Hi Everyone!

In the tips to newcomers I saw that it was a good Idea to introduce myself. In fact it said I would not be able to participate on this site until a mod saw that I wasn't a bot or a spammer. This seems to be the appropriate spot to make that initial intro, so here I am.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me, but it isn't for lack of trying. I want to start by apologizing for not using abbreviations, This is my first time using a forum or even talking to anyone but loved ones or doctors about my problem so I don't know any shorthand yet.

Before I burden anyone with my woes let me just say a little about myself. I am spiritual but I'm not really christian. I think I'm more Buddhist but I don't practice anything. I do pray sometimes and I used to meditate. I should start that again. I am into nature, astronomy, meteorology, gardening, animals, art, picture framing and caring for the Earth. Some bad things are I smoke and I drink but I want to stop both of those. I'm gay. Oh yeah, and I'm a Libra Taurus rising. Now for why I'm here.

I don't think I have epilepsy or migraines, but after trying a few different drugs the only one that keeps my symptoms sort of under control without too many side effects is Depakote (Divalproex Sodium) 1000mg a day. I also take Ativan when I feel panic. I never used to feel panic before the other symptoms though. This all started about 15 years ago. I'm in my mid 40s. What I think I have is migraine auras without headache caused by a spreading cortical depression. Mostly I get an expanding scintillating scotoma (fortification spectrum). It was rare when it first started but then it became more common, like once a week, and I started to get scared. Then I started to sometimes experience numbness on one side of my face or down one arm. Sometimes I couldn't talk right and I would lose my balance.
I really never get bad headaches though, thank God. I am sorry for those who do. I just get a little nauseous and sensitive to light and sound.
I went in and had an MRI with and without contrast and it showed nothing. Then I had a sleep EEG, although I didn't sleep and they said it as normal. I didn't have an episode while I was being tested so I don't know what they expected to find. So I guess when you don't know what your dealing with you throw drugs at it. Neurontin was the worst but after trying a few things that made me unable to drive, or finding myself hiding in a walk in freezer, Depakote slowed it down. The auras, I guess that's what they are, used to last 20 to 40 minutes and now it's more like 5 minutes and they are far less frequent, like one ever 6 weeks.

So, if I feel like I have it under control, then why am I just now after 15 years finding a public forum to talk to strangers about all this? Because I don't feel like it's under control. I don't feel like I'm the same person I used to be. I don't think I feel as much at all. I used to be sharp and had a great memory. It may just be a mid 40's thing but I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I'm not social and funny anymore either. I'm starting to feel as scared and alone as I did when all of this started.

A little while back something else happened and I don't think it was a migraine aura but maybe one of you will know. I had full on diplopia. It wasn't blurred vision or the kind of double vision I might get when dozing off in front of the TV. It was SCARY. The two images were wide apart and on an angle, both perfectly clear. I couldn't pull them back together. I was wide awake and at work. I wasn't under any stress, I was rested and I had eaten. I tried to shake it off and focus but it just had to run it's course which was about 8 minutes. I hadn't been afraid that I was having a TIA for about 10 years because I had gotten used to all the weird sights, sounds, smells and sensations, but this was different. I was very afraid. I still am. It happened about 3 weeks ago and I'm afraid it will happen again. What if I am in a crowded place, or worse yet, driving?

Well, that's my introduction and my 1st post. like I said I never participated in a forum before, and I know there are a bunch of people on here, so I don't know if anyone will read this or respond. If someone could relate I should would appreciate you sharing your story with me. I hope to hear from you.

Fox