Hiya Olaf, I'm more newbier than you but I wanted to say that you have no need to feel alone...the pain is bad enough...just know that you really not alone and there is plenty of support around for you...wishing you luck..Rhiannon

Just to give you a bigger picture of my predicament; and to vent to someone who may understand, I will give you some more details. The begining of my Chronic Pain journey started in 1975 when I was 15 yrs old. I remember one day having lower back pain. I went to my Mother's Chiropracter who said I had scoliosis, and not much could be done. At this same time my Dad became an alcholholic, ans was verbally, emotionally, & psychologically abusive when he was drunk. At the same time my Mother was going through menopause, and walking on a minefield of fear and aprehension caused by my Dad. So, help from parents was not available. Being an only child I was alone. In fact I remember complaining to my Dad about my persistant back pain; he said something like: "What the hell's wrong with you I've been through....... it's all in your head.'' My Dad was an angry socialist Scotsman who grew up in the slums of Glasgow Scotland during the depression, fought in the 2nd World War and had been through all kinds of hardships. He also had a very negative attitude towards Doctors and the Medical Profession, calling them a bunch of "kooks". Needless to say I adopted much of the same attitude, and with doors being slammed in my face regarding my back pain from the Medical Fraturnity at the time, I made a fateful decision, and psycological adjustment. I concluded that for some reason I was here to suffer. No one cared anyways, so if I got injured I wouldn't get things looked at, figuring it's more pain, I'm in pain anyways, what does it matter? In 1983 when I was 23 yrs old my back pain was so horrible I tried to get help, and got an x-ray of my back through another Chiropracter. When I saw my x-ray I almost vomitted. My spine was so twisted and bent it frightened me. I was told the only medical solution was to have 2 titanium rods wired to to my spine, and that I would have a 50% chance of walking again after the operation. I said; "I'm walking right now thank-you very much." The reply was: "you're 23 yrs old now, you should be in a wheel chair by the time you're 46." Well I'm 47now and still walking. So after what to me was a death sentence, I went on my descent into hell. I had already been through reactionary cyles of behavior: extreme anger/ lashing out, alchohol and drug abuse, and over the next 20yrs battles with depression, anxiety, more anger, paranoia etc., and got through them all basically alone. Due to my back, I could not stand for too long, or sit for too long without almost dehabilitating pain. So I always gravitated to jobs where I was physically active. If I kept moving and busy, it was easier, if I stopped I would be in pain. I also survived 3 major car accidents, mulitple high speed skiing crashes, etc. If I got injured, I just kept going. Two injuries left untreated or inadequatly diagnosed, would haunt me for almost 20 yrs. An ankle injury, and an elbow injury. These injuries would frequently be aggrivated by the work I was doing and along with my back, lead to the self-imposed isolation I have already mentioned. It was'nt untill my elbow was so bad that when ever I got into REM sleep, I would get muscle spasims down my arm and wake-up 20 to 30 times a night. I went on like this for about 18 mnths. No REM: no rest, no healing or repair of the everyday wear and tear. Finally, I was in so much pain and so exhausted that I addmitted to myself that I could not continue living the way I was and needed help. I could not make it any further without help. One day I saw the 2 words together: Chronic Pain. I quit my job, and started my life all over again at 45yrs of age. My new job was $5.00 an hour less than the one I quit, so poverty became an issue. It took 2 yrs to get my ankle injury diagnosed and treated, and two years to get processed and accepted into The Chronic Pain Centre in my city. Once my ankle was stabilized, I was able to get regular exercise and was amazed at how quickly my body responded. Because I had been favouring my right ankle for so long, (could not bear weight on it] It was aggrivating an old knee injury, [torn cartlidge], and making my back worse. I got a new job at $17.00 an hour, found a reason for living again, [music], and through the Cronic Pain Centre, could see hope for a life worth living. Everthing looked so promising. Then one day I was riding my mountain bike to work and had a crash that I could'nt see coming, and I could'nt protect myself. On Nov 28th of this year I broke my right wrist, and tweaked everything. I had to get surgery to get 2 pins in my wrist. I also reinjured my right thumb[dislocated in 1976 skiing, untreated], reinjured my right hand that was broken in 1979, [anger management issues, was treated], injured my right elbow [status unknown], injured my left elbow even more, reinjured my right ankle[ in my right foot I had previously dislocated my big toe, untreated, practically ripped right off the outer main ligament, torn and ripped most of the tendons, both untreated. My back is also giving me more pain than before the crash. I can't work at my job, don't have a vehicle, and can't ride my bike. So I'm walking around on basically on a broken ankle. I have to wear a brace on it for the rest of my life or face complete deconstructive and reconstructive surgery followed by 6 to 8 months of physio, with no guarentee of a sucessful result. No thanks. Despite of this I have not lost hope. I am at the triage stage at the Chronic Pain Centre, the process is so slow, and I have registered for counciling to help me deal with the psychological and emotional damadge caused by 32 yrs of Chronic Pain. I'm not depressed, or angry, just tired. Mostly tired of being alone and isolated. I hope this has not been an infringement on your outlook of your circumstance in life and I do sincerely appreciate the chance to get this out to someone who may have some real empathy and understanding. It has been difficult for me to get to the point of recognizing that I needed help, that I was worthy of help, and even accepting help. To be able to communicate honestly with someone regarding this for the first tme in my life is remarkable to me; and I'm not even crying. Thanx again, good luck with YOUR journey.Olaf

