I am going to try not to make this another long post but I am reaching the end of my rope and need some feedback.

I always joked that I suffer from "terminal lack of respect". The truth is that is really IS NOT a joke. I have been in therapy more than 1/2 my life and we can SERIOUSLY trace back to earliest memory where I was disrespected (usually other people's feelings & needs being put before mine). I could write a book on that but I won't.

There is a woman in my 12-step group that has a history of befriending people then suddenly without provocation turning on people. She did this to me. Then like a grade school playground people took sides; some people stayed friends with her others stayed friends with me (yes we are all adults) bottom line was that I was treated really badly by people that were formally my friends because of this womans craziness. There was 1 man who was my friend ONLY when this woman was not around & when she was around he either IGNORED ME or ACTED STUPID showing off for her. It ENDED when BEING STUPID he HIT MY DOG. He later said he was kidding. I let him know it was a FELONY to hit or try to hit a Service Dog & the next time I would call the cops.

I moved 10 months ago I deal with 5 different departments in Social Services. ALL these departments were notified NUMEROUS TIMES of my move starting 3 MONTHS BEFORE the move date. NO ONE CHANGED MY ADDRESS IN THE SYSTEM. This resulted in my loss of food stamps (temporarily) among other things. Even when the ADDRESS CORRECTION was put on the food stamp recertification THEY DID NOT CHANGE IT IN THE SYSTEM. Then they sent me a new benefits card NOT to my last address but THE ADDRESS BEFORE. Now they had returned mail from 2 ADDRESSES. THEY FROZE MY BENEFITS CARD. I had to go to Social Services in person to correct this.

The law says NO ONE CAN REQUIRE SOMEONE TO SHOW PROOF THERE DOG IS A SERVICE DOG. They can ONLY ASK 2 questions:
1) Is the dog necessary for medical or psychiatric reasons
2) What tasks can the dog perform

Well the POLICE work at Social Service in my county. They DEMANDED PROOF for my Service Dog which I DID NOT have with me. She WAS wearing a vest. I stated the law to them & the FACT they COULD NOT by law request proof. Long story short when it was all over I WAS PHYSICALLY ASSAULTED BY 2 POLICE OFFICERS; the DA has the case. After all of this MY ADDRESS STILL WAS NOT CHANGED IN THE SYSTEM.

This is typical of how my life goes...

I have a PCA 49 hours a week. I had 1 woman who worked just on Saturday's but she left when she went full time on her weekday job & Nancy works the other 6 days, 7 hours a day (maximum allowed). Nancy began working for me years ago thru an agency. The agency was not treating either one of right & she was going to QUIT. I then became part of the CDPAP Program which allows me to hire my own PCA's. Nancy quit the agency & works for me thru CDPAP. Over the years Nancy & I became really good friends & my Service Dog adores her. One of things that attracted me to Nancy and made me so willing to hire her in CDPAP Program was she took such good care of me and my space.

Up until 10 months ago when I moved in with my mom Nancy took care of a 1 bedroom apartment. Now she needs to take care of 1 bedroom and anything I use in the "common" areas & OF COURSE "ME". However, Nancy is getting very complacent. She has the same hours and less space to care for (her big job is me & I try to do many things myself) SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING and I FEEL DISRESPECTED BY HER.

I TRY to work with her and NOT overwork her but NOTHING I DO HELPS. I TRIED TALKING TO HER - NO CHANGE. A few weeks ago she had an issue with her daughter in North Carolina. She asked for Friday off but ASSURED ME that she would return on SUNDAY. She called me on Friday, it was late in the afternoon & she was just starting her trip. She still said she would be in on Sunday but would call me on Saturday & let me know for sure. Saturday she DID NOT call. Sunday she DID NOT come to work. She is here EVERY DAY (except Saturday) by 7:30 UNLESS she calls to tell me differently. Monday, 7:30 NO NANCY, 7:45 NO NANCY, 8:00 NO NANCY, she wanders in about 8:20 as though NOTHING IS WRONG. We ended up having a BIG ARGUMENT & SHE LEFT. I sent her an email & said I DID want her to work her but I wanted the "old" Nancy back.

I pointed out how she COMPLAINS because she doesn't like to do laundry, she REFUSES to vacuum because she DOES NOT like the way the vacuum works, she NEVER dusts UNLESS I tell her to. Before her unplanned vacation she DID NOT empty the bathroom garbage for 2 days & she ONLY did it then because I said something.

