[GJmom]

Does anyone else have issues with their friends that don't have RSD? I am in a bit of a slump because I tripped over some toys my kids had pulled out, so I have been in bed. My best friend comes over and is going on and on about being depressed since school is out, and how all she wants to do is sleep. She goes on and on about it. I am sitting there thinking "really?" Try having a real issue like not being able to walk or get out of bed, not being able to take care of your kids or leave your house. But then I feel bad and think "this is so not fair to her, I am not even trying to understand were she is coming from or what she is going through" But I still can't help but get a little upset at her for the whole thing. Oh then her dog poops on my floor, but since she is asleep and in a bad mood I clean it up. Am I really wrong in my feelings? I invited her over to watch football since she wants to get into it this year. When I ask her if she is enjoying the game this is how it goes...
me- So do you like football?
her- well I don't know whats going on so whatever
me- would you like me to explain it?
her- no

This is how it has been for the last week or so. I am almost to the point of telling her to get over it, but what good would that do? I would just hurt my friendship, and I don't have many friends so I don't want to hurt any friendships I do have.
What do I do? Am I being a really bad friend?

[fmichael]

No, your not being a bad friend. You're just making the most of what you've got, as opposed to mucking up something that's already been delivered to you on a silver platter. And sooner or later everyone gets good at that. (And they're the ones that smart.)

The key is just to keep making opportunities when you can. Sometimes I get frustrated when my entreaties are ignored, but then I just have to pick up and keep on keeping on.



Mike

[mrsD]

From what you are posting, I think your "friend" is not being a friend to YOU.

There is a really good book out there in paperback and not expensive called:

When Friendships Hurt-- By Jan Yaeger.
Check it out at Amazon. I have read and reread this book several times. I get something new from it each time too!

This book is very thorough and really an eye opener. So many people cling to others for various reasons. This subject is quite complex, but we all encounter self centered people who wear us down. When YOU are struggling with pain and health issues, you don't need people around to make you feel worse. Being ill puts alot of strain on friendships, as well.
If you are asking yourself, if you are a good friend, I'd suspect you are one. It is the people who DO NOT ask this question who turn out to be less than supportive to others.

[daniella]

Can you tell your friend how you feel and more on what you are going through? Also how she can help you? A friendship to me is about both of you and at some times one person needs more support then the other. I do feel if you can't be honest about how you feel with her then there is a huge issue and if she gets mad then there is also a huge issue. I can really relate to you because I have friends who suffer with addictions and yes I feel for them but sometimes they are so self absorbed that I lack support through an issue I can't control. Then I have similar feelings as you like they can will themself and I can't. I have lost friends due to this and it is hard but I would rather have two good friends then many cruddy ones. It only makes me feel more alone when I have a person in my life who treats me badly. I will say though others who are not in our situation can not read our minds so it is our job to tell them what we need or what is bothering us. I know that when this first happened I had a hard time opening up but now as I take more risks with that it has gotten easier. You are not a bad friend at all and all feelings you have are valid. Hang in there and you are not alone though I know it can feel that way sometimes.

[screwballpookie]

I agree with everyone else. i have been going through those feelings with my family here lately. My mom and sisters( i have a brother but I don't claim him) and my husband and daughter don't seem to understand what I am going through. I do try to understand my husband since he is a truck driver and my daughter since she just turn 13. She is going through a lot of changes as well. I just don' t know what to do so that I can get them all to understand what I am going through. It is just like they don't care. I guess I can say my older sister is trying to help me in her own way which makes me feel better about the whole situation. She gave me the idea to put a scrapbook together about the rsd and maybe then I would be able to get others to understand what I am going through. So I have just started to collect some info to try and put a scrapbook together. I am willing to try anything to get others to understand what rsd is. If your friend don't want to hear what you have to say then try to put a scrapbook together if you can and if not then think of other ways to get her to understand. If you have to get onto this site and show her what other people are going through then maybe she would be more understanding and sympathetic to you. Anything is worth a try right? I wish you the best with everything you do. I also hope everything works out with your friend. I know what it is like to not have many friends. I might have a couple and one that tries to understand what I am going through. GOOD LUCK!

