[GregW1]

Hi All,

I know all of us here have urgent and pressing and immediate things to tend to, to worry about, that take up much or most of our day, and often leave little time for the leisurely consideration of things like how nice people are, or are not, to one another. I include myself among that group, as my wife nurses a broken foot unlikely to heal anytime soon, I see my orthopod this week about a possible torn rotator cuff (“can you lift boxes weighing 40 lbs or more“ it says on the SSDI questionnaire – “not anymore” I can answer with confidence). And we both struggle though our twelfth year post-dx with PD.

Nevertheless, I have been thinking about precisely that question over the last few weeks, and I wonder if anyone here has an opinion one way or the other. Simply put, do you think that people are becoming more civil, charitable, thoughtful, empathetic – in a word, “nicer” – to one another than they were say ten or twenty or thirty years ago. I am not talking about the more complex social relationships we have with relatives or close friends, or people that for one reason or another we know well. I am talking about how people who are more or less strangers to one another, people we deal with on the phone, at the grocery store or the Walgreen’s, who live down the street or in the neighborhood or across the hall, that you bump into (sometimes literally) at Best Buy or Target. Are these casual and seemingly inconsequential encounters, with nothing at stake except how pleasant or unpleasant the actual social exchange will be at the moment, becoming more pleasant? Are people showing greater “civility,” if you will, to one another?

As you may have figured out, my personal opinion is that they are. I also think these little moments of “civility,” “generosity,” “niceness,” whatever you want to call them (I think of them as instant deep eye-contact moments), occur most often between one individual and another individual. Group encounters tend to change the context from one of possible momentary intimacy and exchange (a real smile, lightness in tone, vulnerability and trust as you get your receipt or make way for another cart in an aisle) into “group” affairs which involve more generalized attitudes toward categories of people and often skew our expectations and therefore the encounter itself.

I used the words “seemingly inconsequential encounters” deliberately, because while each individual moment or encounter as I have described it does nothing more than brighten your day or make a transaction with someone you may never see or talk to again easier or smoother, taken together they make me wonder if there isn’t, underneath all the turmoil of politics and social policy debates, a growing feeling among ordinary folks – even if it’s under their conscious radar - that, as John Lennon said, “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” That we recognize that we are together in ways both obvious and mysterious, and that we are the better for it.

Seems like a kind of seasonal question, which is okay, but Tiny Tim aside, does anyone agree, disagree, or have any thoughts along these general lines?

Thanks and Happy Holidays,

Greg

PS - This post was prompted in part by the recent and astonishing report in the New York Times that stranger-to-stranger homicides in NYC are projected to total 35 for all of 2007. In a city of 8 million people. The lowest annual total since they started keeping records in the early '60's.

[indigogo]

Greg -

No, I don't think they are becoming nicer. Nor do I believe they are becoming meaner.

Wondering if it is because you have time now to slow down (and a body that is slowing down), reflect more, and can (and want to) pay attention to the details (the writer's eye and ear?) that you are noticing that by and large, people are nice. And I think that the life you lead is one that attracts niceness - but nice has always been there.

Maybe society feels a little nicer - my theory is that they, we (Americans) are tired of the uncivil and polarizing Bush years - not to mention a war nobody really wants. Hatred is wearying (this echos your Lennon paragraph).

But on a face to face basis, I think that most people are nice - and always have been.

[reverett123]

Or the equivalent :-)

I think that people, given a clear and finite opportunity to be kind, are happy to help. I base this on a six-month period when my wife was in a wheel chair. I would push her about when we went shopping. People really did love to get the door for us. I would observe their faces and you could almost see the thought process:

1) Uh oh! Scary reality! That could be me! Helpless before Fate! Avert eyes? Pretend I am safe?.....
2) ....Wait! Something I can do! An act of power! To make things better - less frightening! The door! I can get the door! I am not helpless - WE are not helpless!

Again and again. Young thugs to old ladies. They WANTED to help. There is hope.

BTW, take a look at http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/compo...page/Itemid,1/

It is a good way to start the day. Stories of ordinary people taking on the universe a little piece at a time and making a difference. Originally, I admit to having curled my lip in cynical wisdom. I got hooked quickly after reading this one-
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asi...ic/7096867.stm

[indigogo]

Rick - oh my god! that shed story is amazing! talk about taking control of your own life - and coming up with a communal, practical, positive answer to a dreadful social and personal problem!

I think you are right about helping.

Also, Mrs. Robinson certainly was nice (in the beginning) to Benjamin when Simon and Garfunkel wrote the lyrics "koo koo kachoo," but the Lennon/McCartney equivalent might be "ob-la-di-ob-la-da" with the appropriate line: "Happy ever after in the market place, Molly let's the children lend a hand."

[reverett123]

...then you probably weren't there You are right, of course. Both duos were genius (goodness, what is the plural? geni? )

The shed thing is great, isn't it? It certainly would be a good way to welcome the military back, wouldn't it? Any number of groups could benefit from such a simple thing. -Rick

Originally Posted by indigogo

Rick - oh my god! that shed story is amazing! talk about taking control of your own life - and coming up with a communal, practical, positive answer to a dreadful social and personal problem!

I think you are right about helping.

Also, Mrs. Robinson certainly was nice (in the beginning) to Benjamin when Simon and Garfunkel wrote the lyrics "koo koo kachoo," but the Lennon/McCartney equivalent might be "ob-la-di-ob-la-da" with the appropriate line: "Happy ever after in the market place, Molly let's the children lend a hand."

