[Sylmeister]

My mom died Sunday and that is just the icing on the cake. It's a triple layer stress cake. Health concerns like everyone here are the first layer, and it would almost be easy if it was just RSD and not the laundry list that follows. Of course what ticks me off the most about the RSD, is that before it, I was hypothyroid and that had burned itself out, so that my medication and symptoms were stable. I won't go into detail about what's wrong now besides RSD because we all have a list. It SUCKS to have a list. Maybe I should be grateful because there are things I will never be able to add to my list, like erectile dysfunction and prostate cancer. So that's a good thing? Right?

Next layer is The damned government. I know we are one of many, many, many families that have been in a bad place these last several weeks. I say several, because there is that period where the threats hit the media and you start to fashion a band aid for your household budget and bill. You only buy one bag of coffee beans, even though they are $2.00 a pound cheaper this week, which means that when they are regular price again, you will have to pay it, because you couldn't risk spending cash on 3-4 bags of beans like you usually do when they are on sale. Then factor that out to everything else that involves money, in your lives. This went on so long that we actually refinanced one of our vehicles to lessen the note, Because our regular bank was offering two months forgiveness with no late fees or fines. The bank that holds my husbands loan was offering nothing, so we refinanced. We did so for two reasons... 1, if this continues, it would would make a huge difference to not have a car note for two months. 2, it's become apparent that this will continue happening 2 or more times a year. We need to be ready for the next furlough or sequester. Twice this year, my husband has been furloughed. The first time his hours cut, this time he worked but did not get paid. I know they put a band aid on it tonight, but having to make all the arrangements to go to my mother's funeral was bad enough without the financial fears and without being forced to put all expenses on a credit card. Now I leave tomorrow and my husband can not come with me because still, until they get official word, he can not take sick leave or annual leave...etc. so I am flying alone which I've done before but it's exhausting and the only flight I could get into New Orleans that was under $1000 and would put me in town for the funeral, arrives TH at 11 PM, the funeral and burial start at 9:30 in the AM and then I leave NO the next morning at 8 AM. I usually need about two weeks after travel before my days normalize, this trip alone without the emotional aspects will be hell to pull off.

But hey, Congress signed off on the band aid, so I shouldn't have to stress over that... Except that the next shutdown and debt ceiling party is already scheduled, so now we need to buckle down and not spend, so that we have more cash on hand to survive the next one. I will literally have 10-12 hours of awake time to get through a visitation, funeral mass and then a burial and actually see my brothers and sisters and family friends. I've not yet been to my fathers grave because of a similar timing issue when he died a few years ago. Just thinking about going to his grave is more than I can bare right now. I am a hugely emotional person, not dramatic at all, but I feel other people's pain and joy and my own is intense. I hate that my illness is so heavily affected by intense emotion and it is scaring me because I know I will have so much physical pain to deal with getting through this and for a while after I get back home. I already had to cancel a neurological appointment scheduled for tomorrow, that I've been waiting months to get in to. Then I have lab work and two other doctor appointments next week, that I have to get through, right after I get home.

I need to try to get through the next 3 days with little emotion as possible. I know I shouldn't allow myself to dread what might happen, with the travel and during the day Friday but I can't help it. I can't even think to pack and I wish I didn't have to cancel that appointment, that is bothering me a lot that I had to do that but it's probably not OK to say that or anything to anyone in my family about how difficult the physical aspects of this trip will be, are or were. The grief I feel now is nothing to what I know I will feel when I get there. How could it be.