Things have been so intensely crazy.

I feel like this is a test.. whether or not I can keep my composure or crash and let this disease take over.

I definitely don't want that but dealing with this horrific loss is really far too much for A HEALTHY PERSON to handle.

My right eye muscle has been having such intense spasms that my boyfriend can see it and gets him all teary eyed.

Life lessons suck hard sometimes...


I have not received any IVSM, but can tell I need it, bad. Definitely will need it after the services tomorrow and wednesday, but I have no doc to prescribe it for me.

Here's what the MRI reading says... I almost don't want to see the MRI photocopies because I think it will just sadden my heart furthermore...


Findings in Brain: There are multiple cerebellar, pervnticular and subcortical white matter T2/FLAIR hyperintensities indicating demyelinating disease consistant with given history of MS. There has been progression of disease since prior exam. T2/Flair signal abnormalities also noted in the middle cerbral peduncle bilaterally. There are 2 small adjacent enhancing plaques in the right cerebellum seen on series 11 images 63 indicating active demyelination. There is a small subcortical enhancing plaque in the left parietal lobe indicating active disease.

IMPRESSION: 1. Findings consistant with active inflammatory demyelination within the right cerebellum and subcortical left parietal lobe as described.

2. Findinggs of progression of both supra and infratentorial demyelination.

Cervical Spine: There are multiple foci at multiple levels within the cervical spinal cord with abnormal T2 hyperintensities typical for demyelinating disease/ ms. In the posterior aspect of the spinal cord at the level of C4 there is a 3 mm area of enhancement indicating inflammatory demyelinating plaque. Ossesous structures are normal allignment and normal in signal characteristics. There is no central canal or nueral foraminal stenosis.

Thoracic Spine: At level of the T4 and T6 vertebral bodies within the spinal cord there is increased T2 signal intesity typical for demyelination/ms. There is no associated enhancement.

IMPRESSION: Multiple areas of demyelination within the cervical and thoracic spine. At the level of C4 vertebral body there is a small focal area of enhacenement within the spinal cord consistant with active inflammatory demyelination.

Something tells me this chicks got MS...

The symptoms I am currently dealing with are these rushes in my head that go through my body, my leg muscles tighten up, I cripple over, can barely take a step, balance goes out the window, speech will worsen, I'll deal with that for about 1-2 minutes then it passes. This happens prolly 50-100 times a day. My motor skills go out thewindow when these episodes happen. It's quite a horrible feeling.

If I bend my head forward I get this weird vibration Prolly where my c4 is. Its inbetween my shoulders and shocks all the way down my spine. My fingers have been numb for about 2 years now..

After typing out my MRI I am really realizing my body is not in good shape, no wonder my insides feel so aged. I wonder what it's like to feel like a healthy 25 year old.

I wish I would have enjoyed more of my youth. and done more of the things I cannot do anymore. I have a feeling if I don't do something that will really help slow this disease down that I will be in POOOOOR shape by the time I hit 30.


Again I am so grateful for all of you and all the help you have provided me in the past 4 years. you're a great family to have that's for sure