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11-04-2010, 04:53 AM
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Junior Member
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I recently sent out an email to close contacts that was titled "NOTICE OF REFUSAL TO ACCEPT DELIVERY".
Essentially what it said is that each year on November 30 I am delivered a birthday; I don't ask for it, it just comes. This is followed by the equally auspicious holidays of Chanukah/ Christmas & New Years but this year I AM REFUSING DELIVERY. Why you ask? Birthday's have not been happy for me since I was a child; back when I was naive & did not know who my birth parents were or that my biological mom was the aunt who was the cruelest & meanest person on earth to me from earliest memory. Back when I still believed that my "dad" (bio) was going to ride in like a knight on a white horse & rescue me from the insanity that had become my life. Back before I knew that my bio dad died before I was born & did not even know there would be a me. Back before I was "attacked" yearly by my "siblings" (I use that term lightly) for screwing up everyone's life both by being born & coming forward with who my parents were. Back before I had MS & when I still had friends, real friends I could count on, back when I had a job (yes I had a job started working at age 11) & a future to look forward to. Last year on my birthday I was reminded by 5 of my 6 siblings how their lives got screwed up because of me. And when my bio mom who was not a facebook friend read there that I was moving. On my birthday she sent me an email with no Happy Birthday, no greeting at all in fact, it simply stated "heard on FB you were moving - send new address & phone" she did not even put her name to it. It was bad enough all the other years that she did not send a card or if she was visiting my mom say "when I get my check I'll get you something for your birthday" & never did. I am going to be 49 this year & I am having a really hard time with my aging. The one sibling that did not attack me had passed on. I saw him once in 25 years & though our visit went well I never spoke to him again. He had stage 4 colon cancer & though I knew it would be our last visit because he lived out of state we "promised' to stay in touch. When I sent a Chanukah card to my paternal aunt (though I no longer celebrated religious holidays) I said something to the affect that Harry looked well despite the cancer & massive chemo. Little did I know Harry & my sister Anne were not going to tell Millie that Harry had cancer. Well Anne is the type that can say the tree outside her house has purple branches & grows sneakers & everyone would believe her especially since I have always been the scapegoat. Harry fell into Anne's tales of how she told me to keep things from Millie though she never did. In fact she was present during my visit with Harry (there was a party) & we did not say 2 words to each other the whole day. Harry died 5 months later & I was not even informed I found out thru FB & Harry never spoke to me again. Anne did get in touch with me after that but only to tell me that she would do everything in her power to be sure I never saw Harry's 5 year old son, River again & to date she has kept this promise. I spent a good number of years trying to create the Walton's out of the Muensters & after last birthday's tirade I knew that either I had to "divorce" this bunch or go INSANE. This placed mom in an awkward position during the holidays last year as she was going to invite Anne & bio mom to stay for a week or 2 (they live in PA). I had NO PROBLEM with them coming but made it clear that I WOULD NOT come to her house (this was before I moved in) when they were here. Mom diinvited them of course blaming me which led to another barrage of email & FB attacks until I blocked them all. Now as I approach 49 & mom will be 80 on December 9, the reality of what has become my life is really starting to hit me. My paternal aunt no longer speaks to me because of my "slip up" & the only other family besides my mom is her youngest sister, Harriet. Harriet is mildly retarded & lives in supported housing in Brooklyn, we have never been close. When mom passes & her health has not been good I am going to be TOTALLY ALONE. I DO NOT know if arrangements can be made for me to get help so I can remain in the condo or if I will have to go to a nursing home. What will become of me? And what will become of my beloved dog Esperanza? When I turned 40 I was still working (had to stop just a few months later). I was a supervisor with a really good job & though I DID NOT have close friends I had a lot of friends. I went all out for my 40th birthday. I rented a hall & had a catered affair for more than 100 people, I always joked "this is nothing wait until you see 50". One of the 12 step groups I use to attend the building owners rent their hall out on weekends; I use to talk to the secretary all the time - she loved Esperanza. I had told her about my 40th bithday when she was making plans for hers. I also told her about the comment I made about my 50th. She recently left a message for me asking if I still wanted the hall & to book early. I DID NOT call her back. Because the reality is that today I DO NOT have 5 friends or "aquaintances" let alone enough to fill a hall. I get so little pleasure out of life; the only thing I really enjoy is my computer, my dog & my soaps. I have had numerous, numerous problems with my laptop & it is not yet a year old. I also had numerous problems with several printers (all HP Products). I have been trying to get my non profit EsperanzaEnterprises on its feet & having more people tell me why it won't work than encouraging me to make it work (I have not had a real purpose in life since I retired & I was really passionate about this). Today the laptop "swallowed" several files. Not just on the main computer but the back up drive as well (I have a Passport external drive); a lot of stuff could be recovered from one drive or the other but on both the main computer & the back up drive I lost the EsperanzaEnterprises file. This was close to a years worth of work. It would take countless hours, weeks, months to rebuild & while I can overcome the naysayers who expect me to fail my heart is not into rebuilding my work because the computer is so screwed up. I counted today between 3 pm & 8 pm I was kicked off the Internet 25 times; Word shut down for no reason 5 times & 3 times the entire computer shut down. This is not mentioning that many of the features in the programs don't work & a mysterious crack that developed in the screen now encompasses the whole left side & has left a huge black blob. Every time I go in my closet I see on the shelf a 2 week old $300 laser printer that does not work .HP just replaced it when it went down again. This was about the 5th of 6th HP printer in 8 months. I NEED THAT MONEY BAD. But the computer is just the tip of a VERY LARGE ICEBURG. It is just that I feel as though ANYTHING that gives me pleasure in life is taken from me. I DID NOT go to college after HS but went back years later when I was DX with MS I was going to make something of myself. In reality I spent more time earning my degrees than I did working because of the MS. My best friend of 20+ years died almost 4 years ago suddenly & unexpectedly of lupus complications; she was not much older than me but somehow Sandra always had a way of making me feel things were going to be ok even when I thought quite the opposite. As my birthday approaches I am missing Sandra a lot more. There have been other relationship loses in the last year & .... well it has not been a good year at all. I feel like a mountain climber, I climb & climb to reach the summit & just when I am about to pull myself up someone pushes me off & I have to start all over again. I am too tired & too old to keep climbing. I have struggled in one way or another since the day I was born & it is ENOUGH. That is what led to my conclusion that there is no god; because if there were then my "SUFFERING ACCOUNT" would have been marked PAID IN FULL a long time ago. There are so many places I have not been in my life & so many things that I have not done & the reality is leaving Long Island to go to Queens is a big excursion for me given my physical limitations & lack of funds. When do I get a break? I just SOMETHING , ANYTHING good to happen in my life. SOMETHING, ANYTHING good to look foward to. "due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off"
__________________
"OUR LIVES BEGIN TO END, THE DAY WE BECOME SILENT ABOUT THINGS THAT MATTER" |
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