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PLEASE help
I am overcome with wanting to end things right now. I have pushed everyone away in my life and have no one and nothing left. No one around me can deal with my OCD and depression so they have all left me. I have no one to turn to. I want to end this life of pain and suffering. I don't know what I am living for. My heart just wants to quit. I don't know why it keeps beating. I am so damaged and broken by all who have left me. I know I will never find a companion who understands me and accepts me as I am. So why am I here? I can't fulfill myself. I can't find others to fulfill me. What's left? Nothing.
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You have come to the right place to talk about those feelings...most of us have been where you are now so we do "get it":hug:
Manda, there are stickies at the top of the forum that I hope you'll read..What to do if you're feeling suicidal...and Pters wise words. Take a deep breath and remember that you are talking about a "forever decision" and our lives change...given time they do...but you have to be alive for it to happen. Keep talking..this is a wonderful place for support but people can't help you if they don't know how you feel. :grouphug: |
MandaC
What's left?????????????????????????????????????? HOPE Thata what is left....hope that one day you can live with these feelings, that you can one day meet someone who is consideret enough to understand you, except you and help you overcome the desperate feelings you have. Hope is an expectation that things will get better, be easier to bare, tollerable....without HOPE ....we all give up. Welcome to SOS.. my dear friend the warmth you will undoubtedly recieve from this marvollous group of people ...will soon make you realise HOPE is the answer....courage....and hope....:hug: This rough time you are going through will pass ..........learn to take baby steps....it takes time to get through these feelings...but you can come through it...and life can change...[you have to make it happen] Depression really does suck....but a good lady willl soon tell you on here....SUICIDE IS A FOREVER DESCICION.................Dont make that choice today....tomorrow will come,, with new choices, new chances,,,and above all new HOPE. kEEP POSTING MandaC...vent your feelinings.....its good therapy...its free...and the support is WARM.:hug: David |
Thank you for the responses.
I just don't get it. I'm actually asking people for help, and they're turning away. This one guy I used to kind of date really understood my feelings of depression and my OCD. He always said he'd never hold it against me, that he'd always be tolerant. Now, I'm sending him texts telling him I'm not ok and he's ignoring me. Why doesn't he care if I end things? Isn't it GOOD that I'm telling people I'm not ok? Aren't people supposed to WANT me to be ok? I don't get it. I know he's getting my messages. What have I done for someone not to care if I'm dead or alive? Even my female friends are getting sick of the same old sad story I have to give. I don't speak because I want attention. I speak because my thoughts just keep going around and around in my head and I can't let them do that forever, so I talk. Why am I reaching out and having people turn away? I'm actually ASKING for help. I thought that was the right step.... |
Hi Manda :hug:
You ARE doing the right thing by talking and asking for help. Sometimes people do not know what to do or how to act when a friend shares with them that they need help.Maybe they have never been in that type of situation . It is one of those things that has a zillion answers why. It dose NOT mean they dont care .They just dont know what to do or how to act. They may be afraid . But you ARE doing the right thing asking for help. it is one of the hardest things to do and I am proud of you.! shows you are brave and a fighter reaching and not giving up. I was wondering if you have ever gone to counciling ? lots of us here have or are and it is one of the best ways to get help. One of the best places to seek help . when thoughts go round and round in my mind I write just to get it out. It is a coping skill for me. I would try to find a good counciling pro that you feel comfortable talking to and sharing with. and keep sharing here letting your feelings out is helpful in itself. having support from this wonderful "family" here is even better. I am glad you found us and send a hug to you.:hug: keep talking Manda. PEACE BMW |
Thank you, BMW. I just get so confused sometimes. I'm a very open person and sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like I shouldn't trust people. And then, I think to myself, "if I don't trust people then what's the point of living and being an anti-social being?" which then leads to obvious suicidal thoughts. I want to trust people. I want to meet good people. I want to some day have a family.
