I don't know if I can do it again

theoneRogue420 · 05-15-2007, 04:55 AM

Well, my aids labwork came back from the Dr.'s office. The news is not good.

My viral load is up, and my T-cells are way down. This means that they want to start me back on aids meds... and I don't think I can do it again.

Aids meds can cause severe peripheral neuropathy, so of course an rsd patient is almost guaranteed to get PN. When you add that on to rsd, the pain becomes unbearable. I thought rsd was bad enough... but add these meds to it, and life becomes "not worth living". To top it all off, I get way too big a dose of the meds. They don't have "weight-based" dosages, Michael at 235 lbs gets the same meds I do at 90 lbs. That's basically triple the meds, triple the side effects. They won't allow you to cut pills in half, either.

I'm not even sure why I am telling you all this, to be honest. No one here understands or can do anything about it, of course. I'm just tired of doing this alone. Michael is the most wonderful man I have ever known, and he's here for me 100%.... but I can only whine to him so much. It hurts him too much to see me in that kind of pain, which makes me have to be that much stronger and quiet about it. I got aids from him, so he feels guilty, even though I don't hold him responsible...I already had rsd when we met. I knew what I was getting into with Michael, and it was MY decision to be with him. It's a choice I have never regretted... he has been worth it, to say the least.

I just don't think I can do it again, not even for him and my sons. They're all grown ups, and will survive without me. But if I have to start taking these meds again, there will be no "quality of life". I can see no point in being a pain-riddled lump, incapable of doing anything for myself, while dragging Michael down. I don't want my sons to see me like that, either. It's not just the pain... I might be able to deal with that if it weren't for all the other aids symptoms. But to be sitting on the toilet having diarrhea while holding a trash can under your mouth to throw up in, and in horrendous pain the whole time... well, I think you can see my point here.

I have had every pet I ever cared about put to sleep when the time was right. I felt I owed them that... do I owe myself anything less?

I am NOT going to off myself right now, rest assured. That is not something I would do on the spur of the moment, plus I have definate ideas where and how it will happen. Spokane isn't the place... there aren't any redwood trees, for starters.

But I really am almost out of options and the strength it would take to go through this again.

Thanks for being my sounding board, folks. Sometimes a person just needs to vent.

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