In regard to the garbage can, I had several dirty diapers (in bags) she didn't empty it by the end of day 2 there was NO MORE ROOM in the garbage can & that is when I said something. She DID empty it but when I told her she said she would do it when she finished her computer game.

On Monday night I had a bed wetting accident & the sheets got wet. She got MAD AT ME because of the mess & having to change the sheets 2x in 1 week. She DID NOT clean the bed sufficently & it still STINKS.

I DO NOT have many outside jackets. Today I was going to wear a jogging suit. I told her the jacket I normally wear could go in the closet. This evening I went in the closet for something & saw the arm of this jacket hanging out of the hamper. I took the jacket out which now was wrinkled & smelled pissy from the other laundry. It was easier to throw it in the hamper than hang it up.

I was so proud of a display of a favorite actor I made on top of a bookcase the other day. The display is now ruined because anything she found that she did not want to put away or did not want to ask me where it went she thru it on top of the display.

I came home about 7 pm this evening (she was gone by this time) & I was tired. I got my coffee & sat down to rest & check email. My Service Dog was crying & just not acting herself. She WAS NOT signaling me as if something was wrong & I DID NOT know what was wrong. Finally I see her favorite toy on top of the radiator, out of her reach, obviously Nancy threw it there.

I use ADAPTIVE UTENSILS, the kind I use are EXPENSIVE & HARD TO OBTAIN. One evening I had ice cream, it was the end of the container so I ate from the container then left the empty container with my adaptive spoon in it on my night stand. NANCY THREW OUT THE CONTAINER AND THE SPOON. Though she says SHE WILL REPLACE IT she wants me to pay for it & she will reimburse me. I DO NOT have the money to lay out.

This is just a SAMPLE of STUPID or INCONSIDERATE THINGS Nancy DOES or DOESN'T DO.

Before I moved in with my mom she & I had a long talk about my need for a PCA. After all this is her home & how would she feel having someone here so many hours a week. My mom knew Nancy & got to know her better before the move & AGREED that it was OK.

Mom THINKS that Nancy & I can work things out but I have TRIED talking to her, I TRIED emailing her & HER DISRESPECT JUST INCREASES DAILY.

Mom is going to be 80 in December she CANNOT provide the kind of care I require 24/7. If I FIRE Nancy I DO NOT know of anyone else PERSONALLY that I can hire thru the CDPAP Program which would mean I would have to go back to using an AGENCY. When you work with an AGENCY you never know who you will get & because the pay IS NOT good you OFTEN DO NOT GET GOOD ONES. (Been there/ done that). Mom IS NOT comfortable having someone that she DOES NOT know coming in her house every day & wants Nancy to stay.

What is happening is that EVERY MORNING I face some DISRESPECT from Nancy that sets my tone for the WHOLE DAY. This morning when she came in I had the 70's Music Channel on TV, Nancy DID NOT like it & OPENLY COMPLAINED. Next thing she is on her computer listening to stuff that has LOUD MUSIC. When I said something she said it sounded better than my (explicative). By the time I went to my van & a construction worker kept getting too close to me with the forklift I OVERREACTED to him because I was so ANGRY at having just put up with Nancy's disrespect.

My point in the earlier part of this post is it seems CONSTANT. If it IS NOT Nancy disrespecting me, it is the overzealous construction worker with the forklift or the police at Social Services or Social Services in General. I feel as though there is something about me that people sort of sense or whatever that says "NO NEED TO RESPECT PEG". As the MS consumes more of my bodily functions I need to rely more & more on others to get my needs met & I ALWAYS hesitate to ask for help because I DON'T WANT TO BE DISRESPECTED. Even when I asked the MS Society to find out about a Support Group for me they procrastinated so long that 3 weeks into the 8 week group they said "oh yeah you can join" @ that point - why bother?

My entire life I NEVER had a best friend or many friends for that matter. Part of this was because of my home life but what always seemed to happen is I would fall into a group of established friends & they would accept me more as a pet than a peer.

I am going to 49 years old next month. I am tired of being disrespected & treated badly by people. As long as I could manage independently despite the MS I could avoid asking for help but it is to the point I cannot do that anymore.

I guess I am just tired. It has been a long day. Starting with Nancy then when I came home I had a letter waiting for me from the condo board admonishing me for yelling @ their construction worker. He drove right on top of me while I was putting the dog in the car then when I said something he asked me if I had tourettes or something.