Are there people here who have successfully overcome depression and suicidal tendencies and are happily married? Or should I start to become comfortable that I will be alone forever? This all sounds so pitiful, I know. But these are real concerns for me. I want to be able to have a healthy relationship one day. |
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I have been away for a bit but see you are reasonably new to the forums here. Yes, it is possible to overcome depression and live very fulfilling lives. Sometimes certain situations we find ourselves in will make us very sad. That can be a really regular response but there are also times when depression can take over and that's when we need to take steps to overcome that. Depression also can run in families as well, although it's often not talked about enough, so we may think we're the 'only one' who knows how dreadful it feels. I would suggest you never ever ever get comfortable with depression or feeling that you're always going to be alone. :) It doesn't have to be that way. I think we all meet people in our lives that we have trusted and befriended (sometimes even married :o ) only to find out that our trust has been betrayed. Trusting others after being hurt can take a lot of time for some people. We can find ourselves pushing people away too both emotionally and physically but that's so that we're not hurt again. I personally don't believe that happy relationships will make us happy. I believe that we need to find security and happiness in ourselves first and then the happy relationships will fall into place. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been feeling this way, but all is not lost. I hope you have someone there that you do trust to talk over these feelings with... like a counsellor of some type. I know this might sound a little clichéd but have you ever sat down and written a list of all your accomplishments you have made during your life, or all the qualities you have that you feel are good? They don't need to be huge things, just start with the little things. Feel better soon, and keep talking. |
Manda ! Sweetheart !! Are you my twin ?? :D I have felt exactly the same... (You can read my old posts), so, I understand your sadness, your worries...
David (as always) has explained things perfectly and beautifully... :) Manda, give yourself another chance.. Another chance to live, to enjoy, to laugh... Tomorrow comes and is full of new things... Some of those things might be nice :) If not tomorrow, the next day, or the next one... Just give time to time... Believe it or not, time heals :hug: Try to live second by second... About people leaving... Oh yeah... I have felt that too... Like everybody forgeting about me and traicioning me :( but, but, BUT ! Wait... Some leave, but new ones arrive to fill our lives :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: Take care and come talk to us. And, do you take any medicines for depression ? They help :) |
Hi Manda and Welcome to our little corner of the world!!!
Your pictures are beautiful!!! You are young and as David (DMACK) said... HOPE!!! Hope is what's left.... You have hope... I saw it the moment that I read your first post... without hope.. you wouldn't have posted. I am so proud of you for reaching out!!! That step is sometimes the hardest one to take!!!! Have you talked with your parents about what you are feeling?? I'm sure they want the best for you.... I can see how proud of you they are in your pictures!!! Since I don't know where you are geographically.... Here are some links and phone numbers... please call if you are in crisis!!! United States: 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK Teen line: 1-800-367-7287 Canada http://www.suicideinfo.ca/csp/go.aspx?tabid=77 World Wide: http://suicideandmentalhealthassociationinternational.org/Crisis.html Please keep talking with us... but please call one of the numbers above or go to the emergency room if you are in crisis!!!! :hug: Abbie |
Hi Manda, and welcome to our family...:hug: I'm sorry that you are facing such difficulties, but, happy that you have found us and are reaching out for help. That is a GOOD thing. And, yes, you need to keep doing it, even if those around you don't know quite how to respond.
There is always hope, things always change. Sometimes, painfully slowly. I too, believe, that we need to find some self-confidence in ourselves to be really happy in life. We need to have a dream and a reason to go on. Sometimes, these things are hard to see, especially when depression clouds our view of the world around us. There are times when we need help to deal with it. I hope you will find that help. Keep reading and reaching. I have fought suicidal thoughts most of my life, and am happy that I am still here. There will always be those valleys to deal with, but, everytime you find a way to overcome, you will be stronger the next time. Life is worth living even when you have to find ways to deal with depression. It can, actually, in time, add meaning to life. Give yourself some time to search out ways that will work for you. You can do it. I know you can. You have a future that can be happy and fulfilling. Baby steps. Find anything small at all that will give you a reason to smile and to live. :) :hug: |
I have one friend that I talk to. Out of all the friends I have, it is only her that I can speak with. Everyone else just tries to understand me which is sometimes insulting (I know they do it with the best intentions).
