I think I've given up
 

Ever since I stopped deluding myself about the loyalty of my friend, I've stopped having any positive thought about my life. I think I've given up on any hope of happiness. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to go out and do things, I don't want a better job or more money. I just want to sit here and do nothing and not have to have any direct contact with anyone.

This is the best I can do. This is the happiest I'll ever be. I'll be sad and alone forever, and God willing, forever won't be very long. I get up, go to work, come home, do nothing, go to sleep. That's all I've got left. If I'm feeling really energenic I might play a computer game for a few minutes. I'll watch other people have lives, I just don't want one anymore.

I'm sorry I can't be happy. I'm sorry I can't give anything back to you for listening to me whine all the time. I'm sorry I can't help anyone else. I can barely focus long enough to read. No one should listen to my advice anyway. All I can do is feel sad when someone else is sad, and hope that maybe God will make them feel a little better because I'm hurting for them.

I won't commit suicide, that would be giving me something that I really want, at the expence of the few people that would notice. And since I don't want to make anyone's life worse, I'll sit here and suffer so they won't have to. I've soehow managed to survive the pain of living for so long already, I guess I can do it some more. I won't be selfish, I'll keep hurting so others won't, even though they'll never notice I'm suffering for them.

Now
 

Lonely1 I hate it that you are so unhappy. I don't know what to say to you. Does it matter that so many of us care about you?

tl1

I don't get on here often but feel compelled to reply to your post. You have no idea how much you "give back". Just the mere fact that you are in this community gives back so much!!! I love reading your posts you are so supportive!

I understand the feeling of being lonely....how can I be surrounded by so many people and still feel so ALONE.

I'm not sure if you are "talking" to a professional, but if you are not I hope you will give it some consideration. You are a wonderful person and I just wish you could believe that about yourself!!:grouphug::grouphug:

Please hang in there..........

Dottie

Barbo, of course it helps that people here care about me, it's the only thing that gets me by sometimes.

Jaded I wish I could see that about myself too, and no I'm not seeing any professionals; I can't afford it anyway. Plus I'm bad at talking to people, that's why I come here, where I don't actually have to talk, and it's all anonymous. Besides, like I said, I think I've given up; I have no desire to try anymore.

Thanks for the words and the thoughts though...

thelonely1
I wrote this for you my friend



My every waking day is lonely

No friends I have to name

Every day the same thing

Everything the same.



I did not choose this lifestyle

I crave to change my way

But life is so damn empty

What day is it now today?



The keys in my head that lock my mind

Play loudly in my head

They clank and jingle as they lock out the world

And make all human contact dead.



I will only conquer solitude,

If I open up the door

And show the world in full.

What I was like before.



I must cast aside my fragile thoughts

Of pain, hurt, and rejection

And canvas hard and meet the crowd

And try to win election.



Friends won’t always defeat loneliness

They won’t always be around

But if I like myself, and walk alone

My feet are, firmly on the ground.



I must cast off this cloak of isolation

And go out and venture boldly

Smile at my own insecurities,

And treat remoteness coldly.



I’m only alone if I choose to be

I must remind my mind of that

Today I’ll be a different man

And wear a different hat.



If I close my eyes and imagine a life

I can invent my life from thoughts

I can be anything I want to be

With a pay check full of noughts.



I’m the master of my destiny

The captain of my ship

I will see loneliness as temporary

As just a little blip.



I am only lonely if I choose to be

This mantra will set me free

And when people choose not to interact

I will smile knowing the rejection was not from me.



I will hurt no more from solitude

And now treat it as my friend

Because I know for sure.

I like myself, and I’m not as lonely as before.



I will beat this trap I have fallen in

Come Winter Spring or Fall

And I will spend my life just listening

To other lonely people: when they call.



David:hug:
ps. Use the key and unlock your mind, and the world will seem less obscure.

WOW DMAC . No words to follow ... lovely reply .
I wanted to say in an odd way sometimes if we stop trying to find something.. when we stop trying to make something happen, when we stop trying to see..... that is when thing happen ...that is when we see ...that is when we find things and things find us!!
Thinking of you Lonely1
:grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

Just wanted to leave you a hug Lonely1. :hug:

http://www.happiness-project.com/hap..._sometime.html

*********************

Thank you DMACK for the wonderful poem.

The sad thing is, I really was trying this time. I was trying to be different, to change, to think differently... but it never mattered, I'm still someone who is tolerated out of politeness and pity. Once they stop feeling guilty, they stop tolerating me.

And I just can't try anymore; it takes so much time and effort and energy and money,then in the end all I get is dissapointment and rejection. It's not worth it. I've been trying for so long, and things are only getting worse.

I hope that BMW is right and something finds me

Hey my (wish you weren't)lonley friend!

I truly hope you're going to pull out of this slump... and altho you have said it many times that you can't afford the help, I truly believe that if you were to find a caring doctor, they would have a way to help you with affording medication for your depression.

Surely where you live there is a drop in place to reach out and get the help you need.

I apologize if you've heard this all before... but if you truly believe you can change your life... well, then... you can!

I speak only of what I know.

I really do care! Addy:hug:

Lonely in my area we have what is called the Allen group ..you can go to the health clinic (it is where you apply for food stamps and get doctors care for low income and such) they only charge what a person can afford to pay and allot of times that is nothing.. no charge ..to see and talk to a professional .
after my accident I used them for a bit until another talk doc agreed to take a legal I.O.U. from my lawyer . since my jaw was wired shut and talking was very painful I wrote most of my stuff in a note book or on paper and just handed them my written thoughts .
I do not know if they have anything like that where you are but it wouldnt hurt to check into it.
:grouphug:

dont try to be what you THINK OTHERS want you to be ! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS around you think , dont worry about the reaction of others..JUST BE YOU!!YOU ARE A CARING WISE PERSON! WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!!!!