I DON'T KNOW. Can lack of respect be terminal? If it can I am reaching my final days. I have been crying for hours because I have just had enough.

Sorry for rambling but maybe someone can share their experiences or tell me what I am doing wrong in life.

Hi Peg,

I will admit right up front I did not read your entire post in depth, skimming different areas. I am not one who is prone to sharing warm and fuzzies and tend to share with people what they should hear vs. what they want to hear. Should I offend you, simply blow me off in a response.

From what I have read it appears one is allowing too many outside circumstances and people determine ones daily life. To change the "outside" one must first look inside and change from "within." To be respected one must position oneself from a posture of demanding and deserving respect, first.

The key is simple but not easy, especially in this case. One must first take full responsibility for one's own life. That is a primary principal of life and relationships. Noting all of the situations and their results listed in the original post begs the question, who was at the scene of every crime? That is where the work needs to begin.

There is no reason to put up with the "Nancy" situation based on your description of the interaction. Dump her and there are plenty of other resources available, but one has to seek them out. Nothing will magically appear to solve your challenges because no one else cares especially if they are not aware. They all have their own challenges which takes precedence. Thus, one taking responsibility for their own situations will receive the resources and assistance they request.

So as not to think I have no idea of what I speak, I have been battling major neurological symptoms for over 10 years, misdiagnosed several times, countless 2nd and 3rd opinions, too many med tests and scans, finally receiving a terminal diagnosis with a progressive neurological degenerative brain disease with no treatment or cure.

Actually, nothing in the above paragraph has any relationship to your challenges. One must take make a conscious decision to take full personal responsibility, followed by immediate and positive action toward your goal of what and who one desires to be. I've been there, done that, have the t-shirt and video.

Time for you to make a decision and take action.

first, Hugs! ok one more

As far as your service animal in new york you ARE expected to provide documentation ONCE to obtain a special tag for its collar.

Service Dogs
All dogs, including service dogs are required to purchase a standard NYC Dog License and to renew annually. Owners of service dogs may request, free of charge, a separate Service Dog Tag. An applicant will be required to submit a written statement from a trainer, whose education, experience and training are acceptable to the Department, stating that such dog has been specifically trained to perform a task or tasks for the person applying for the tag. All documentation submitted for a Service Dog Tag must be verified and approved by the Dog Licensing Unit.

The Americans With Disabilities Act defines service animals as such; "Service animals are animals that are individually trained to perform tasks for people with disabilities – such as guiding people who are blind, alerting people who are deaf, pulling wheelchairs, alerting and protecting a person who is having a seizure, or performing other special tasks. Service animals are working animals, not pets."

Please call the dog license place and ask how to get your own tag. All states have different requirements on dogs, and all places within the state have their own rules. Like...Columbia university says that an animal will be allowed without question, but Kennedy airport requires proof from a licensed MD that the dog is a requirement for you. Its always best to have that license in place. You get it at the exact same spot you get the regular doggie license, which IS a requirement by law in New York state. I am sorry that the cops took it so far, and I hope you have retained a lawyer.

As for your 12 step group, please remember most of these folks are wounded, struggling, and come from a place of not being able to make great decisions for themselves without struggle, turmoil and assistance. Continue to be your same sweet self, and in the end, the other ugly personality will shine thru and others will continue to see the same sweet side to you. NO ONE has permission to touch your animal. not to pet him, or strike him. Good for you to protect him.

As for your helper at home, its time for a sit down chat. PLEASE be calm. Make a list of things you expect. Tell her how much she has meant to you in the past and how her help has been so valueable to you, BUT in recent days since your move to moms place, you have noticed a shift in her actions, behaviors, and attitude and this must change. you cannot and will not have this type of behaviors in your home. Since you are paying her to WORK, she should NEVER be playing games on your time. unless its to keep you company. She should not be checking her email, or taking personal phone calls. If she is due at 8am, then at 8:15 she is considered absent for the day, unless she calls to explain why she is running late BEFORE 8:15. A continuous line of excuses will not be accepted. You need to become her employer, NOT her friend. yes, its wonderful to have a friend, but you dont need more friends, you do need a helper. It doesnt matter what tasks you are asking her to do for household help, she is there to WORK, not play. If she has a problem, or has become abusive then she needs to be dismissed, and reported. It appears as tho you have tried hard to be her friend, and well...that isnt working very well. You can be friendly without becoming dependant on that person for your friendships. If it were me, I would dimiss her and ask the social services office for a new girl. You may have to wait a week or so while they hire someone, but I would never allow an abusive person in my home.