My parents are very frustrated with me. I know the love me, but they don't know what else to do. I spoke with a counsellor once, and did NOT like her at all. I don't know if it was b/c it was a female and not a male. I think I have an easier time talking to males in professional roles. Sounds kind of ridiculous, but I think having someone make it sound so easy makes me think "well, look at this woman, doesn't she just have her life in order. I guess I should be more like her." Otherwise, I have an easy time talking to males and females outside of that capacity. Maybe I should seek out a male counsellor. I have male psychiatrist who I really like. He understands that I'm not really in denial and he doesn't treat me like a patient, but a human being who needs to make decisions for herself (and be proud of those decisions). But all he cares about is meds. Like my sessions with him are only 15 mins long. So now here I am. I had a bad experience with a counsellor and my psychiatrist just cares about doping me up (sorry, as grateful as I am for meds, I hate taking them). I used to take paxil for anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks have "gone away" and are now manifesting themselves in a more Obsessive Compulsive way. Then we tried Cymbalta (which I will never do again....made me have suicidal thoughts....and ever since then, I've been a train wreck). Now I'm on Prozac and I feel like it's not doing too much for me. Like, it does help, but I know that paxil alleviated anxiety symptoms more than Prozac is for OCD. Maybe I AM in denial. Maybe I've downplayed my symptoms to my doctor. For so long, I really was in control of anxiety. Now, OCD has come into my life and I'm not used to it and I'm so confused and so lost. I just want to lay down and let it win because I don't know how to overcome it. It's a relatively new thing to me and it's already ruined so many relationships. I was able to live a somewhat normal life with anxiety and all of a sudden OCD hits and I'm paralyzed by it. LARA "I would suggest you never ever ever get comfortable with depression or feeling that you're always going to be alone." I'm going to write this down and keep it in my wallet at all times. Thank you so much. I go through these suicidal bouts every few days, so I'll always look in my wallet if I can't get near a computer. I don't want to end my life, but I don't feel like living. Does that make sense? I feel like I CAN'T live under these conditions anymore. I'm exhausted. And it's hard when I'm trying to fix it but I can't (i.e. meds aren't working) BLUEMAJO "About people leaving... Oh yeah... I have felt that too... Like everybody forgeting about me" YES! I feel like if someone was like "Manda, I need you to give me the shirt off your back" I would give it to them. Yet, people don't do the same for me. Maybe I shouldn't expect that of them OR myself. Maybe I give too easily. ABBIE thanks for the comments on my pictures. I know that if I ever hurt myself, those people in the pics would be hurt so much more. I could never do it to them. But some days, it's so tempting.....SO tempting. Today was one of those days. And then my dad called me....and I started to cry as soon as I hung up. I see his face in pain, and it destroys me and I know I have to live another 24 hours. Sorry for the long post. |
Please, friends, please remind me to practice patience with myself. I think I'm so hard on myself. You guys are right--self confidence is key. Maybe I'll create a thread where I post one good thing that's happened in a day. I need to find something worth living. I need to find a coping method (thanks mistiis). I feel much calmer right now. But man, when I get in that mindset of "life isn't worth living," that's all I can think about. It's scary. Now that you've written me and my dad has called I feel a bit better. I am happy I found this board.
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I understand what you are saying Manda... I get it. I've walked a similar path.
Unfortunately not all around us do get it... My family loves me but they don't want to know what is going on with me... kind of ignore the problem and it will go away. I had friends tell me to my face, that they loved me but that they were not equipped to help me. I had friends tell me they could no longer be a part of my life as they couldn't help and felt I was leaning on them too much. These things hurt... HURT A LOT!!! I've found help after seeing many doctors and many therapists... I now have a doc and therapist that are helping me to deal with life. Yes... I have to take medicines... I DON'T like them but I know the effects of not taking them... I'll take the meds. I had to try numerous meds to get the right combination. Keep talking Manda... no post is too long!!! :hug: Abbie |
PLEASE abbie, tell me how you dealt with friends saying those things to you? That is EXACTLY what I'm going through right now. Sorry for the caps lock, I just can't believe someone else has had people say that to them. "Love you but.....I can't HANDLE you....I can't DEAL with your problems..."
How did you view these people? I try to be sympathetic and think to myself "Ok Manda, if YOU can't even understand your problems how do you expect THEM to understand them???" But then there's another part of me that is really ****** off at them for abandoning me during this time. And I start to think "what a horrible person who won't stand by me." I think that's unreasonable of me, but I can't help that I feel that way. I know I would do ANYTHING for any of my friends. So when I have people say things like "Love you but...." it just stings that much more. That's why I feel like I'll never have a successful relationship. At first, everyone wants to be your savior. And I warn people "Listen, this is what my life sometimes is like, if you can't handle it, then I'm sorry but...." and they always reply with "Of course I can handle it! We'll beat this thing." Then months or years later, they're just as exhausted as me. Are there people that know how to handle it? Or wait, not HANDLE it, but will help carry it with me and LIVE a life with me (not just try and DEAL with my life)? Because we all know what happens to saviors.... |
Hey little twin sister !!!
