sickness....despair.....apologies
 

Since August, if I logged in, that was as far as I got - logging in. I then immediately fell asleep. I would wake up hours later with my fingers poised on the keyboard. I am not even sure if I tried to do that much after September or October.

To those who have attempted (sometimes repeatedly) to reach me by phone, email, card, pm or carrier pigeon, your concerns astound and overwhelm me. I am not worthy of such kindness especially when none of the correspondence was returned.

I was not able to return your generosity. In the beginning, it was simply a matter of time. There just were not enough hours in the day. Now, I am either too numb, too depressed, too apathetic towards life or a combination of all three.

My father got sick in August and after much suffering, passed away on Thanksgiving Day. It’s a long, long story but I was there every single minute that I could be while still trying to maintain my full time job. Thank God for understanding bosses and clients. I used nearly seven weeks of vacation and over 90 hours of sick time to be there for him and we lost. It was all for nothing. I gave up everything and nearly forsook my husband and everyone else and it was for nothing. In the end, he took his last breath with me holding his hand and my head lying on his shoulder.

I am beyond devastated. I cannot quit crying. I know everyone says it takes time.....

Anyway, I am attempting my way back and I wanted to start by apologizing to those who must be wondering what they did to me for me to ignore them so. I am sorry. Someday, I hope I can try to make it up to you.

I truly am so, so sorry..... and this is all I can manage for now.

Awwwww, you poor thing. :hug: I'm so sorry about you losing your dear father. What a lucky man he was to have such a devoted daughter as you, Carolina. :hug:

I hope you will continue to post. As you surely know, there are so many caring and compassionate people here.

God bless you for being there for your dear Dad. What a special man he must have been. I hope you will tell us about him sometime. :hug::hug::hug:

Carolina,

One thing I have learned around here is you never have to apologize. We all have been through rough times and although they may not be exactly like yours, the folks here are very caring. Keep us updated and remember we are here for you. Take care of yourself. :hug:

For nothing? No! One of the greatest gifts God gave me was the time I spent caring for my Dad over his last weeks of life. My prayer that I could be with Dad as he passed was answered, and he took his last breath in my arms. I will never, ever regret those hours. It was a privilege for me, and a gift of respect to him.

Of course you are physically and emotionally drained. Give yourself some time to refill your body and soul. It won't happen overnight, but one morning you will wake up and feel "not quite as bad as yesterday", and you will know the healing process has begun.

You are in my prayers.

Carolina, I was saddened to read about your father's passing, and I am so darn sorry! I wish there was something more I could say, but please know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as always. :hug:

If there's anything I can do, any words that you need to hear... you know that you can count on me!

If you feel you owe anyone an aoplogy please try not to worry about it. I'm sure those people will understand in the circumstances.....what are friends for, if not to forgive?

Sending you love and my heartfelt condolences.....

I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this right now :hug:. I really hope things get better for you soon and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I lost my grandad on the 22nd November and it is so hard for all of us. He passed away from Pneumonicosis (sp?) and some type of Pneumonia. It was so hard as one minute he was fine and the next, he was gone. If you ever want someone to talk to, I am here for you - please feel free to drop me a PM as I do understand some of what you are going through :hug:.

Take care and know that you are in my thoughts.

:hug: Carolina :hug: It's soooo good to see a post from you but I'm so sorry for all that you've been going through.

I'm so sorry about your Dad.....it's so hard to lose a parent. Like you, I spent every day with my Dad before he passed away and was with him the moment he left us. It was the hardest thing I ever did but I'll never regret it and I hope you won't either. Your Dad wasn't alone when he left this world...you were with him....and that alone is worth everything you sacrificed in order to be there for him. Believe me, I can so relate to all this...if you ever need to just talk PM me and I'll send you my phone number.

You owe no apoloogies, either. I'm just glad you posted and let us know what's been going on in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray that things will get a little easier for you each day. :hug:

I so agree with B2U, not for nothing! I had three weeks with my Dearest Grandmother. I, as you, spent every minute possible with her but I only had three weeks. I was there holding her hand and hugging her with the other when she passed. I will never forget those last few weeks, days, minutes I had with her. I also feel it was a privilege to be with her when she passed. Those are feelings / memories I will never forget.

I know you are hurting, it has been 12 years for my DGM passed and I still miss her dearly every single day. It has only been a couple of weeks for you, let time heal your heart and soul.

:hug:

sorry to hear about your Father :hug: remember he is always near you, in your heart, always

hope you get to feeling better soon

ahhhh, :hug: Carolina...

I missed you.

the pain will become less in time, I promise.

:grouphug:

we're here for you.