Thanks for all the replies and support. I do have long term disability and I know they will hound me but I am hoping to hang in there with that until I can go through the SSI hoops.

Yesterday morning was kind of a deciding factor about leaving work. My supervisor receives all my incoming and outgoing emails, I had received one from the company that they outsourced part of my job too, in there she referenced some annoyance that she had made a call to a member that had already made arrangements with a loan officer and there weren't any memos in the account or she wouldn't have called. I answered her email with a bit of a joke that this loan officer never memo'd accounts and kept her info in her head, and said we just couldn't teach this old dog new tricks. This email was also CC'd to this loan officer who I adore and we have always joked with her about this. Not two minutes later this super was in my office and in my face that I was unprofessional and at the very least guilty of insubordination, that what I had said was very damaging to the integrity of the company....blah, blah, blah. I was shocked by his response, he is new to the company, we took over his failing credit union a year ago and he came on board as CFO, which he doesn't know how to do so mainly he is always bugging me, not assisting mind you and I have come to feel that he really doesn't like me. I burst into tears, I thought okay he is gunning for me and I really can't stop this behavior. I couldn't stop crying, I was almost in full hysteria, so I quietly cleaned up my work area and sent him a message that I had taken ill and would be leaving for the day. I was still in tears when I came in the door and my husband read the email and said what is this guys problem Connie isn't going to take offense. He wanted to go have a talk with this guy and as much as I wanted him to I said no.

I did get a phone call from my neuro later that day and he said he would fully support my disability claim. I see my rheumy on Tuesday and I'm certain he will provide documentation. I just saw my pain doctor and she is concerned about my lower back flare up and I'm probably going to have a new MRI in January. Finally, my regular Dr. will definitely back me up on my different conditions. I was barely getting by physically and now the emotional being thrown in, I just can't do it anymore. Since I can't sit for more than an hour and can't stand for more than five minutes I don't see myself as a good candidate for rehire somewhere else. It occurred to me that I wouldn't have to take my "pain cocktails" four times a day if I weren't working, and emotionally I'm a wreck. I have been reduced to tears four times at work in the last two months, not sure that is the best thing for my PN which has been progressing in the last month.

This is going to be very hard on me, I don't generally see myself as handicapped, and I loved my job, still love the rapport I have with my delinquent people. I feel some guilt about abandoning them, not sure that they will be treated kindly and given options like I have done for them. I guess I have to go to my CEO and request disability papers, that will be hard, at one time he and I were good buddies but as we grow I see less of him. Financially I am freaking about income for the time it takes for disability to be approved. I do have a work at home job taking inbound calls for PBS and ST Jude, but that is very part time and again I can't sit for more than an hour maybe two at a time.

I have a very good friend that I have been talking to about this and she says Janna you have to put your health first, she has and although they struggle financially she has no regrets. Since she worked with me she knows that atmosphere I am talking about. I don't have to worry about talking to my neuro about office politics, he and I had discussed it months ago and he said the same thing was going on in their office, and why can't a group of people get along? My next visit was an all new staff and I picked up on a better atmosphere, so I guess that's one way of curing a toxic work environment.

I'll keep you all posted on how this plays out, I'm scared, I have always worked outside the home since I was fifteen so this will be strange new territory for me. I am grateful to you all and grateful I found my way here almost five years ago!