I find difficult too, to like psychologists, counsellors... Im actually afraid of them... BUT, I have always thought that a friend, your mom, your pet, the moon, God, your pillow, a beanie, etc, I mean, anybody even when non-professionals can be your best psychologist.... :) Psychiatrists are another matter... we do need them actually in my humble opinion... :D I know it is difficult to find the correct one, but once we do, they are very helpful... Mine is great, I mean, he doesnt just give me meds, but also listen to me like nobody else in this planet and he gives me great hints and advices so I can be happier... I always leave his office with a big smile and full of optimism... sadly, it doesnt last long... :rolleyes: About fluoxetine (prozac), give it time.... That's what I take too and at the beginning I was like huh ? but later one, I started to feel better and when I stop taking it, oops, I do miss it A LOT. So, it might work for you too :) Also, do you take any supplements ? I have found that B complex helps me alot with my mood and vitamin D as well... so.... :o Great, Im closing this post here... Im having a bad day here :( so today, Im not precisly a good companion... but Im right here just in case. Love, Majo. |
Hey Big Sis (and everyone else :) ),
I'm SO happy to have found you (and everyone else). You've no idea! I found this board by complete fluke and wasn't even going to sign up. And now I see that there ARE people that understand. And if they don't understand, they don't PRETEND to understand. How long did it take for prozac to work for you? Do you remember? Do you mind if I ask what dose you take? I'm worried that maybe I down played the severity of my depression/OCD, so my doctor didn't give me a strong enough prescription. Maybe I am in denial. I try to hide my pain when I'm around professionals. I guess I get embarrassed. To my friends I tell them everything--how much pain I'm in. But to doctors, I try and be strong and show I'm making progress even if I'm not. I get scared that they're going to keep giving me more medication until I'm numb. I need to get over that fear. Maybe I need to find another psychiatrist. Although I really like him, I find that he's too busy to listen to me. I think my new goal is to buy my own place and get a dog. I've been so focused in getting into a relationship and finding someone that will love me for who I am. But I think maybe getting a pet would help me a bit because, in all honesty, as much as I want to have someone love me, I don't think I'm ready to be loved. As sad as it sounds, I think there's this part of me that is scared to be happy or maybe thinks that I don't deserve to be happy. I find that when I'm given the choice between A) Something I've tried and have failed at numerous times or B) Something I've never tried that could potentially work, I usually pick Option A even though I know it'll fail. I don't love myself yet which is hard for me....and people around me. I know my posts are always so long. People have been telling me to write my feelings out but I have such a hard time writing when I do it in private. I need sound boards to bounce my thoughts off of otherwise it doesn't give me relief. Or, I just re-read what I wrote and it makes me sad. But here, I write and get responses...so if I go and re-read things, then at least I'm also re-reading other people's helpful posts :) And I like that people don't throw advice at me, they try and understand and tell me what's worked for them. Sometimes my friends just give me advice that doesn't make sense or that they don't even follow themselves. Anyway, I don't take any supplements. I'll have to do some research on that. Thanks for the input. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. Just keep writing me whenever you have the chance. I'll be home all day with my laptop close by me. Tell me something good that's happened today. I start a new job tomorrow. I'm nervous, so I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for it. You're always a good companion to have, we'll work through things together. I promise. I feel so connected to everyone already and I want everyone to know I'm behind them every step of the way. Much love, Manda |
Hello again cutie !!!
