Hello everyone,

I was wondering if any of you feel guilt shame or embarrassment about not being able to cope with pain without the use of medications. I've been really struggling with this. Like many of you, I grew up being told to "buck up" or being told pain was a sign of weakness. Up until the ugly beast of CRPS II entered my life I think I handled pain and rehab with that mindset.. now though all that has changed and I can no longer fight it on my own. Well.. I could but life would be sheer misery and the mental effects would become evident quickly.

In the beginning I was only taking opiates when pain was out of control to the point I was thinking more about amputation than anything else. Then my doctor talked me into starting on a low continuous dose supplied via patch. I was reluctant but finally gave in and I was amazed at how much a difference it made. Prior to using the patch I had started to really withdraw from friends & family because just the thought of trying to hide my pain for even a couple hours became torturous. Wincing/crying behind closed doors kept anyone else from seeing my "weakness". I also found it so frustrating just thinking about trying to explain to someone how even placing a piece of paper on my leg felt like a torch or heaven forbid someone try to hug me.. would they see the look on my face if they inadvertently brushed my legs/hip area? And if they did.. the rest of the day was going to be very hard.. this just added to my anxiety and fear. With the use of the patch along with all the other items in my pain tool box things became a little easier..

Then the weather changed and my pain has skyrocketed and no matter what I try it just doesn't stop. I'm limping again with every step, cringing and clenching my teeth throughout the day because the sensitivity is so bad..
So my doctor recommended increasing the dose in the patch. I am scared, ashamed and full of guilt that I am even considering doing this. My fear comes from worrying that at the rate things are going I'm going to be a medicated zombie in short order. The shame and guilt come from my upbringing and also from knowing that people don't understand and I'm sure wonder why I can't handle it. Its been mentioned on many threads how difficult it is when we "look" fine from the outside. I'm generally not the type to worry what anyone else thinks but this is becoming more of issue in the daily mental fight with this. On the outside I look very fit & athletic but on the inside I am just barely hangn' on.

Sorry for the rambling.. but I was wondering if anyone else can relate and if so how do you deal with it?

Thank you for listening!
Tessa