Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman..... Over the phone.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris .

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... All of which are poisonous.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris .

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Allent--are you SURE this is about Chuck Norrris?! Kinda sounds like our "Governator", Arnie!!!

Enjoying the jokes immensely!!!!!!

Brokenwings

That is soooo true!

Im gonna change everything to Arnold the govenator! Hahahahaha!

He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard ...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right.
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer.
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked
the **** out of him ...

Like his mama used to do.

.................................................. ................................

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from
California if:

1.
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are
visible.

2.
You make over $300, 000 and still can't afford a
house.

3.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in
English

4.
Your child's 3rd-grad e teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named
Flower.

5.
You
can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6.
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

7.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and
you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8.
You
can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9.
A really great parking space can totally move you to
tears.

10.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere
else in the U.S.

11.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house
payment.

13.
You
can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14.
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM
WATCH."

15 .
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with
their cells or pagers.

16.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to
avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17.
HEY!!!!
Is pot illegal????

18.
Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic
surgeons.

19.
The
Terminator is your governor.


20.
If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here
illegally, they want to give you one

.................................................. ...........................................

Like him or hate him, this is funny.


The War Department briefed the President this morning. They told Bush that 2 Brazilian solders were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.

Afterwhile thefirst fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over

Toyour placeSaturday and make love to your wife while you

Was off huntin',and she gotpregnant and had a baby,

Wouldthat make us kin?"


The second fellow crooked his head sideways for aminute,scratched hishead,

And squinted his eyes like he was thinkingreal hardabout thequestion.


Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

Two drunks were watching TV when a news brief came on saying that they would tell about a man jumping off of a 10 story building on the 11 O'clock news.

The first drunk said, "I'll bet you 10 dollars he jumps, the second drunk says I'll bet 10 dollars he doesn't.

When the 11 O'clock news came on the man jumped off of the 10 story building killing himself. The first drunk said, " Here's your 10 dollars, I watched the 5 O'clock news and I knew he'd jump, the second drunk said that's ok, you keep it, I watched the 5 O'clock news too. I just didn't think the fool would jump twice.

Ada

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in.

Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in. "Yes, that's right. The fee is $200. Yes, I'll expect you ten past two. Alright. No later. I'm a very busy man."

He hung up and turned to the man waiting. "May I help you?"

"No," said the man, "I just came in to install the phone."
.................................................. ..............................................

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient.

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
.................................................. ..................................................

Judy rushed in to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
.................................................. .................................................. ....


A woman went to doctors the office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the State Capitals. She said go ahead ask me any state you want to and I can tell you the Capital of it.

The friend said ok Wyoming. The blonde said oh that's easy, W.

2 blondes were driving down the road and saw another blonde rowing a boat through a wheatfield. One said she's one of the reason's blondes get a bad rep for being dumb. The other one said, " yeah, If I could swim, I'd swim over there and drown her.

How does Micheal Jackson pick his nose?

Out of a catalog in the Surgeon's office.


Why did the blonde get fired at the M and M factory.

She kept throwing away the WW's

How do you keep a blonde confused in an MM factory? Tell her to alphebetise them. How does she confuse you? When she says she did it.

How do you keep a blonde confused?

Take a piece of paper and write "turn over" on both sides of it".

Two blonds are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''

The other blond covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''