Write as much as you need and ask about dosages anytime ! :hug: :hug: :hug: I only take 20 mg of fluoxetine each day.... :o Sounds pretty small, I even have to cut my pill in 2.... but it does a HUGE difference... hehe :rolleyes: When Im extremely sad, like when my dog died, I took 40 mg... :o and it did the trick :D Bad thing is it makes my skin dry and my pupils huge... :rolleyes: Oh well, nothing is free in this life I guess.... :p Oh yeah.... A dog sounds like a excellent idea to me... I used to have 2 dogs... one just died last october, and I only have one now... she is too funny, she is always there for me.... and she knows how to make me smile :) So, yeah, buying a dog will surely help you. I want a boyfriend so badly... :o But I think that we have to "forget" about it, like dont pushing things that much so things can come easily... Well, that's waht people say... Oh man... I find it so difficult... Im like, I NEED A BOYFRIEND NOW !!! :D :o Take care ! P.S Hey ! new job !!!! I feel your nervous !!! but, are you excited at the same time ? What will you do there !? Good luck tomorrow ! let me know how it goes. |
Sorry to hear about your dog, but I'm glad the one you have now makes you smile :)
I'm so confused about meds! I was taking 20 mg of paxil for anxiety attacks and it helped. Then my anxiety attacks went away so I went off meds for awhile. Now I'm noticing obsessive compulsive behavior so they put me on just prozac. I'm up to 40mg (which sounds like SO much to me) and I don't really notice anything...or if I do, it's really small. So I don't know if I should up my dose? Or switch meds? It's interesting that you mention how your skin reacted to it....I never even thought of that. I've noticed that mine has too! About boyfriends :rolleyes: I don't to sound negative. BUT as good as being in a relationship is, when things go bad it's really hard to deal with when you're emotionally unstable. I just got out of a relationship 8 months ago (wow, has it been that long already?? Why am I not healing faster?? Ugh...) and it really magnified my OCD and depression. Everyone here is right. You really do need to love yourself. The break up was hard for me because I have constant negative thoughts, constant "Why did he do that to me? What did he mean when he said that to me? Why does he hate me? Why does everyone hate me?" So maybe we can both find a relationship when we find happiness in ourselves. And I think we can. I like seeing people use " :) " in their messages, it makes me think that we all have a flicker of hope sometimes. I'm pretty excited about the new job. I'm working at a College looking after some Arts programs. Think of me tomorrow :) keep your fingers crossed. I won't be able to check this page as often :( but I'll be sure to update you Let me know about your day. I want to hear about it. |
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At first I ignored my friends saying these things and went on as if nothing had happened... I mellowed out for a while then was back leaning on my friends even harder. I was to blinded by life to see how I was affecting theirs. I didn't understand that my friends weren't able to help me... I always thought that I could talk to my friends and they would be able to "fix" me. I realize now that I was sooo wrong. Not in a bad way, but I was wrong for thinking my friends could help when they weren't trained as a Counsellor or a Psychiatrist. I didn't think I needed Professional help but I did!! I was sprialling down quickly and didn't even know it. About a year ago things went from bad to worse at such a fast pace that if something didn't happen, If I didn't get help... something was bad going to happen. I didn't seek help on my own.... One of my friends asked me to contact one of my other friends... I did and was told... you have an appoinment with at a local mental health place... It's your choice, go or we are out of your life. I wasn't going to go on my own... my friends knew this... I can't recall exactly what happened but I ended up at the appointment with one of my friends taking me there and sitting through the whole 3 hour appointment with me. I didn't speak to my friends for several weeks to months.... I now understand why my friends couldn't help me. I LOVE my friends for doing what they did.... things had to be done the way they were done, had to be said the way things were said.... I don't believe I would have gotten the help I didn't want or felt I needed with out my friends. Sometimes tough love is the best love there is...... :hug: Abbie |
Aw Manda !
I will be definetely thinking about you tomorrow !!! The best of luck for you ! :hug: Hopefully you will feel happy in that job. So, do you like arts ? Because I love them !!! my place at the lab is all decorated and everybody comes to see it even from another labs... LOL They keep asking why I decided to be a biologist and not a desginer... :o Tons of love !!! Oh wait... about Prozac, how long have you been taking it ? I think it took me like 2-3 weeks to start feeling "the power".... :D |
ohh Manda you fit right in with us ..sister Manda :hug:
I sent you a quick message . but I also want to send you some positive vibs and hope your having a good day . remember its one step at a time dont rush or look at Everything all at once it can overwhelm ya and make ya freak out . . . panic.. cant shut off the brain/mind so remember small steps ... just one thing at a time. When you get past that one step add it to the list of accomplishments you have done. That is how I learned to drive again after my accident. somehow that helped me too hang on to the next day and the next and the next. I hope some of that will help you some how. :grouphug: PEACE BMW edit to wish you a bunch of luck tomorrow :) |
Thank you so much for the kind words :) This has been an incredible experience for me. I feel like I've finally found people that support me. Truly support me. Not just people who nod their heads so as not to postpone the rest of the conversation.
