation. They said my folic acid and potassium was far too low but they left the cannula when it had dislodged and the potassium wass not going into me, my blood was coming out of my arm and into the tube instead. They then had an argument about that and that is when I self discharged. My gp arranged blood tests the very next day and both renal and potassium were fine??

I have no idea what is going on (apart from if there is brain damage - I caused it, feel so awful) and I do not know what they are looking for...there are so many medics now involved that I am getting such conflicting opinions from them all.

I really thought originally it was Fibromialgia but have been tested and it is not.

I am sorry for the long post...I just wondered if anyone could enlighten me at all? I am meant to be making phone calls but cannot get my words out properly and am failing at so much. My short-term memory is about two seconds long and my personality has changed, I am starting to dislike/like things I didn't and behaving differently. I know this is all my fault, and I have stopped banging my head...I just feel like sitting here and sobbing because everything feels and is so wrong.

I am 38 if that makes any difference.

Thank you if you have got this far into my probably waffly post and again I am sorry that this is possibly self induced, it was just my way of coping, ironically.

Thanks for posting. Even if your post was a little disjointed - which it wasn't - there would be no reason to apologize. We fellow members of the brain boo boo club understand.

Firstly, I hope someone can help you stop feeling guilty about your brain injury. From emergency room stats, we know that abuse by partners is a leading cause of TBI is women.

That violent individual got the ball rolling. That you went on to self-harm was, as you know, a way for you to cope. The beating-induced damage may well have contributed to your adoption of such a self-defeating coping strategy. In short, I hope you find a therapist who can help you restore the self-esteem your evil partner stole from you. You are NOT to blame for your TBI.

The same goes for the MH issues. Pretty much everybody with TBI has some MH issues, like depression, poor impulse control, anxiety, personality change, etc... Don't let doctors dismiss your problems as psychological. Your MH issues are a PRODUCT of your TBI, not its cause. It's an important distinctions, that many doctors like to ignore.

My suggestion would be to have neuro-psych exam. That would document your brain injury, explain how its impacting your daily functioning and help you target physical/cognitive/psychological therapies that might help you recover/adapt.

Please try and find someone to help you cope emotionally. If you aren't sure where to turn, try calling a women's shelter. There are a lot of compassionate people there, with experience assisting women who find themselves in your circumstances. Sadly, your situation is far from unique.

Remember, you have already survived a great deal of adversity. You've obviously got what it takes to deal effectively with your TBI. Try not to be afraid to let people help you.

Hang in there.

Thank you Hockey,

Had my first test today...seemed a bit bizarre as it was renal. The consultant is blaming everything on the tablets I am on...I have been in them four years - Clonazepam and Concerta

I have these tests booked for this month

-Mri
-Eeg
- 24 hour Cardiogram
-Ct (or cat? Scan)

She said I have to choose between staying on tablets and living with symptoms or come off tablets and deal with the PTSD (which include physical flashbacks, horrific) So I feel in a no win situation and that is before they have even done the tests on my brain. I asked her to tell me three times if I should take my tablets on the test days and I still couldn't retain the information. So I have no idea if I should or not.

Everything is worse daily and I cannot cope...I am becoming a burden to my son and family as I just can't think straight or am having flashbacks or seizures. She is writing to my Psych to ask him about the tablets...he has already been asked...and his answer was that it is not them causing all of the symptoms. He is a well sort after Psych and has written many books, surely he would know?

Do they just choose the easiest thing to blame? She said I will get results from all brain tests mid June. And I realise I am SO lucky to have been seen so quickly and for all these to be done within a month but how do I deal with everyday life when I can't do anything that involves my brain or walking because of the pain? I have a 17 year old and a mum who is doing far too much already because I just can't seem to do everyday tasks.

People who know (not many) in my life tell me to get a grip but they don't even know half the story. Sorry I sound sorry for myself and I am sorry if I offended anyone saying I might not make much sense.

If it is the tablets, life will be unbearable, not just for me, and if not will they just choose to blame them anyway?

I know it's not them (we know our own bodies don't we?) as I can feel the swelling at the base of my brain and spine.

It's so ironic as I just felt like coming home and banging my head. So much going on aside from this that I do not know what to do...for my son and family at least. I struggle with the flasbacks (not from violent relationship - years and years befor ethat) as they throw me out od sync for days.

Does anyone find it so hard to explain when they can't feel or see the pain and fear in our heads?

Are people right when they sy I should "get a grip"? If my brain fog/memory issues would go I could. But I have no idea what I am doing half the time.

I feel like ringing my psych as he seems to be the only one that understands but he does so much for me already and I feel such a burden to literally everyone. Even on here...sorry. x