I've fallen. And I can't get up.
 

A comment mom made tonight got me riled... it was nothing bad or disparaging, and in fact something true. Just something i needed not to think about right now let alone spar over with her. After my blood stopped boiling, i like sank.

i could not enjoy the evening movie. i set to watch a late movie and ignored it. i played a game and didn't get into it. Tried more research, trying to "keep rolling" but i didn't roll far. Took a break and read the threads - best i could do was thank things for lack of words and thought. I tried doing a couple art designs - quit... like creativity what's that.

I feel so pathetic i bet if there were a mosquito in the room it probably wouldn't even take my blood.

it has been about 5 hours now since that comment and i feel the same, perhaps a bit worse.

I had a glass of liquorous wine earlier which didn't phase me. benzo cross tolerance. tshhh!

I want a stiff drink. Options very limited. Tempted to crack open that sealed bottle of baileys i was to save for next year (long story), and make myself a strong IRISH coffee. For the first time in a very long long time, i think i actually *WANT* to get *DRUNK*?? ...or at least a good bit UN*SOBER. maybe i just want to feel something?

i feel like a heap of moose dung... and I don't think moose dung "feels" (perhaps a bit moosey/mousse-y).

:( :thud: :(

Oh waves, I am so sorry, sometimes people around us say things without thinking, they might forget it, but the impact of their thoughtless spoken words effect us and HURT us deeply for a long time after the air has stopped moving from their breath to speak them. :( I am so sorry. I am sure she didn't mean anything by it, but bringing it up obviously bothered you greatly. If you need to talk we're here....

Irish Coffee
 

I cracked the Baileys.

Having an Irish Coffee now. double strength lolsigh.

:o:rolleyes::cool:

~ waves ~ of confusion

i don't get it
 

Hi Pammie :hug:

Thanks so much for replying. I guess i am quite confounded by my inability to bounce back. because i was ok before, and have been stable/good recently.

like i said mom didn't say anything i didn't know or anything hurtful or disparaging to me at all. just something i didn't want to be thinking about let alone arguing over. i did get really riled... and she did stop.

but you know that feeling like when your stomach slowly slides down your body and ends up in a puddle at your feet? well, after being really riled, and after that dissipated (took maybe a half hour - i had quite some adrenaline but was not obsessing), after that i did not return to being "ok" as i was before... instead my stomach went on that fateful voyage... yes, i feel emotionally gutted.

i just don't get it. :confused: and i want out of it. :(

~ waves ~

Sorry about what you have going on. If it's any consolation nobody can rile me up like my Mom can :-(

I hope you can enjoy your drink and relax. Maybe just postpone thinking about all this until the morning. Sorry if this is terrible advice but sometimes that's what I have to do. :Heart:

Hey Butterfly, :):hug:

Thanks... and perhaps a good idea not to sit and ponder why i'm "stuck" like this tonight... maybe just accept it for right now, and call tomorrow another day. go from there.

the irish coffee was good. might go for seconds but feeling lazy about prepping it - tempted to have baileys straight even though i enjoy that less? maybe i could try warming some by itself... ha.

lazy waves. wonder if i could sleep instead.

~ waves ~ who shouldn't be drinking at all... :o

I am glad she stopped, but I just wish it hadn't gotten you so agitated waves, I know how discomforting it is to deal with confrontation of any kind. I am really sorry. Thinking of you and hoping you'll be able to sleep soon. :hug:

Sending you hugs Waves

In my life I think sometimes its just the way life is. For my mom to try
and rile her daughters up.

Donna:hug::grouphug::grouphug:

HI waves, I love baileys glad that you were able to have some....maybe even warmed?
I hope that you are asleep by now and will feel better tomorrow.
know that we love you and send warm thoughts your way.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Hi Pam,

yes... our emotional intensity is greater, perhaps it is just a question of that. confrontations are matter of fact in this household though... i deal with them daily andthensom. this was different. i've gotten angry before, but once calmer, i am ok again. this was different, because i had a mood crash. it was quite out of the blue to me. not typical.

i'm going to take Butterfly's advice and let it be what it is for now. and see tomorrow. i've learned with migraines that there is an automatic tendency to fight the pain. Even just resisting, manifests in physical tension, which augments the pain. but if we can retrain that tendency and allow the pain to flow through... it is better. why is simple : fighting the pain, even just mentally so maybe by analogy, i will be better off just acceptng this flatness, fighting it has not helped and wil become distress if i keep it up.

well i "cheated" and carefully warmed some straight baileys in the microwave, on defrost. wow, it was potent i ended up add diluting it with my bedside water ... no more warmth.

when this takes hold i definitely should be able to sleep. hey if not there's the rest of the bottle. or an ativan at this point. i'm up at night because i've been sleeping in the day - not due to agitation which is long gone. i have felt only limp and blah and ... flat, for the past several hours. :(

tomorrow is another day.
maybe it will go away.

~ waves ~ sleey now. night nith. thank you@