[chasmo]

I agree with RIck. People do want to help. One needs to learn the ways to signal that its ok. You get pretty good at picking out the kind faces.

Charlie

[indigogo]

Greg - maybe this time of year there are more demonstrations of nice because we have heard since birth (and I can only assume this applies even subliminally to persons of every religion, at least in the U.S., because it is a ubiquitous, secular holiday tune), that "he's making a list, and checking it twice - he's going to find out who's naughty or nice", so we are automatically on our best behavior?

Regarding sheds - the beauty of the concept is that they seek out the sheds themselves. There would be an outcry if we delegated delapidated buildings (Walter Reed) as veteran rehab centers. But it is a great example of one thing that is important to good mental health - social contacts and friends - and that it doesn't take a state-of-the-art facility to make it happen.

Regarding the song writing genius(es): yes, they did exhibit true genius - but it is kind of funny that we are quoting "koo koo kachoo" and "ob-la-de-ob-la-da" as the example. Or is it because of their genius that they could get away with it?!

Regarding the 60's: I lived through them ages 3-13 - my mind altered only by youth!

[caz5346]

Are people generally getting nicer? Being the pessimist that I am I'd say no. Perhaps it's the places we go at our age and with our PD that makes it seem people are getting nicer. Where do we go? Dr's offices and more Dr offices and in general places we have to go. As for stores, I worked in retail and we were trained to make eye contact, smile and say hi. There were even secret shoppers who came into the store and rated us on our friendlyness. After all, we weren't the only store in town as also there are many Drs that we can go to. With the economy as it is everyone wants our dollar in their pocket. There are days when doors are held open for me and there are days when someone walks in a door before me and will let it shut in my face. It's not as if they can't see I walk with a cane.
And that shed story is great. Wouldn't it be nice to do that with the empty buildings here in the U.S. instead of letting them sit empty and become eyesores. We have a battle going on here right now with homeless shelters. We don't have enough and one of the local churches wanted to open it's doors at night. But the local politicians stepped in and said no way it's not zoned for that. Well, the church opened it's doors anyway and now has to hire security to keep the locals happy. Some people hear homeless and right away assume lazy, drunk, useless, etc. Perhaps if they really looked at these homeless people they'd see war veterans and some very unlucky circumstances. I'm printing that story and sending it to our local paper. Not that it'll do any good. See I am a pessimist.
Well, that's my 2 cents worth for the year.
Carol

[jeanb]

Greg,

I don't think people are getting nicer, but I wish they were. However every once in a while I'm surprised by random acts of kindness. When I was having trouble loading groceries into my car because of a broken arm, a kind stranger came over to help me. I thanked her and told her young daughter that her mommy was an angel to help me.

But on an airplane (with same broken arm) the flight attendant told me SHE could not help me stow my carryon bag in the overhead bin. I said fine, I'll wait until someone comes who CAN help me.

It take so little to be kind and courteous and it means so much.

[proudest_mama]

Greg,

I'm 50/50 on this one - but what I CAN tell you is that I am the one who always brightens up other's days. It just makes MY day when I've made THEIR day!

A few examples - find a person, ANY person, who looks as if they could use a day brightener. Say only "I really like that shirt you're wearing. The color is beautiful on you" and you have not only made their day, but their week.

I now say to the cashiers, dressing room attendants, stockers, etc. ... "I hope everyone treats you nice today." I actually had one such employee do a double take and then went ... "THANK YOU!"

Say to any male in WalMart, KMart, JC Penney's, etc., sitting on a bench, walking beside their wife and/or just killing time , .... "You were dragged here, weren't you?" and see their smiles lite up. I then say, "You know, it's PAY BACK time for all of the times that you dragged us to Home Depot and Best Buy!"

I routinely tell the Post Office employees as well as the Customer Service desk (where all the RETURN purchases are handled) ... there are some jobs that I just couldn't do ... and yours is one of them. The other is the a) post office or b) the return desk at WalMart. It usually gets them talking and puts them in a good mood.

And now, just to show you how much fun I have with people in general, I was shopping at Academy Sports when all the college kids were back for the summer months and had just started working. Everyone seemed to have a huge frown on their face, as if thinking ... "I actually have to endure three MONTHS of this?!"

While walking around, I saw one girl doing her job with a huge smile on her face, so I walked up to her and said, "I just don't get it ... everyone else has a big frown on their face like they can't believe they've got to do this for three solid months and you've got this huge grin. What's your secret?" She said, after which I laughed hysterically ... "It's my first day on the job!"

And, yes, a week later I was back, returning a swim suit that my daughter wanted to exchange and I walked up to her and said, "Do you remember me? You're no longer smiling!"

Another time our water got turned off (long story), it was a Friday afternoon, we have six people in this family and there was no way in heck we could have survived without water. I was actually so convincing (polite, funny, firm, etc.) that the guy wanted to know if I would work for him and then actually sent me flowers the next day. I kid you not!

Oh the fun you can have with people!

So, yes, I do believe that an act of kindness, ANY act of kindness, is not only appreciated, but reciprocated and passed on. If you make someone think that THEY'RE special, they in turn feel good about themselves and keep the cycle going.

Greg, thanks for the link. I'm always looking for the good in mankind and you just helped prove it. KUDOS TO YOU!