((((((Olaf)))))),



You know what stood out the MOST out of all you just said?? (You were very brave for posting that, by the way.) What stood out the most to me was: most people that are in pain do everything in their power to avoid experiencing any more pain because that one last drop of pain on the camel's back is gonna crack the back -- excuse the metaphor mixing

You almost sound like you're 'paying for' something!!?? Something you did?? Something your parents did??

If I were your body, I'd be in pain -- constant pain -- too. Sounds like the only thing that you haven't hurt is your hair

I understand the anger and the rage. My son is just wrapping up 10 years for a road rage incident in which the police were involved. He's got somewhere between 3 to 5 months left. There's a problem in this state in the way that they calculate 'good time'.

Olaf, when you're given a diagnosis for something that will be 'chronic', you need to attempt to take good care of yourself so that whatever "it" is, you will be able to cope with "it" better. Do you "CARE FOR" yourself, Olaf?? I see a lot of self-directed rage.

I've been reading a book that's about a woman who's using a combination of therapeutic touch and Reiki and instinct to help people cope better with the after-effects of surgery. She's discovered through her work that a lot of people, both men and women, take on problems from their parents and display those problems physically. A woman that was an unwanted pregnancy gets uterine cancer. A man who was carried by a woman that was exposed to a lot of rage while she was pregnant carries that rage in his guts and ends up getting stomach cancer.

The book is "Hands of Life: From the Operating Room to Your Home, an Energy Healer Reveals the Secrets for Using Your Body's Own Energy Medicine for Healing, Recovery, and Transformation" by Julie Motz. If you can get it and read it, you might find that aspects of it apply to you. It might be worthwhile discussing with a therapist or someone who works in the field of energy healing.

I know this sounds all "new age-ie", but, there's been recent research done by creditable investigators that's shown a link between whether or not a grandparent suffered starvation when they were children and a grandchild who will have food problems. It's only been seen between grandparent and grandchild. Seems to skip a generation.

Speaking from the viewpoint of someone who's first suicide attempt was at age 16, someone who lost her younger brother to suicide at age 22, some who attempted suicide many times over the next 13 or so years -- you need to understand yourself and your behavior and why you put yourself into certain situations. Nothing will change unless you understand the reasons "why" and then change the behavior.

There are people all over the world that live every day in horrendous pain. They are able to do that because of their attitude. Years ago, during the 'suicide years', I had no tolerance for physical pain at all. That was the "camel's back" effect -- the one more thing that I could not tolerate.

After years of therapy and tons of writing and many tons of talking to myself , I'm in a better place than I've ever been.

Olaf, you need to forgive yourself, understand yourself, and take CARE of your self.

Thank you for sharing with us. BIG HUGS.



Barb

Olaf,

You're not alone man.

nice you got good place to share your feelings. i you have any questions you can ask me