Call the social security places and ask for assistance. They usually can help you over the phone. They will provide a counselor to go over your records, and your needs to make sure they are being provided. Have them clear the old addresses from the system and place the new ones in it. Call your MD and get that paper to be able to claim "service animal" status for your doggie.

Take a breath. Tell yourself you ARE a good person. The behavior of others is NOT a reflection on you. its a reflection on THEM. No one can make you feel badly unless you allow them to. Find new circles to make friends. Churches, libraries, town gatherings, support meetings for MS or other diseases. Hang in there.

WOW Dejibo! Your response sounded so much better than mine. I must be in one of "those moods" today. Excellent job in addressing Peg's needs. Maybe she will just skip over mine and won't see it........It could happen!

Thanks Craig. It took years of practice before I reached a place of better self esteem. you cannot prevent or stop what others thing or say, but you can control how you react to it and take care of it. With practice it becomes easier.

OMG! I literally preach that aspect of life everyday. You have the responsibility to have response - ability, to react or respond to any given situation. The choice is always yours. Don't give permission for others to make you a victim.

Hi Peg. Anything I could add to Craig's and Dej's advise, would only be either redundant or innane.

I do want you to know that I understand your pain and support you in whatever and however you choose to better your life and situation.

I pray things improve and stabalize for you, so that you can enjoy your life a bit more.

Good Wishes

I read all of your posts but yesterday WAS NOT the day for me to try to respond. I was busy having a TOTAL MELTDOWN.

I understand that all of mean well by your posts but there are times in our lives when our lives are not our own.

Take Nancy for instance. Sure I CAN FIRE NANCY - NO PROBLEM. But the reality is that given the extent of my disability I NEED HELP. Again because of the MS I live with my mom. I DO NOT have total say over who can and cannot come in this house - mom has the final word. So as I told Nancy my mom & I both WANT NANCY TO WORK HERE but mom will take ANY NANCY I want the NANCY that I hired years ago. The NANCY I have now is LAZY & UNCARING. Mom DOES NOT want some stranger from an agency to work here. She basically laid it out as "it's Nancy or no one" & if it is no one then I would have to go into a nursing home because my mom @ 80 years old cannot provide the care I need.

There are just so many things that I feel I know longer have control of (not just bodily parts) because of the progressive MS & when other obstacles are put in place it just compounds everything.

Take Friday... after doing battle with Nancy for 2 hours I HAD TO GET TO A 12 STEP MEETING. I am TRYING to leave & mom comes home & wants to help me organize my room she gets mad because I INSIST on going to a meeting.

I decide I will leave early run an errand & get some lunch; the meeting is @ 1 pm. I go to leave my condo & do to construction (that is now in its 8th year) I CANNOT get out the door because of construction tape. I break the construction tape & make my way to the van. They are supposed to be working on the sidewalks but for some unknown reason they are jackhammering in the parking lot BEHIND MY VAN I CANNOT GET OUT. The DO NOT want to move other construction vehicles so I CAN get out. I get a security guard & FINALLY get out of the condo. Where I live there is really only 1 parkway & one way off that part of Long Island. If you DO NOT get on the Loop Parkway you need to travel all across the island thru the streets to the next parkway. Some brain surgeon decided that they are going to close the Loop Parkway for 5 days for road work which means a much longer trip. But after leaving the condo I got gas & was told that the Loop Parkway WAS OPEN. I get on the approach to the Loop Parkway drive a couple mile THEN IT IS CLOSED & I am forced to turn around. The meeting I was going to is 20 minutes away by Parkway. Because of the Loop Parkway being CLOSED the trip took me 1 1/2 HOURS! I am a few minutes late for the meeting & get there just in time to hear the speaker talking about peoples purpose in life.

I finally get a chance to share & I say that I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE. Every day is just more physical & emotional pain & I get ABSOLUTELY NO PLEASURE OUT OF LIFE. I continue to say how I feel I go thru life with a "KICK ME" sign on my back because EVERYONE seems to thing they have the right & need to disrespect me. While I am speaking a man sitting to me starts speaking to the group about his MS. Now one of the 1st things one learns in 12 steps programs is 1 person speaks @ a time & no cross talk. I told this man to shut up. I then said that was a perfect example I never met the man before but he felt what he had to say was more important than what I had to say.

