[trying not to sleep]

I am an ex-mercenary. I have been in fair bit of combat. I was watching a TV crime show with my wife and inlaws over the holidays and it talked about how anyone who can kill another person calmly is a monster, how the worst thing in a modern society is someone who can kill a man and not be consumed by guilt, they all agreed with the TV. I feel incredible pain and guilt for failing to save my best friend, but guilt for killing someone trying to kill me won't come. Am I a monster? if my family could see what I've done as a soldier they would never look at me the same. every day I am scared that they'll ask questions about my experiences/actions, they know I used to be a private soldier, they must know what sort of things I've done, they must see me for the monster I am but they don't say ask or say anything about it. Some dork street punk tried to provoke me during holiday shopping and I couldn't believe it. Couldn't he see in my eyes what I'm capable of? I never yell at my wife or kick the dog, but inside I feel like a monster. How can I deserve to even be in the same room with the people I love? Does anyone have any thoughts on this, good or bad?

[mrsD]

I for one don't think if you are questioning yourself, that you are a "monster".

I come to this post from a few different directions. One, is that my husband is a Vietnam Vet and refuses to discuss his experiences there. When he returned (we were both very young), he was pretty messed up...the drugs for malaria made him ill and he was gray and weak, and his depression/adjustment was poor. After 6months of this (he improved physically once the drugs were gone) I made him go to a therapist. He went for almost 2 yrs. It helped him alot, and even though he had some difficulty verbalizing his feelings, she had him do art therapy instead. I don't see him having nightmares now, and he seems pretty stable to me. He does have a intense fear of doctors and hospitals however.

I also watch some crime shows, and sometimes CourtTV trials .
I think the "monsters" they refer to on those venues are sociopaths/psychopaths. If you Google these terms, you will see how extreme they are. There are some good books out there..One is called The Sociopath Next Door.
http://www.bookbrowse.com/reviews/in...ok_number=1530
This is a pervasive personality style, and is mostly characterized by lack of empathy for others.

So now we get to the military.... Some people in the military are sociopaths. Predominately snipers or those who can go on missions irregardless of what needs to be done. But when I was interested in sociopathy (because of a personal experience with one) and researching it , I found that the military does not really want true sociopaths in the command line. This is because they do not have the loyalty or where with all to take commands. The military experience is really difficult to many people to move on from. There is this "stress" and guilt, and conscience that many feel from combat. Some can weather it, and return to life and others can have more PTSD from it. It might be that there are physiological differences in how people manage stress.

The crime shows dwell on this trait quite a bit, and it turns up in some very heinous crimes. The Couey trial in Florida is an example. I don't want to put the details here but you can look him up. It is criminals like him and some other serial killers who are dubbed with the term, "monster". They actually HAVE to do what they do and enjoy it in a perverse way. The more suffering they cause the more satisfied they are. That is what a "monster" is to me.

Basically it is a matter of degree. So if you need to clear this up for yourself, there are new books out that explain psychopathy in detail. Dr. Hare is considered one of the best experts on this subject.
http://www.hare.org/
Without Conscience is a very good book that I have read of his.
Also Snakes in Suits discusses psychopathy in the workplace.

So the bottom line is that you may want to explore therapy, to help yourself understand your experiences better, and/or read some of the newer books on the subject. If you have lingering PTSD and nightmares, I'd seriously consider some "help".

But your post seems to me to be rather like the old expression,
"if you think you are "crazy", you are not. It is those who don't think they are "crazy" who are".

[Alffe]

I totally agree with Mrs.D. You are not a monster..you were doing your job..good guys against the bad guys..you were trained to do this and now you "get to" live with the aftermath. I can hardly imagin how difficult this must be at times but you need to talk about what you have been through and what you are feeling....not with your family but with a professional.

Our oldest grandaughter is engaged to a young Marine who is in Afghanistan...I know that he will not be the same person when he returns...I also pray that he gets to return, hopefully in one piece.

Please stay in touch and please be kinder to yourself.

[SandyC]

My husband was a soldier (101st Airborne) and did some things he wont talk about either. He has opened up about some things but for the most part he keeps that part of his life to himself. Your not a monster. You were trained to take care of business and that business saved many soldiers and innocent people.

Have you considered going to the VA and talking to someone? They have a PTS clinic specifically for situations like this. Your not a bad guy, your not losing it, you are having normal thoughts.

If that isn't your cup of tea, and many soldiers would say that, get with other vets who have gone through similar things. Sometimes just being around others who "get it" helps.

[Alffe]

http://www.ptsdsupport.net/combat_ptsd.html

[Hockey]

I've never served myself, but I'm from a military family. Frankly, I think it's a little rich and naive for people who have never been in combat to judge those who have fought to keep them safe. Do they place police officers in the same category?

[waves]

the true "monsters" are those who delight in their deeds. they find them gratifying. i don't hear you delighting. in fact you are questioning yourself for not feeling guilt over some duties you carried out... in the interest of protecting others. that is not the mindset of a monster. monsters don't question their absence of guilt. if anything, they are intolerant of anyone who would actually do so... they often feel above question, certainly above criticism. Contrary to that, here you are wondering if you're a monster and if you deserve to be with your loved ones!

The others have already given good advice on ways you can possibly cope with this aftermath... i just wanted to chime in and say you don't seem like any kind of monster to me either.

it is hard to take a bullet for someone else... but it is i think even harder to SHOOT a bullet for someone else because that leaves you open to callous pot shots like being called a monster. yet both those actions are in the service of others to stop them being hurt or killed.

Thank you for your service. And good luck getting the monster monkey off your back.

~ waves ~

[trying not to sleep]

It's funny you mention sniper, I did have to kill one man while sniping. he was sneaking up behind some others and I was behind him. I felt really bad about it but I waited until the last possible moment hoping to use my radio to get the others out of harm's way. I felt bad, but knew that I had to stop him from killing others, I prevented an imminent murder. Other people I shot and was shot by have left me more conflicted.

[trying not to sleep]

As a mercenary we don't get VA benefits. There are 10 mercs for every unifoprmed regular overseas right now. this is gonna be a BIG issue in the following years. The hard thing isn't that it is hard to kill, rather that it is easy. Feeling I should feel guilty is easy, feeling guilty isn't happening except for those I failed to save, or shot that may not have deserved it.

If "just following orders" didn't excuse the ww2 germans how is it an excuse today?

[Alffe]

If you don't feel guilty, why don't you want to sleep? If you dream about being wounded, and worry about being a "monster" yet claim to feel no remorse about your actions...what is bothering you? I have to wonder if you view guilt as some sort of weakness...personally I think there is a huge difference between excusing our actions and understanding them.