[purpleflyingmonkeys]

I just found this through psych central where I've been a member for a few years and go to PC for help when I need it.

As of yesterday I was officially diagnosed with epilepsy. I'm afraid. I'm sad. I'm not as panicked as I was after having the tonic clonic seizures but I am afraid and I am sad.

This is a life long diagnosis that can not be cured in most cases and I can't afford surgery so I doubt I'd be able to go that route even if it was an option. I'm afraid to drive even though the neuro said I would be able to when the meds start working. I'm afraid to get pregnant even though I'm getting married in two weeks and we plan to try in two years.

I'm sad because I feel like this will always effect me. I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable driving, if I will ever feel comfortable taking a bath. If I will ever feel comfortable going swimming alone, if I will ever feel comfortable around a large crowd, if I will ever feel comfortable alone, if I will ever feel comfortable at all.

I got medication but I'm afraid to take it. I'm terrible at remembering to take medication, if I forget to take it it may make things worse and I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid it wont work and I'm afraid it just confirms my diagnosis. I know even if I don't take it I've got epilepsy but the medication makes it feel real.

I'm trying to be strong, be strong for my daughter and my fiance. He's been through enough with my anxiety and depression from the first two seizures, I can't put him through that again. I just want to wake up and this whole seizure deal be a dream. All of it.