[jmurray]

Hello all, thanks for putting together and being part of this awesome website! I don't think I have any "official" health problems, mental or physical, but I do have a lot of things I'm working on and have found myself stuck in a rut for awhile. So I'm here to see if I can find support and insight in this community!

I'm 28 years old, beginning a career as a lawyer, married, no kids (recently miscarried our first pregnancy, which was a big-time downer for us), middle-class family background with 2 divorces while I was growing up. I've never been diagnosed with any mental health disorders, and I'm generally a very high-functioning person, but I do have low-grade symptoms associated with a few different disorders. I've struggled intermittently with moderate anxiety -- especially performance-based anxiety -- and I experience moderately strong mood swings, sometimes feeling totally euphoric about life and its limitless exciting possibilities, whereas other times I feel really down in the dumps and I'm unable to see the point of the whole thing. My down times are never debilitating and never reach the point of suicidal ideation. But they are deeply discouraging, and they drive me to isolate myself, stay at home and do nothing (or do unproductive things -- see the discussion of self-control issues below), and during such times, I'm generally not much fun to be around (I'm always kind and caring; just not much fun during the down times).

I've also struggled with impulse control in a variety of different areas, ranging from junk food binging and excessive video gaming to obsessively continuing to work (at my job) without taking much-needed breaks and without going home when I know I should.

For about five years of my life, beginning in college, a lot of these issues were pretty well under-control, largely because I was deeply religious at the time and felt a deep sense of mission and purpose in my life. I lost that a few years ago when I ceased to believe, and ever since then, I've frequently struggled with feelings of purposelessness, and around that time, a lot of my old self-control problems have resurfaced.

At this point in my life, faith, theology and organized religion are not options for me, even though I recognize that they were helpful to me (on a pragmatic level), for the simple reason that I no longer believe in the central tenets they propose. (I am, however, open to and experimenting with meditation, yoga and other practices that do not require me to subscribe to particular belief systems.) I'm striving to become a person who is happy more consistently, less anxious, and more capable of controlling my own actions. Any thoughts and advice would be very welcome! Peace,

J