Will keep you guys updated on how the first day at work goes. I have a question that I need comfort on--the people I have pushed away because of my recent inability to deal with my issues...do you think there's a chance of mending these relationships? I feel like I have to "clear my name" and show I'm not completely crazy. I know that I need to do it for myself, but do you think people can gain back the respect and love they once had for me? Or maybe I'm overreacting and thinking everyone hates me when really they don't? Before I get into a circle of thoughts, I'm going to end this..... Much love. |
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Lara---you're great :)
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I think you're greater than you think you are. LOL
Back later. Hope your day went well there... :BeamUp: |
I'm sinking again. I don't know why I do okay in the morning and then become so vulnerable to my thoughts in the evening.
I can't take it that no one in my life cares that I'm calling for help. These are people that have said I love you to me, and now? Now they're nowhere. They're straight up ignoring me. I can't take this pain, you guys. I'm so sad. I just want him to pick up the phone and tell me I'll be ok, and he's not. How is someone so disgusted by me as a person that they don't care enough to pick up? Why am I being judged? I think I need to go for a bit. Something in my head isn't right. I have such good moments in the day and now this. I think I need to drive all night or something. I don't know how I'm going to start my job tomorrow, though that's the least of my worries. I'm so consumed by people that don't want me in their lives and how bad it stings. I'm crashing. I'm falling. I'm so damaged. I'm so hurt. I want everyone to call me and see how I'm doing, yet I only have one friend that is still sticking around. I'm so destroyed. I'm sorry. |
Hi Manda
something I learned the hard way was that sometimes people are withdrawing not because they dont care...but sometimes because they care too much..... and they just cant handle the turmoil that they feel when they seem helpless to solve someone else's pain. so they hide from it not to feel it. I know it hurts when they do that....but it isnt you they are rejecting...it is the feelings they cant cope with.:o I so hope you will keep talking here...the members of this forum have a care and compassion that is truly remarkable.:grouphug: I know they will help you through this hard time. I hope and pray something special comes your way to remind you that you are loved and appreciated:hug: |
Hey little sis,
I think we struggle at nights because we have less activities and less distractions to keep us away of our problems... So, try to keep you entertained at nights... Paint, draw, watch tv, listen music, read... Or, simply, try to sleep, but try to stop thinking and re-thinking because that will make you anxious and or sad... Now, if people "who loves you" leave when you are struggling or having problems, they simply dont love you at all... That's my humble opinion. Just leave them go... as they probably arent good friends or good companion... Remember God always remove bad people from our ways at some point in our lives... If they really and truly love you, they will understand you were in a crisis and will be back next to you :) That has happened to me with friends... My real friends understand my depression problems and help me getting out of them or at least, they have patience :) Some, the ones who didnt understand have left and probably they liked me, but didnt love me and at this point in my life, I prefer one or two friends that love me than 100 that like me only when im happy and without problems... So ! I typed a lot and in my phone ! Now my hands feel tired so, I will stop here, but dont worry, the ones that need to be back to you, will be back to you :hug: Love ya ! |
In answer to your question... I can tell you only about my experience...
I've never had many friends... When things hit rock bottom for me... I had 3 or 4 friends. I had many aquaintances... Today... one of my friends called and invited me out for ice cream... another one called me just to chat, and a third recently emailed me in what I believe to be an attempt to reconnect... now mind you... these are the friends that told me to go away. So.. Yes, it can happen. Seems one of them has let the others know in some way how I am doing.... Am I weary of them... YES. I don't want to feel that kind of hurt again. I have built up major walls around my heart... for self preservation... I wish you peace tonight so that you may rest and be ready for your first day on the job... who knows... maybe the person you are searching for will find you there... but know... it usually happens when you quit searching. :hug: Abbie |
Quote "I'm sinking again. I don't know why I do okay in the morning and then become so vulnerable to my thoughts in the evening."
