So, posting on another thread got me to thinking about a conversation I had with DH the other day. Of all the diseases for me to get, THIS would be the one.

The things I have always had a hard time with:

Poor planning, unplanned things.
Not being in control, having to rely on others.
Trust
Faith
Hope
MRIs

So, I get stuck with a disease where planning has now taken on a new meaning. I have to plan with conditions. There will come times where I can't follow through on plans. I feel like I will let others down. I have always been one you can count on.

Control... I dun did kiss that goodbye for the most part. I will control what I can when I can but realize I have to start giving some up sometimes.

I have to start relying on others to be there for me. I have to trust that they will be there. I am the caregiver, always have been. Heck, when I was in junior high, I was my friends therapist... They would call me all hours of the night if something was wrong. That is why I became a nurse. It scares me that when the time comes I may not be able to take care of my mom if needed. No one else in my family will.

Also, you can't rely on anything BUT hope and faith for this disease!! I mean, I am a Christian, but have still had trouble with hope and Faith, even though they are the biggest things in my "Faith," I have still always had trouble with them.

MRIs SUCK!!!! I am so claustrophobic. This last one, they gave me ativan for. I put on my big girl panties and was going to try it by myself, UNTIL they said I had to have the shield on my head... Oh heck no. I almost went into a panic attack right there, and I am not a panicky person. She told me to take the ativan THEN!! LOL

I guess we do have our paths mapped out for us. I guess bad things happen that enhance our learning experiences and, well, to some point our lives. We have to take the good with the bad, and use the bad as a growing experience.

When I am dun growing, will this be over?

Well, I had all but convinced myself I had a brain tumor before I got my dx of Multiple Sclerosis so......MS was my disease of "choice".

There is always something worse.......

"...MS WAS MY DISEASE OF CHOICE..." Boy, oh boy, I didn't even realize until now, how I was also able to talk myself into being okay with MS, as my disease of choice... I can so relate!!! That is just too true to NOT be funny!

I know...it sounds crazy but when you have researched your symptoms and it all points to a brain tumor you're thankful for anything BUT that dx!!

I hear you regarding this. I'm slightly claustophobic and the MRI drives me batty. I've had a few of them take longer due to panic attacks.

I will say I've been learning more about myself lately due to this. Strange classroom, this MS.

Hang in there!

LMAO - sorry, I have strange sense of humor and when I read the some of your post it just made me laugh

Trouble planning, unplannned things and not being in control - MS kinda throws alot of things out the window. Control what you can and the rest, go with the flow. Pick and choose what's really important to you and leave the rest if your not up to it.

Trust - There are very few people I trust anymore.

Faith - *sigh* this disease never really brought up faith or spirituality for me. Although when my current neuro saw my cervical spine MRI he looked and acted a little freaked out when he realized I am still walking unaided. I realized a long ago the c-spine lesion are not good but his reaction made a large impact on me. As I was driving home the only thing that played over and over in my mind was - but for the Grace of God with tears rolling down my eyes - not the best thing when driving

Hope - for the most part I have hope. Hope for a cure of this disease so my children or their children do not have to experience what this disease can do. And, I hope to live my life with dignity inspite of this disease.

MRIs - I have almost fallen asleep during them

I do believe our paths are mapped you but I also believe we have choices along the way that can change the outcome of our paths - good or bad but I am not impying we can change what happens to us medically. My life could have gone so many different ways. I have actually had a few friends and a therapist who were shocked my life has turned out as it has. I have no explanation other than guidance by a higher power.

Your posts say alot about you as a person and I think your going to do okay in you ability to deal with this disease. I suspect, in time, you will be one of those who offers support to others with MS.

Kitty: I hope I didn't come across as complaining!!! I am grateful things were not worse, are not worse. I realize everyday this just makes me grateful for life, cause there are those who get in an accident and become an invalid without the forthought or planning for it. Heck it can still happen to any of us. I didn't think I had anything wrong, so my choice was just that... nothing. I was SHOCKED when "The mri was normal" did not come from my neuro's mouth. I am sure, had I been in your position, I would have breathed a HUGE sigh of relief.

I was just saying, I can't believe it was this... that makes me face all the things I hate!! Kinda the way Snoopy took it!

A friend gave me a card after I told her about this. On the outside, it shows a cat throwing its head in the air, seemingly laughing, saying, "Stupid dog fell in the toilet. Bwahahahaha!!!" On the inside it says, "Take comfort that someone is having a worse day than you." It cracked me up. Kinda like figuring out this disease is making me face the things I hate.

FinLady: There was about 4 times I almost hit that panic button. I just took a few deep breaths and was able to make it through. One time I panicked is when everything went quiet. I thought, "OMG, I am STUCK IN HERE and THEY WENT TO LUNCH!!!!" LOL, like that would actually happen, but it was still a thought I had. Just about the time I talked myself into screaming, the MRI started making the noises again!!!

Snoopy!! I think you are right. Once again, I will turn this into a caretaking ability. I swear, I am not living if I am not helping someone. So, why have you lst trust in people. Have you found they have not been there for you? Ack, I hope that is not the case. I don't have many friends I do trust. If I lose them, I won't have anyone...LOL

Have a great day everyone!

Why have I lost trust? It's really not about losing it but about self-preservation. I am very upfront with the fact - I have PTSD triggered by a doctor in Dec. 2003 but complicated with a very dysfunctional childhood - And life goes on

I started getting involved with MS forums in Dec. 2004. I felt I might be able to help others with MS and I needed something to take the focus off the PTSD and everything surrounding it. Trying to help others did that for me.

And, it sounds like helping others might be how you help yourself

I can't imagine you losing your friends, they are lucky to have someone so caring in their life.

Sorry about the PTSD issues. I guess my life, in general has been pretty calm, which is why this is a bigger deal to me than others I suppose!! When you deal with other things, this seems minute in comparison!! Glad you have found your nitch to helping you feel better!

After reading your post and subsequent replies, I am convinced that you are going to do just fine. You have questioned the same things that many of us have questioned, and you are pressing onward. That takes courage and skill that you may not even realize that you have.

Something tells me that you are going to acclimate well and thrive.

-Vic