Good morning AussieDebbie and everyone

I put the smiley faces but really not feeling it this morning.

All the posts on here have been great and ranting does help all of us. My husband has had back issues for years. Epiderals for 15 years and then finally back surgery only to damage the 2 discs either above or below the surgery....can't remember which right now. He also has large fiber neuro, COPD and high blood pressure....doesn't go to the dr as needed. He is 6 years older than me, I'm 51, and the plan always was that he would either retire or go out on disability and I would be the one to keep working and have insurance. That was not a problem until I was laid off, hysterectomy, path report showed rare uterine cancer and then 6 rounds of chemo. A month later the SFN monster came into my life. Of course everyone was great during the cancer....lost all my hair so it was pretty obvious to everyone that something was wrong with me. My husband is very supportive when I'm totally 'down' which is often. But he constantly talks about how bad he is and still gets through it. I finally told him one day that maybe he can take the pain better than I can. I have told him numerous times how much I appreciate all he did during the years for me and the kids now that I know what kind of pain he must have been in. I always thought I understood his pain but I didn't really.

Going from chemo straight to severe SFN has not been easy on my family. They really didn't understand even though they are very supportive and loving. My 6 grandkids are the best and very loving to me. Why is it that children totally get it ? Bless their little hearts.....when I'm not up they always come in and hug me and ask how I'm feeling and if there is anything they can do for me. My 9 year old grandson will take out the trash, sweep and make my bed up without me asking. My almost 17 year old granddaughter will make a gallon of tea and clean up the kitchen. Like everyone else I look ok......before chemo I got up everyday and did my hair and makeup......during chemo I just didn't care......same now with SFN but they were all so use to me not doing my hair or makeup they never noticed I didn't start back. Most outings are to the dr and I try and make sure my hair (about 5 inches long now) is done but sometimes I don't even care and just brush it and go.

My mom now lives in an addition attached to my laundry room. She's been here since 3/1/14 and is settling in well. She tries very hard to understand what I'm going through but she doesn't get that I may feel ok one day but not the next. Some of you have probably read other posts where I said she looks at my feet and says "well they look good".....lol.....I didn't feel well yesterday.....I've only been at this a year but I'm starting to recognize when the all over hurt is coming. Which happened yesterday.....I pushed through because I've read on here that it really helps a lot of people. Guess I'm not one of them right now but I will continue to push. Had to medicate myself and hit the couch at 6:30 pm. My husband said I didn't hear phone calls or even my daughter coming in to borrow foil ! The couch is about 3 feet from the front door. Woke up at 1:20 am and went to bed and didn't hear the alarms at 6 am.

I absolutely HATE not knowing how I'll feel each morning. Will I get out of bed at 6 and take my meds and drink coffee or will I not know anything until 10:30 am when my mom comes over to 'piddle' with the dishes and laundry ?

I, like AussieDebbie, thank all of you that got through my post.

AussieDebbie.....I think a thread on how we're feeling, doing or just ranting would be great....I enjoy reading what everyone is going through but sometimes I just don't feel like 'fishing' out the threads.

Nice, slow rain in Georgia today. Got the window up behind me and after writing this I feel much better

Debi from Georgia

Thank you all for the wonderful support! I've read every word, twice!

I've always known my mother and I share a toxic relationship which stems back to my childhood. The sexual abuse started when I was 8yrs old, and she did used to tell me it was wrong and my job next time was to say "no" and stop him. It is true that he (my monster) was a soft man, I only had to yell at him and he would have stopped, but I didn't know that at the time.

When I was a teenager, one day while my mother was out he tried it again, and I lost it, big time. I cornered him in the laundry and got all my pent up anger out, spitting at his face, kicking him, swearing uncontrollably. He ran out of the house and we didn't see him for 2 weeks. When I found out he'd had a nervous breakdown, I was pleased, and hoped he would be institutionalized. But, he came home.

My mother told me that she stayed with him for financial reasons, so that my brother and I could have a private education, a roof over our heads, etc. I realize now, she was prostituting me for a 'good' lifestyle. I hated her for a long time when that realization hit. My 20's were motherless, she was just as bad as him for allowing it to continue, for keeping me in that situation.

Anyways, fast forward to about 15yrs ago, and I forgave her. Truly, and completely. Now, if I mention the past she gets all upset and tells me I'm punishing her. So, it's a taboo topic. Soon, my PN will be taboo also.

I realize now, just this moment as I write this. I am a MUCH stronger woman than my mother ever was.

There I go again!! Rant rant rant. I'm resisting the urge to delete what I just wrote, but I think it's good to leave it there, as it helps you guys understand me more I think.

Debi!! Ohhh there seem to be so many Debbie's on this board.

Debi, I am so very glad you were able to get that out and feel the relief too. Isn't it great!! It's so refreshing to just release it into the universe.

I don't think it would be so therapeutic if we were to write in a journal for nobody to see. Somehow, knowing that others who TRULY understand are reading my words, really helps. I know that I won't be judged by you all. I know I can write anything and will receive support in return, not judgement.

Thank you, thank you all for being so supportive. If one good thing has come of this horrible condition, it is that I've met you. If I wake up tomorrow and the miracle has come, and I no longer feel pain. I will still come here for a chat. Ohhh wouldn't that be nice! Bit of a dreamer, I am.

Ohhh and on the weather, it's the same here in Brisbane, Australia. Drizzly rain, twinkling down outside my window. It's so soothing to hear it on the roof. I'm lucky in that my roof is made of tin, so the rain drops sound amazing, soothing, relaxing. There is something about the rain that makes me feel.... safe. It's like I'm inside all warm and cozy, while outside is so miserable and wet.