At the star of a day the mind and body is techniquely more able too cope, as the day goes on and if your not eating enough, or drinknig enough water your body and mind begins to naturaly tire. This is when we naturaly feel more vulnerable. Eating regularly, drinking 5-8 glassess of H2O and if you can find the strength exercise...it helps to strengthen you holisticaly... I'm no doctor...its just an observation but i notice you said you are taking prozac. WARNING http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100002193.htmlI Depression and other psychiatric illnesses are associated with an increased risk of suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and suicide. You should be aware that this medicine may not start to make you feel better for at least two to four weeks. However, it is important that you keep taking it in order for it to work properly and for you to feel better. If you feel your depression or anxiety has got worse, or if you have any distressing thoughts, or feelings about suicide or harming yourself in these first few weeks, or indeed at any point during treatment or after stopping treatment, then it is very important to talk to your doctor. I WAS PRESCRIBED THIS TABLET 15 YEARS AGO AND IT SENT ME BARKING MAD and lead me to my attempted Suicide...this does not mean it will have the same effect on others...but if your feeling lower than usual, speak to your doctor and tell them your darkest thoughts....there are other meds in the same group that have less hairy side effects....im on Sertraline[Zolfot] which by the way has good results on OCD.... BUT DONT STOP TAKING THE PROZAC...speak to your Dr before ending any meds............. David |
Good morning sister :hug:
I see that others agree that you are a great person:) and like I said great things can not and should not be rushed. I can be honest and say my friends I had before my accident well I do NOT have one of them as a friend today. it ticked me off and burned it confused me. what changed ?why? did they think i was going to get lots of $$from settlement but i didnt , I got t.n. and a.d. ( t.n. is considered/called a suicide illness) and I got depression and suicidal but being honest here again ...the friends I have made since are the best people I have ever met! my best dear pal is like a friend I never had . when things like that happen you become a better person you learn you grow..and we are all here for you Manda because we have all been or are going threw that ourselves. and finally I want you to know the lot of us are thinking of you today sending positive thoughts and wishing you a great day at your new job may today be filled with good things . :grouphug: PEACE BMW |
((Manda)) I am sorry I am late welcoming you to our family. Welcome:hug:
I am also sorry to hear you are having such a tough time right now. But what made me smile was how you can see you are the type of person to not give up. You may get down, we all do, but you keep searching for that silver lining. We are all "works in progress" please be kind to yourself while you blossom into a masterpiece :) :hug: I can relate to many things you have posted.... trying to remember all I read:o. Like ((BMW)) I have TN and ON and other neurological difficulties. I had just turned 31 when I was diagnosed. I had my dream job, friends galore and the love of my family. Life was good. And I was too naive to see it could all change literally over night. After each failed brain surgery, each failed procedure, each new hope dashed.... slowly but surely all my friends stopped calling and coming to see me. There wasn't a cure, I wasn't going to get better, there was nothing they could do to help me. I think, after awhile, it was just too much for them, too depressing. I don't have any resentments now, but at the time it hurt like hell. My husband has Alzheimer's, in the beginning he still knew people, but repeated himself over and over and over. Once again, I saw life long friends - pull away. It is so hard to see, but for him, for the injustice of it, I do hold resentments against them. Right or wrong... I do.:o. I know in time, I will let go of those resentments. I do believe most people are kind and do the best they can with what they have. Friends, they come and go. Some stay forever, hang onto them and appreciate them for they gift they are. . I think you are right to follow the advice from all our wise members..loving yourself is key. Be the best friend you can to yourself. :hug: My mom has a saying I like.... "No matter where you go, there you are." It isn't the people, the friends, the boyfriends, spouses .... who make us "ok". We have to be comfortable in our own skin. There just is no running away from you...I know I tried ;). I looked at your pictures, they are beautiful! Your picture of you and your Dad and your post about him...made me cry. Quote:
((Mandy)) It takes great courage to talk about our private pain. It took guts for you to post and share your feelings with us. THANK YOU for giving us the chance to support you:hug: I truly look forward to getting to know more about you. Keep talking Mandy :hug: Best of luck at your new job today!:hug:Nikki |
i'm sorry.
i'm trying. it's not working. i'm not strong enough. i don't want to talk to anyone i know. i'm cancelling my cell phone. i can't take people right now. cursed faces. cracked smiles. "I jumped in the river and what did I see? Black-eyed angels swam with me A moon full of stars and astral cars All the things I used to see All my lovers were there with me All my past and futures And we all went to heaven in a little row boat There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt" |
I awoke, only to find my lungs empty
Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be And I'm Breaking Down I think I'm breaking down And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me Such as living with the uncertainties That I'll never find the words to say Which would completely explain Just how I'm breaking down Someone come, Someone come and save my life Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead But now its like the night is taking up sides With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind Could it be? This misery will suffice I've become, the simple souvenir of someone's KILL Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill Madness fills my heart and soul As if the great divide could swallow me whole Oh, how I'm breaking down |
i'm sorry i cannot be any support to bluemajo or anyone.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. |
Hi Manda!!
