[pud's friend]

Hi, sorry , this might end up being a bit of a ramble but I don't know who else to ask.
It's been 5 months since my dx and every other day I think of another reason why I shouldn't stick a needle into myself, though I always go through with it. I'm thinking there's actually nothing wrong with me???? am I back to how I was before??? on a good day, yes I am.

Then I get a 'bad' day. What makes it a bad day?? what's the difference? why can't i dig the garden, ride the horse, run, stay up late, remember things, think, concentrate, walk for long, be happy....

Why am I slower? why does my leg twitch? why does my side 'pull'? why do i see 4 horses when i know i only have 2? why is my leg aching so much i want to thump it? why does my ear itch???

Or am I just giving into this crap? am I being a drama queen? when i don't go to work cos i know i can't walk the distance or stay on my feet for 8 hours am i just pretending? kidding myself? giving in?
Is this the excuse i've wanted not to work? or am i seeking permission to be sick? from who?

and the future terrifies me. i read the newsletter thread and the fact that blah blah percent of rrms turn into secondary in 10 years. well that sucks!!

I'm scared. i'm twitchy and i don't know why. i'm feeling thick. there's not much going on in my head. and i can't remember stuff.

WHY???? what makes one day ok and the next shocking??? what happens if i stop the Beta??
Stop the ride; i want to get off.

sorry. i'm not sure what i'm asking from you. i'm frustrated. and probably bored.

(My business plan is full steam ahead by the way; going well)