The ride home from the meeting took OVER 2 HOURS & when I got home there was ANOTHER LETTER from the building manager (the 2nd in 2 days) about my harrassing the construction men. The 1st day someone tried to run me over with a forklift because I DID NOT move fast enough & the second (Friday) I could not get my van out without getting security. At that point I vowed to just stay in my room. At least if I stay in my room it kind of limits the number of people who can disrespect me.

I called on Saturday morning to cancel my standing appointment with my psychologist. He INSISTED that I come in, RELUCTANTLY I WENT. A 40 minute drive each way took OVER 2 HOURS each way because of the LOOP PARKWAY BEING CLOSED.

The point of all of this is I have so many OBSTACLES in my path because of the MS then when I have an uncooperative PCA, endless construction at the condo & highways being closed it is all too much & NONE of these things are within my power to control.

The day I was born my biological mother made a decision NOT to keep me. She was going to abandon me in the hospital but at the last minute her sister took me & I was later adopted by her. (Don't applaud - it was a nightmare childhood). But since DAY 1 I have SUFFERED, STRUGGLED & BEEN ABANDONED.

Yesterday my psychologist read my the Long Version of the Serenity Prayer which he thought was wonderful. When he finished he asked me what I thought. I told him there were so many references to God & Jesus (I think the psychologist is very religious based on many things) that as far as I was concerned it was all b***s**t. The man looked like he had been hit by a brick as I went on to explain that as far as I am concerned THERE IS NO GOD; if there were a god then I would not have suffered for almost 49 years. I concluded a long time ago that if there were a god my "suffering account" would have been marked PAID IN FULL a long time ago. But each day, each month, each year brings more physical & emotional pain, loses & disrespect so OBVIOUSLY THERE IS NOT GOD.

I am tired. I have been struggling for almost 49 years (I will be 49 next month). I can't do it anymore. As I told my mom I have said for YEARS that I suffer from TERMINAL DISRESPECT & I am now reaching the final days of this terminal illness.

I DID NOT know who my bio mom was until I was 18 but she knew who I was all the while I was growing up & she took EVERY OPPORTUNITY to be mean & degrading to me. If my own "mother" could not love & respect me how can I expect anyone else to?

Lastly just a quick note to poster about Service Dogs. It IS TRUE what you say about NEW YORK LAW but the Federal Law is different. The ADA makes it clear that when the ADA & state laws are in conflict the FEDERAL ADA takes precedent.

I have been ignored & dismissed from other support places for my seemingly negative outlook on life (sorry but what is - is) so if you want me to leave I understand.

Is there anything we could say or do to help you deal?

(((((((Peg))))))

Hi Peg,

Ask you to leave? I seriously don't think so as that would be totally against why this forum even exist. I know I'm not alone in saying you have a very complex situation that is far beyond our capabilities to really provide assistance. However, we still can support you as human beings.

It's obvious by the length and detail of your posts you have very few outlets for your emotions. So if you write long post, well then, we just take more time to read them. Big deal!

I would suggest you also get involved with the Depression forum, and the General Mental Health & Emotional Support forums. This will provide additional outlets, different insights from other people, and additional support.

Finally, personally being a student of personal development and self-improvement you need to seriously consider changing your attitude and resulting actions toward people, FIRST. Why? You have become a self fulfilling prophecy in your own life based on your expectations of other people and victimized mentality. In essence, no one can make you feel inferior or disrespected without your permission.

I would seriously suggest three immediate actions.

1) Start reading positive books such as, "The Difference Maker," by John C. Maxwell; "Attitude is Everything," by Keith Harrell; "Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude," by Napoleon Hill and W. Clement Stone; "The Success Principles," by Jack Canfield.

2) Initiate a total negative environment house cleaning by intentionally removing toxic people, watching negative news on TV, expecting the worst of every situation, look for the best, and make a conscious effort to recognize when you are experiencing negative thoughts, reactions, and act just the opposite.

3) Smile as often as you can at yourself in the mirror, to other people, and no matter what the situation. Just Smile!

"YOU" have total and absolute power over your own thoughts and creating your own attitude. To not do any of the above for any reason indicates you love being miserable and are not willing to change for your own good. I read a constant theme of blaming every thing and every body else in your lengthy posts. But, ask yourself this one question, "Who is present at the scene of each and every crime in your life?" You will then have your answer.

This is nothing more than making a "choice," followed by a solid "decision" and positive "action." The choice is yours. Choose wisely.