I know things seem very odd or even bad right now... I truly understand. Please hang in there.. don't give up on your family or friends. I know, it feels as though they have given up on you. You need to be strong even though you don't want to or think you can. I believe you are much stonger than you believe you are... You have many people here who care. If you take it once step at a time... get the help you need... be it medicines or therapy or both... you'll be surprised how many friends will come out of hiding... and how many new friends you will find. People will see that you care about you... I know you may not feel this way...but I can see that you do... you wouldn't have reached out here if you didn't care. Keep talking with us... We care!!! :hug: Abbie P.S... how was the first day of work??? |
Manda, you have a message on your private page....:hug::hug:sssssss
|
My... I was anxious to reply and my bloody internet connection sucks !!! :mad:
Ok, finally here Im... Manda, sis, calm down. Dont worry, dont feel sorry... What happened ? Why are you feeling this bad ? Something wrong at work ? Perhaps you are just stressed... I tend to feel worse when I sum to my problems the stress of school... Write me anytime and tell me what happened when you feel like telling me. Lots of love. :hug: :hug: :hug: |
i unfortunately don't have any answers. work was actually great. but i find that i busy myself with external things even though internal things aren't ok. i put a smile on, i meet some nice people, but at the end of the day i come home to me. i sleep with me. i wake up to me.
anger is going to come out, so i apologize for swearing, but i have to. i think about the ******* ex boyfriend that totally screwed with my mind. this guy that told me for 6 years that he loved me. and then we broke up. but we still hung out. we were in my bedroom once just watching funny videos on my laptop and he pushed me down on my bed and said "i want to rape you." followed by "this is how long i'm going to rape you for." he didn't. but how can someone who used to love me say those things to me? he tried to say he didn't mean it like that. he thought i was into it. but after 6 years don't you know that someone is definitely not into it? especially since we didn't have the most physical relationship...how did someone go from loving me to hating me and wanting to see me in pain? this was in december and i'm still suffering (on top of the suffering i have from anxiety, depression and OCD....now these three things are focused on this ******* comments to me). i saw him a month ago. we kissed (i don't know why i'm such a ******* idiot) and at the end of our little encounter i said to him "i don't think we're impossible." he said, "i don't think we are either. i don't think we're that far off. but you seem to be doing some good things for yourself and i don't want to complicate things. but let me know when your number changes when you move and let's keep in touch." 3 days later i found out he has a girlfriend. a month passed and i didn't hear from him. then i saw him and said "well, i guess so much for being friends....and oh, i can't believe you cheated on your current gf." he responded saying that he's in love with her and happy with her. wtf? he cheated on her. am i missing something? he says that it's just old feelings left over...that's it? i'm dismissed as old feelings? wtf. now all i think about is this jerk being happy. this new gf doesn't even know what the hell he's done. i'm just so ****** up over this and my mind doesn't allow me to let go. i know this sounds like typical boy-girl problems, but i hope you realize it's more than that. there's the ******* rape comments he made to me that just completely mess with me....and then there's the OCD part. i just can't believe he said "i don't want to complicate things" when really he should have said "i have a gf." sorry. i'm ******. and frustrated. and want these thoughts to go away. i don't know how to win against them. i'm sorry. |
Try not to think...
Try to think life and God know he wasnt the right person for you... I know it sounds difficult, even impossible, but it is true... In April, "the man of my dreams" got married... After 4 years of us being like brothers, like the best friends ever... I was so in love with him, he was my only motivation, my only happiness... And when I found out he was enganged, gosh, I felt sad, frustrated, angry, silly, lonely, trash, miserable, I lost my dreams, my motivation in this life... I got sick, all my "hidden" illness came out because of this crisis... I used to take 13 pills a day (no kidding), I just wanted to die... I was all day in bed... Everybody kept telling me that I should keep the faith and I only could see a dark tunnel... Even last month, I was still suffering... Now, believe it or not, I laugh... I mean, sometimes I still cry remembering our good times... When we travelled together... When we chatted all day long... When we hugged and helped each other... I feel nostalgic sometimes still BUT I have understood he wasnt the right person for me... I feel lonely and sad and worry about me never finding a partner, but thats another matter... So, with time, you will understand what happened in this situation with your ex... :) Try to apply the 40 steps you posted... At least, that one that says "will this be important in 5 years ?" I wouldnt say 5 years, I would say 1 year... :D Im glad to read you enjoyed your job ! Try to think about that ! :) Who knows, a better bf might arrive from there :) :D :hug: |
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