I am so very sorry everybody that I have been MIA on the boards.

I have been so depressed, in alot of nerve pain . It even hurts me to sit by my computer and type this.

My allodynia has been spreading which is freaking me out !!! And of course the more stressed I am over this , the worse the allodynia and nerve pain gets!

Every day I hope I will die . My couple of suicide attempts sadly and frustratingly were not successful. This pain and losing most of my quality of life is enough to want me to call it quits after all this time of being in such pain.

I am now on 50mgs. , titrating up to 60mgs. a day in a couple of weeks of oral ketamine a day. I do notice a difference in my pain with each titration , but this spreading is making me so scared and stressed out, which is counter productive for my pain.

My PM dr mentioned an infusion of something like lidocaine or prilocaine or something like that.

I mentioned the ketamine infusion that I chickenend out of last year.

Can any of you kind people give me your suggestions or input on these?

Thank you very much in advance .I appreciate it very much

Dearest Vintagewine,

I am terribly sorry to see you having such a hard time and feeling so bad emotionally. I understand. I'm sure we all do. I love life and have a good one. Yet in spite of that and a family to be here for, I too got in a very dark place for a time where I just wanted the pain to stop even if it meant my not being around anymore. I am glad you felt comfortable saying how bad you've been feeling. Depression and anxiety can go hand in hand with chronic pain, even for those who are normally very upbeat.

Have you expressed feeling suicidal anywhere but here? Do you have support who would understand? Please don't suffer with these feelings alone. Reach out to someone next time you feel you might act. Please get professional help before that point. Go to your local mental health hospital if needed. You can also come to the Survivors of Suicide thread if the need is for expression and not emergent. You are precious and we care about you.

Do you have a therapist? I needed professional help to get out of those feelings. I ended up wishing I had gone sooner. I don't know why I waited so long except I kept thinking I would get better physically and not need it. My therapist utilized EMDR and hypnosis and not only helped me move forward but gave me better coping skills for pain. If you need an antidepressant there are some to consider such as cymbalta and nortriptyline that help with nerve pain as well.

I think you know where I stand on ketamine infusions. They have been helpful for my case. I had asked about lidocaine infusions and my doc did not think they were as helpful for our kind of pain.

Perhaps it is time to consider infusions. I don't remember if you had any nerve blocks or not. Lit Love has mentioned in the past having good luck with them for stopping spread.

I hope you feel better soon. I am sending hugs and surrounding you with love,

Vintagewine:

I love your name. A little of a good vintage of wine is always nice. I am sorry to hear that you have tried to commit suicide in the past. Luckily your attempts were not successful. Ever since I was experiencing the pain, I too have been quite depressed just like many of us here. When I found out what it was that was causing the pain, I felt as if there was no escaping it. I thought of suicide and I did mention it to my dr. He was not too concerned about me taking my life since I did not have a plan, only thoughts. It was at that time I was put on Amitriptyline. Very much like nortriptyline that was mentioned by Littlepaw, it is a tricyclic antidepressant. That not only helps a little with my emotional state, it also helped with the pain. My dr. also gave me a script and a recommendation to see a psychiatrist. I finally made it in to see the psychiatrist last week, but by that time, I was already feeling much better about myself. It was a good thing because he wanted to take me off of all of the medication that I was on to help with the CRPS to try to put me on something to help me emotionally. I hope that does not discourage you from finding help, that psychiatrist did not know anything about CRPS and did not believe the pain that I was in which is the main reason for not continuing with him. I do know that there are many good counselors, psychiatrists, and psychologists out there that do want to help as well as many helplines that take calls 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Even try your insurance company. They usually have a mental helpline available as well. Please reach out to one of them to find the help you need.

Just like your name, a good vintage wine is a terrible thing to waste. Please, please, please stick around. There are many good reasons and good people on this planet to stay around, including many good people here.

Alaina