I am sitting here at my desk in a small cubicle and I realized that my life will never belong to me. Here is a little background. I have recently be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I am an American of Mexican decent but I was adopted at the age of 4 into an completely Caucasian family which none of my other siblings are adopted. I come from a very well to do family with members who have made hundreds of millions of dollars just to give you a reference. I am the youngest of four children and all my other siblings are women. I have an over bearing mother (who doesn't) and a father who is somewhat emotionally detached all together to men, but he loves women. I have attended some of the finest schools, most of which I was dismissed from due to my BPD. At the time I was not aware of my condition but needless to say I knew something was wrong. My parent consider me a failure in life even though I have never really failed at anything. I was always popular, a star athlete and I have left a string of detached relationships behind me.

Now back to present day. I currently work for my fathers' company and have been for nearly 3 years. I have not moved up much nor have I been offered the opportunity. Just recently I was offered the highest position a sales person could get, sales manager, but after my sister got divorce to her very wealthy husband she came back to work for my father and took my position. She is the golden child in the family so she feels entitled to do as she pleases. So now I am left with nothing but the idea that not much is going to change for me. I forgot to mention I was married now for almost two years. I married out of college and we have no children. I love my wife and would do anything for her.

But right now, this very moment in my life, I am so lost inside that its getting harder and harder to keep face. Everyone expects so much from me that I continue to act out a life that I don't really think is mine. All of my friends expect me to be successful, my family demands it of me, and my wife just wants me to be happy. Some might say I am one of those highly productive BPD's but I am not. I have just learned to keep everything inside so that it kills me slowly from the inside out. I can't handle it anymore. i just want to leave and get out of this place and the sad thing is that I don't care if I leave everyone behind, EVERYONE. I don't need them. I just need me to be happy. I have lived my entire life for someone else and here I am fighting against BPD by myself because everyone looks at me like I am trying to find an accuse for my failures and mistakes. I hate my family! And then moments later I will love my family. I don't have a family, they are not my blood, so who am I? I know my biological family, but they can't do anything for me. I feel responsible for them because they are not wealthy at all. Everyone carries burdens on their shoulders, but I have to carry mine with a ball and chain locked to my ankles. It's not fair and I just want to give it all up and disappear.

It sound like you can choose to be whatever you want. You can choose a great life, or a poor one. The choice is yours. Which one do you want?

Sounds like a very complex position you are in. But I can tell you, it doesn't take BPD to mess your head up that way. It can happen to anyone, although I imagine your condition certainly doesn't help.

I worked for my father for fifteen years doing a job I hated, never getting promoted or recognized. Even after a decade on the job, he would hire new people and pay them just as much as he paid me. But I stayed because I felt guilty. Everytime I would talk about doing something else, my dad would tell me that if I left, he would have to lock the doors and go out of business. (Ours was a small family enterprise)

In the end it didn't help him or me. It just caused a whole lot of suffering for me. I won't comment on what you said about leaving EVERYONE behind, because I honestly believe in keeping certain commitments. But it's really none of my business in your case. I do believe that you should think really hard about where you are right now, where you'll likely be in a few years if you follow your current path, and what other paths you can follow if you want to get off the one you are now on. Whew! That sounds complicated.

It's your life, but you have to take control of it by and for yourself. Don't wait forever. I wish you the best of luck in whatever it is you decide to do.

Sounds like you having a pretty hard time. But keep those shoulders strong and hold on to your wife.

You say that you have been married for two years and your wife wants you just to be happy. That is wonderful. When my husband I married we moved away because others saw that we were have hard times,not as hard as you, but sad. That move was the best thing we did. And I am happy to say we have been married for 34 years. We both feel that because we had to rely on each other so much it brought us closer together. We always were there for each other.

After my husband finished college we moved closer to our families yet far enough a way to have peace. Believe me we both love our families but that was the best thing we could do. Also when we moved closer there was so mor respect toward us. We have also told our kids to move away from us in order to rely on each other, and one listened.

I hope I have helped you some. May God be with you both.

Darlene