[chaos]

I feel kind of weird lately, an emotional roller coaster. Unfortunately DH plays a big part in this. My period also started two weeks early. It's been off since I started the Oxcarbazepine.

The 24th DH went to the hot springs. Fine, DD and I will spend the day together. The sun was shining and I think it hit 70 degrees. I went outside and harvested all of the green bean seeds from the dead plants, pulled out some dead stuff from the garden. I had to be careful, and stopped and sat often, but got a lot done. The sun and movement was really good for me.

I got a letter from the insurance company that they have approved my pain pump! Awesome.

Made cookies. DD helped a little. They came out perfect.

DH then didn't come home. He had a 24 hr pass so I figured he'd stay the night, fine. Well, woke up the morning of the 25th with a text saying he would be late, be there late aftn. That's not okay because I told him I wanted to spend the day with him. We don't celebrate Christmas (we do Yule on the 21st), but I saw everybody saying stuff on FB about all the stuff they were doing and it kind of got me down.

I spent all day in a funk. DD wouldn't do a darn thing I asked her to. DH didn't come home until after I went to sleep. He was super late and all I could think of is that he got eaten by a mountain lion or got killed by a hippie at the hot springs. I know, crazy, but when he doesn't communicate with me my mind wanders. Where he was out is out of range of phones.

At some point I broke down crying. I made lunch that DD wouldn't eat. I made more cookies that didn't turn out right. I thought about calling somebody but I didn't want to bring down their Christmas.

This morning I'm at work. I feel horrible, emotionally. I woke up this morning and told DH I felt like punching him (which I'd never do). He read all the text messages I sent him the night before and was upset with me. Cause that's how it always is, he doesn't communicate, I get mad and then it's all my fault somehow. No huge fight or anything, but the depression from yesterday is still here. The fact he can't do a damn thing for me around the holidays is still here.

The huge bright spot here is that I'm getting a pain pump. Hopefully once that goes in I'll be able to move around more and feel a little more normal.

We're going to go to Vegas on MLK weekend. My brother is taking DD to see a Harlem Globetrotters game, so he's going to take her for the weekend and give us some time for us. It always helps a ton to give us time alone. We obviously really, really, really need it.

[RSD ME]

Chaos, I'm glad you got insurance approval for your pain pump. I hope it helps. I'm sorry you're feeling so down though. I understand that feeling too and my family also seems to "disappear" sometimes when I need help. It's very frustrating. I hope it helps a little to know you're not alone. I will pray that your day gets better. Take care and be good to yourself. You deserve it.

[Brambledog]

Chaos, I'm sorry you're struggling with the 'one step forwards, two steps back' rollercoaster... Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Bram.

[chaos]

More like one step forward, 5 steps back. I messed up at work yesterday. Cost the company only $600, made money for the client but still have to explain it to him and made my boss mad. Boss sent an email about it two weeks ago and I forgot. Gee, why in the word would I possibly forget? I have a brain of steel....right.

I had to leave for work today and there were two cats all snuggled on my bed, DD and her friend snuggled in her bed. I just wanted to sleep.

[RSD ME]

Chaos, everyone makes mistakes. And when you have rsd it affects not only your body but your mind (including your memory). So don't beat yourself up about it. Your boss will get over it, and I'm sure the company will still go on. I've seen people cost companies more with their mistakes at work without having rsd to contend with. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Remember you and your health come first. Try to get some rest today when you get home try to take some time for you and snuggle with your furry babies. Take care.

[chaos]

No, this was a biggie. It wasn't about money so much about the action. Boss is quite upset.

[RSD ME]

Maybe tell him how rsd and the meds you take for it affects your memory. It's true and you're also in pain. I don't know your boss, but that's what I would have done if I were still working. I hope whatever happens, you can get some rest. Stress will just cause you more pain and I don't wan't that to happen to you. I hope all goes well and things will be okay.

[Brambledog]

Chaos, sorry about your biggie...stuff like that sucks. It's a fine line to walk - I agree with Renee abut explaining to your boss about how the CRPS can affect your memory....but I wouldn't make it sound too serious in case he then thinks he cant trust you with anything Work stuff is a nightmare in that regard, and you do have to be careful. Of course your boss should accept any limitations from your medical condition and not penalise you for them, but we know that in practice that can mean many things. It all depends what sort of guy/gal they are, and whether they will let you continue the same work...

Sorry. I'm not saying you have to lie, or that because you made this mistake you have to go and count beans in a corner or something...just that you need to be careful with how you explain this.

For work stuff, I write everything I need to do down in a little diary that I carry everywhere to remind me. Otherwise I forget all sorts - it's saved my bacon many times. I'm lucky it's just me now though, and I don't have a boss - although it can still cost me a lot in money and reputation if I mess up.

Good luck and keep smiling. I still think you are doing great to be working at all considering what you are dealing with. Be proud of that.

Bram.

[chaos]

Thanks Bram. I do have stickies all over my desk, set up reminders on Outlook.

I buy and sell stocks for a money manager, per the direction of my boss, I don't decide what to buy and sell. This client put $2M in an account. I was supposed to invest it over 3 or so months. I saw the email a couple weeks ago and totally forgot. When I was balancing the models (meaning all clients in a model [group of like accounts] have the same percentage of each stock in their account) I forgot he was in the model. My system kind of does it automatically. So I still made the guy $13K over three days, but if we had held onto the stock for him he would have lost a lot in January when stocks drop. I'm still new at this and there is a lot to learn. Our custodian (the financial institution that holds the money) is super mad at us too because I've made too many errors this year.

So yeah. It's not easy with this stupid CRaPS and my memory comes and goes. Some days it's not good, other times it's great. I really want to stop working, but I don't have that option.

They know way too well what's going on with me, but I don't think they realize I have issues with my memory and I don't want to tell them. I'm hoping that the pain pump helps me enough that my brain comes back to normal.

[Lottie]

I have LOTS of trouble with my short term memory. I have always thought it was the narcotics I was on for years, but who knows the reason. I was terrified of people at work catching on to how bad it was. I kept a notepad in my pocket at all times and wrote EVERYTHING down as a running to-do list. Sticky notes didn't work well for me because it became just visual clutter and I would't actually read them. Every day at work I would review my list and re-prioritize stuff. It is extra work for sure ,but it has saved my hide on many occasions. The other problem I had was that I couldn't remember if I had done a task. So on my checklist I would mark it done and the date done. That way when the boss asked me about it I could give an informed answer.
Sorry to hear you are struggling Chaos. Hope you can find some creative ways to cope.