Sincerely,
Screwballpookie

[erinhermes]

Hello! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Trust me, I know what you are talking about. I had similar problems with friends and family, and it really hurts! Don't let this person get you down. You are sick and need to take care of yourself, not worry about a self absorbed person who doesn't help you in your time of need............With freinds like that, who needs enemies? I'm not trying to sound mean, but you really need to take care of yourself now. You sound like a very sweet person who has been in the role of caretaker - try and take care of yourself like you have taken care of others. That is NOT selfish, just practical. Trust me, there are nights when I cry b/c I can no longer take care of my family like I used to ( I have Myasthenia Gravis) and it really hurts, but if we don't rest/take care of ourselves, then our chances of remission go waaaaaaaaaaay down. I for one have totally removed "negative" people from my life. I was told in the hospital that I do not need negative people around me for my sake and sanity.......it sounds like you should do the same. You can contact ME anytime @ erinhermes@hotmail.com if you need to talk.......In the meantime, take care of yourself - Erin

[loretta]

Hi Erin, I understand about the importance of taking care of ourselves. There are certainly different levels of friends, especially when something serious happens to our health and we are not able to be the person we used to be. I'm going to look up M.G. so I can understand more what you are going thru. About 10 years before getting RSD, I lost my parents and went into counseling. It was then that I really learned to take care of myself and be a good friend to my friends. I became a better mother and wife. Even though you may be limited in certain aspects of caring for your family, I'm certain you can teach your family thru example, about caring for themselves and others that will last for years to come. I know people tell me all the time, my daughter is such a good friend to them and compassionate. She is 29 now and about 17 when I got RSD. I know she is to me. Do you have children? how many and ages? Husband? Take care of yourself. Loretta

[Summertime]

Just wanted to share with you many of my friends "disappeared" when I became sick. I have my family who is there for me but this takes it's toll on them as well.
As I mentioned in another post, I am going to spend more time here for support and to become more educated about RSD.
I'm here if anyone needs me.

[vanityfaire]

I wanted to comment on this thread. I think we do get isolated from being in pain so often. I know for me the best way to get past a bad pain spot is to either read a book, go to sleep, or read on the forum. I can't do much more after taking the medications. When the pain hits the top than we are not much good around people. I find myself being very cynical and short with people. I don't even know it at the time, it just comes out of the mouth. It is very polar for me since I am quiet and soft and friendly. But when the pain rears up I change. I just try to get away from people during those times. My family always knows just by the look in my face or the stuggle I have in walking that its not a good day. Sometimes when getting home from work I just tell them I have to lay down for an hour. I am so fortunate to have a good family that helps me and tries to understand me. I don't like them to worry though so I mask the pain most days.
I just got a new job as a teacher. I have been taking online classes, did my student teaching and than interviewed for a job. I didn't know what to say about the RSD...oh by the way I have this leg thing and I am on Vicodan and Nerontin..once in awhile I have to go for Nerve blocks but not to worry. I just wanted you to know up front since I have a handicap sticker on my car. Geez, I did talk about the monster after being hired. I was told they would accomodate me. So hey. ADA worked at the school level. Now we will see if I get offered employment on a contract basis next year.

[allentgamer]

I dont have many friends either because of this infernal RSD. At first I tried to keep up with them both physically and mentally, but soon learned that I was just slowing most of them down, and did they really care anyways?

They were for the most part totally engrossed in their own selves, and didnt really care too much how they treated me, so it wasnt too long and I wasnt calling them as much. I soon learned that if I didnt make an effort they were pretty much out of my life. I also learned that I felt better not trying to please these self engrossed people, and focused on my family.

At first my family were very concerned with my situation, but soon that turned to indifference as the months and years went by. I found that I was the one that was causing them to react negatively to me. In fact they would try to avoid me at all costs, and when they felt cornered they would let me know how they felt about RSD and me. They mostly considered me a lazy good for nothing. All I wanted was for someone to understand.

That is when I realized that maybe the problem wasnt them so much as it was me. I started paying attention to what I was saying to them every time anyone was around, and realized I was the negative one. Always talking about my aches and pains, how I couldnt do the things I used to.

It soon became apparent to me that I needed a place to go to vent, and complain, and also to connect with those that understood what was going on in my world. The old saying that you wont understand until you walk a mile in others shoes caused me to realize my family really had no idea, and I didnt want them to experience my pain just to find out.

This forum was a life saver in that I could connect with those that understand, just like you have done. I found a place where people truely cared, and I also truely care about them also.

Then I tried real hard to take an interest in what was going on with them...it was a chore because the nagging pain was always trying to take my mind of my mission. It took some time for everyone to realize they didnt have to run everytime they seen me coming LOL.

You really dont need those that sap out your energies, but I do understand needing friends. Maybe cut down the amount of time you spend with these energy zapping friends.

I hope you find some balance with these problems.