[chaos]

I feel kind of weird lately, an emotional roller coaster. Unfortunately DH plays a big part in this. My period also started two weeks early. It's been off since I started the Oxcarbazepine.

The 24th DH went to the hot springs. Fine, DD and I will spend the day together. The sun was shining and I think it hit 70 degrees. I went outside and harvested all of the green bean seeds from the dead plants, pulled out some dead stuff from the garden. I had to be careful, and stopped and sat often, but got a lot done. The sun and movement was really good for me.

I got a letter from the insurance company that they have approved my pain pump! Awesome.

Made cookies. DD helped a little. They came out perfect.

DH then didn't come home. He had a 24 hr pass so I figured he'd stay the night, fine. Well, woke up the morning of the 25th with a text saying he would be late, be there late aftn. That's not okay because I told him I wanted to spend the day with him. We don't celebrate Christmas (we do Yule on the 21st), but I saw everybody saying stuff on FB about all the stuff they were doing and it kind of got me down.

I spent all day in a funk. DD wouldn't do a darn thing I asked her to. DH didn't come home until after I went to sleep. He was super late and all I could think of is that he got eaten by a mountain lion or got killed by a hippie at the hot springs. I know, crazy, but when he doesn't communicate with me my mind wanders. Where he was out is out of range of phones.

At some point I broke down crying. I made lunch that DD wouldn't eat. I made more cookies that didn't turn out right. I thought about calling somebody but I didn't want to bring down their Christmas.

This morning I'm at work. I feel horrible, emotionally. I woke up this morning and told DH I felt like punching him (which I'd never do). He read all the text messages I sent him the night before and was upset with me. Cause that's how it always is, he doesn't communicate, I get mad and then it's all my fault somehow. No huge fight or anything, but the depression from yesterday is still here. The fact he can't do a damn thing for me around the holidays is still here.

The huge bright spot here is that I'm getting a pain pump. Hopefully once that goes in I'll be able to move around more and feel a little more normal.

We're going to go to Vegas on MLK weekend. My brother is taking DD to see a Harlem Globetrotters game, so he's going to take her for the weekend and give us some time for us. It always helps a ton to give us time alone. We obviously really, really, really need it.