[Vicc]

I’m not gonna start the morphine pump trial tomorrow. I talked to the work comp claims adjuster (aka liar), who told me that she hasn’t heard anything about it from my doc’s office, so they’re not going to pay for it. The doc’s secretary told me they discussed it over the phone, but phone calls don’t leave a paper trail, so w.c. has “plausible deniability”.

This is just another w.c. stall; they will eventually have to approve payment or fight me at a hearing, where they will lose and then pay for it and my lawyer. But I can’t believe how this news affected me emotionally; I feel total despair.

I have been looking forward to not waking up every hour or two to take another oxycodone, a chance to think without drugs and sleep deprivation clouding my brain, and I’m incredibly depressed. I know it will happen someday, but today I’m just plain crushed. And it doesn’t end there.

On Thanksgiving of 2005 I learned how severe my weight loss had become; I weighed 139 pounds. I began a crash course of eating, of trying to gain weight. It has been a hard fight. Almost every day for two years my stomach has felt painfully distended; I have to stuff myself constantly, so much that most of the time the weight of a blanket on by stomach is painfully heavy.

I’ve been doing this for two years, and I weigh five pounds less than I did in Nov, 2005.

I have always been healthy, so healthy I can remember every time I’ve been sick since I became an adult: five times. I haven’t had a severe cold since 1995. The only time I saw a doc for anything except my injuries was 1982, but today I saw a GP, and learned that my liver is way too big. It is so large, the GP thinks that’s why I’m having a hard time eating.

(I told my doc in 1996 that I didn’t want to have any liver enzyme tests. Why bother? I knew this would happen, but the only way to prevent it was to stop taking opiates, and that just isn’t an option).

I probably should have waited to see the GP, but I wanted to be sure there wouldn’t be any obvious problems that might interfere with getting the pump trial started. Now I know, but I don’t know what to do about it.

The GP wanted me to go straight to the hospital for more tests, but I refused. I’m not going to do anything about my liver. I have no desire to spend money or to suffer more just to extend a life I don’t enjoy very much, but I don’t know what to do about eating. Today, I feel like eating enough to keep me comfortable, but not eating to gain weight; but that means I start losing weight today. At 134 pounds, I won’t last long if I start losing. I guess I’ll keep eating, but my heart won’t be in it.

I’m not asking for advice or for sympathy, I’m just venting and you’re my victims because you’re the only people I know. I don’t see any point in worrying my family about it, yet, there’s nothing they can do.

I wish I had waited to see the GP once I learned the trial won’t start tomorrow; getting this news when I’m already totally depressed isn’t helping. I have no idea how long it will be before I begin showing symptoms of liver failure, and I don’t want to know. It could be a year from now.

I really mean it about not wanting sympathy. I know some of you will feel bad at reading this news, but most of you know that I’ve been hoping for a heart attack for a few years now. Like the Philosopher said: Aint none of us getting out of here alive.

Except: I believe Jesus is coming to collect His people before things get really bad, and I know that one mistake by any of several “world leaders” could turn things really bad overnight. Owell, I don’t have a vote in that.

Meanwhile, I hope I can start the trial soon. It would be nice to sleep eight hours and to wake up without a drug hangover and extra pain…Vic