Yep, that's unconditional love for ya!

Jim, I too am sorry to hear that you have been mistreated by family and the doctor with whom you put your care with.

I am suppose to be writing and article for an upcoming org newsletter. The topic is living alone with PD. I started out the article commenting on how there are varying kinds of "living alone" and that all is not necessarily the true sense of living alone with no one in the home except the PWP.

I have PWP friends who tell me over and over that I may be lucky that I have no one in my home except me. It is a matter of perspective I suppose.

I hope Charlie has it tagged that is does get better...can get better for you. It saddens me over and over again when I hear of PWPs being mistreated and/or misunderstood by those who should be the most compassionate and empathetic to them.

My own situation is not similar, but I can identify with you or at least empathize with you. The difference is that my family has simply ignored my PD for these 20 years. I hear "why are you walking so oddly" or "mom, you are shaking today, why is that?" And I mean ignored in the truest sense of the word. It has left me feeling incredibly empty and lonely.

I very much can empathize with you. I too have times when I feel everyone would be better off if I just vanishing one day, but I continue to stick around. There is something or someone in your life who can become your "grounder." My grounding comes through the grandchildren in my life. They are what keeps me grounded to planet earth.

To echo rd: Think about your life and find that one person or thing (that dog you love, for example) and keep that in mind at all times.

If you are feeling so desperate that you see yourself hanging by extension cords in the garage, PLEASE don't do this. DO CALL someone....clergy...local mental health hotline...talk it out with someone. It does not have to be a family member. Sometimes a "stranger" can give more to you than you might think.

Also, please seek out a therapist in your community. I don't know where you live or I would give your some contact information.

You have more to live for than may be apparent to you.

PM me if you feel like chatting more and I will give you my email address.

Dear Jim,

I think our illness is devious the way it robs us, not only physically but emotionally. It's hard for me to explain to others what it's like. Even on a "good" day when I'm not too shaky and able to move with a little less stiffness, always, always,even on those days, in the back of my mind are those thoughts. They go something like this... "Will I fall because I'm dragging my left foot?" "Will I shake uncontrollably?" "Will I mumble my words so everyone asks me to repeat myself?" "Will I be able to stay awake?" "Will people feel annoyed or even worse for me, will they pity me?" I could go on and on. Now before this illness hit, I had some times of depression, but NOT LIKE THIS. Sometimes I think the Sinemet causes me anxiety, and that just makes things worse. Two weeks ago I found a caring, sensitive therapist because I figured if my best friend felt like I was feeling, I'd RUSH them to the nearest Therapist ASAP, now my pride said "Don't go" But I'm so glad I did. Even just two sessions have made a difference for me. JIm, Your sadness touches my heart and makes me want to help in any way I can. I'm sending you a great big hug and hope that you'll know there are always people who care. God Bless, FG

PD contributes to that in several ways. The obvious one is that it destroys what we thought we were - job, friends, even family. The sneakier ones make it harder to deal with the first. And then there is the fact that we are always in danger of tipping into depression.

I wish I could offer you an easy solution but I can only offer the ones I have chosen for myself. They aren't easy and they aren't a cure, yet, but they have carried me thus far.

First, look inward and leave behind what you thought you were. This sounds kind of New Agey and it is. But the way you were is part of why you are here. It may have been a hard charging, goal driven career pumping ehough adrenalin to do a dozen normal folk. Or it may have been a miserable job that you forced yourself to go to day after day for a meager check. Maybe a spouse whom you would have better off without. Or a macho view of not needing anyone else. Whatever it was, it had a role. So, now, you have to reinvent yourself. Introspection is a place to start. The endpoint is learning love of self with humility. That is not as simplistic as it sounds.

Second, view PD as a foe and adopt a ninja like attitude toward it. Learn all you can. Try things that others have not and share the experience. Resist the urge to pass the power to your doctors - they know less than you do.

Finally, find a new outlet. Art is a good one. Political activism is another.

Learn to walk softly on life, I guess. The Dalai Lama is a good role model for this. Powerful, strong, soft, loving. It helps to heal.

Sorry if some of that sounds like gobbledy gook, but language is a limited tool. Good luck.

I posted earlier but deleted it as I was a bit flippant and needed an attitude adjustment. Everett said it so much better.

I hope you will always feel comfortable posting here, regardless of what you have happening in your life. There is always someone here who has been there before you, and we all know that there will be many to follow.

Get involved. Advocate, walk, never feel like you are less of a man, because if anything you will become more of man. Be there for those that will follow.

Words sometimes sound empty, but they are all we have here.

A good friend told me once "it takes a lot of pressure to make a diamond out of a chunk of coal."

If you need to talk to one of the contributors use the private messaging system on the site. It is an invaluable tool.

Personally, I'd like to say, finding yourself and developing a spiritual path will make the journey palatable, even worthwhile. If you watch carefully what is happening in the lives of many (everyone) around you, you'll begin to see that you are not alone because you've got PD. You are just more visible.

Thanks to all who have responded to my thread, I am much better now than I was back in December. Especially thanks to Reverett, Floridagal and Rosebud. I must admit that I know that my spiritual life needs enrichment, I am struggling with other demons that are a part of my life and my spiritual beliefs gave me support that I have been hesitant to call on. Albeit guilt or feelings of low self worth. I don't mean demons as in the psychiatric sense, I mean from my parents, etc. Reverette, you hit the nail on the head. I defined myself by my job and my co-workers around me. We were top notch, not in a self rightous or pompous manner but we were damn good and we were often recognized for it. I was a part of a team, I mattered, I made a difference. It wasn't a job for me. And yes I have noted within myself how much PD has forced me to slow down and take a look at life. I know that. I would not have the family that I have nor would I have the wife that I have if I [I]did not[I} have PD. I was running wide open. You may have burned the candle at both ends, I had it going it the middle too. Not anything illegal,etc just a very harried lifestyle. Anyway, I was down but I am back on my feet! Like MJF once said "It's the gift that keeps on taking."