[ali12]

I am truly sick of all of this and wondering how much worse things can actually get.

This weekend on Saturday morning, we got a call from my grandma saying that my grandad had collapsed and that he wasn't breathing and that she thought he had passed away and that she didn't know what to do. My dad immediately rushed round to check on them both whilst my mum called an ambulance.

The person on the phone to my mum called my dad and told him to start doing CPR to try and get his heart beating again whilst the ambulance arrived. The ambulance arrived pretty quickly and they started doing CPR also and told my nanan and dad to go and sit in the kitchen out of the way.

My dad called and asked my mum to go to my nanans house so she did straight away. The ambulance crew were working on my grandad in the house for about half an hour and then they finally got my grandad into the ambulance. They said they had got a little heart-beat but not to get our hopes up as they thought it was from the drugs that they were giving him. My mum took my grandma to the hospital and my dad came round and checked on me.

The ambulance even had a police escort them to the hospital to try and give my grandad the best chance of surviving. When the ambulance arrived at the hospital, they rushed my grandad straight into the ER and started doing treatment and CPR on him.

Unfortunately after an hour of trying to get my grandads heart back beating, they had to call it a day and my grandad passed away.

My mum and dad came and picked me up and rushed me straight through to the hospital. I was SO upset and in such great shock when they told me what had happened.

The Doctors allowed us to go and see my grandad and that had to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. Seeing my grandad laid there with tubes hung out of his mouth was heart breaking and me and my mum, dad and nanan burst into tears. My nanan kept shouting to my grandad telling him to stop being stupid and to wake up .... it was too upsetting to see so I went out of the room.

By the time we got out from seeing my grandad, most of our family had arrived. The nurse gave us all a book to read about what to do following a bereavment and explained a few things to us. It is believed my grandad had a major heart attack but because it came on SO soon, they are having to do a post-mortum to rule out everything else.

My nanan found out today that the funeral is going to be next Tuesday (a week tomorrow) and they are having a service at the church and then they are going to the crematorium and then having a small dinner in the local pub near where we live.

I am SO upset and angry at the moment. I wont eat (my nanan literally had to force me into eating as I hadn't eaten for 28 hours), I wont talk hardly, keep crying, can't sleep as everytime I close my eyes, I see my grandad laid there etc. All of this just seems like one big nightmare, I keep hoping that I will wake up and everything will be OK but I know it wont be.

I wish I could turn the clock back, there are so many things I wanted to say and wish I had done differently but I know I can't do that now.

Me and my mum wrote a verse today for the local newspaper and it made me cry as it is SO true.

This is what we wrote:

We never got the chance to say
One last goodbye to you
To let you know how much you mean to us
But we are sure you knew…..

No dad could have been better
No grandad was more fun
The times we shared were precious
Your smile brought out the sun

You’ll always be here with us
Forever in our thoughts
Sleep well dear Dad and Grandad
Thanks for the joy you brought

If I could say one thing to all of you on the forum, it would be to tell your family and friends how much they truly mean to you and tell them often that you love them. I didn't say this often enough and had to learn the hard way and it is SO much harder than you could imagine and I don't want any of you to go through what I am.

I wish my grandad could come back, I love him so much! He was the best grandad you could ever wish for. He used to make cards and everyone thought it was silly but he loved it and it brung such joy and pleasure to his face. I really want to continue making the cards as it is what my grandad would have wanted.

Well, I better go as i'm crying again. I know I should be strong and that my grandad wouldn't want to see me like this but it's so hard to do so.

(I know this isn't really about RSD but I knew you would all understand probably better than anyone).