Ada:

ramble all you want. you have a tough row to hoe right now. i don't ever think it's easy to lose someone you love. try to remember the happy times you have had with him. let them fill your heart and your life. remember him with laughter.

you are a wonderful person, i'm sorry you have to go through this.

hugs and prayers

i am glad that you were able to get some relief from the surgery, and that you had a friend along in the operating room......

i totally agree that you should talk of bill.....he is passed, but is and will always be around you and the boys......just tell them to keep talking of and to him.....and he is listening.................i "talk "to my parents all the time....

i know your house is huge, and the idea of renting my be a good one, but only if you know ''for sure' that you would be able to get along with a renter............you will lose your privacy too a little.....

you are always in my thoughts ada.........warm, big, gentle hugs to you........

Hi Gramma,
How are you doing? My caregiver just left. I have a new one. I still have Susan but the wanted to get me another one in here quick since I had more hours to fill and I am by myself now. Susan's boss did it to keep an eye on me. I know that. Her boss is one of my adopted kids and she's not wanting me to be by myself. Susan couldn't get everything done I have to do anyway in the time she is here.

I am so tired today. I slept 2 hours last night. I just couldn't sleep because of thinking of Bill. The boys were here and it's worse when they are here because I am so use to him helping me with them and they are missing him. We talked about him though. I went today and got a Christmas ornament for them to hang on the tree every year with his name and some words to them that I knew he would say to them if he were here. I got one for Susan too and one for my tree.

I have not started going through any of his things. I thought I could pretty quick but it's not going to happen. Susan can't help me neither at this time. She was always a Daddy's girl.

Gramma, did you get my thank you card? I hope I got your address right. I am glad that you call me.

The boys have been keeping my phone tied up with the computer when they are here so I don't talk to anyone much when they are here.

I'm feeling better today physically, my stomach is going down and I can see the difference in my pain.

Thanks for the support to all of you.

Ada

Hi Ada,

I am so sorry that I have not called you lately, but have been in bed and this is my first day back to work since leaving Friday morning. I didn't even get out of the house so it is great to be out today. I hope you are feeling better after your surgery and wish there was something I could do to help you.

I know it will be hard at Christmas without Bill but he'll be looking down on all of you and smiling knowing the kids are enjoying their Christmas. It will be hard for everyone including the kids, but Bill is out of pain for the first time in years. I know that doesn't make everything OK but I know you do find comfort in knowing he is not suffering anymore.

I will talk to you soon, and if you need me just call me.

Love ya,
janet

Ada, I'm so sorry you are hurting, hon. It's part of the process you must go thru, and actually means you are healing, which is a good thing. Don't worry yet about going thru his things. There is no rush to do that. Let yourself heal. You'll know when you're ready. It could be tomorrow....or it could be next year, or 10 years from now. It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be done by any certain time.

Perhaps while you have the kids there, you could also do a project about Bill that all of you can work on together. Maybe a scrapbook of him, or a shadowbox. Purchase the supplies, and perhaps think of either a piece of clothing, or one special item that reminds you of him, and use that as the centerpiece for your shadowbox, and surround it with other objects of his, and decorate it as you wish. The kids can make their own, and keep it in their rooms at your place, or at home. A nice way to remember Grandpa. Or, you can make a nice photo cd with music in the background. But be prepared for lots of tears.

But tears aren't necessarily a bad thing. Tears can be very cleansing. And going thru photos can be also. Because along with the tears when you go thru photos will be happy memories, and SMILES.

You will have sleepless nights, hon. It's guaranteed. I don't think you're getting "worse" as time goes on. I think it's the holidays, and the first holiday after a loved one passes is always the hardest. So the closer it gets to Christmas, the rougher it's going ot be for you. You feel you're "supposed" to be in a festive mood, but you can't. You're fighting that inside too. Trying to keep normalcy is going against what you FEEL also, but necessary for the boys. That's okay, too, cuz it's also helping you.

it's not going to be easy. Nobody said it would be. But it's a process. Remember, there are 5 stages of grief, and this is only the first stage. As long as you progress thru them, you are making progress. And you have friends and family who ADORE you Ada. Here and in real life. You are't alone. And Bill is watching over you, always. He's even watching you as you lie awake at night thinking of him, and he's holding you and keeping you warm in his light.

I wish there was something I could do...but I know there's not. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and know I'm only an email away if you need to talk. And know you are loved...

Thank you so much for the ideal of the shadow box that is a great ideal. Bill built me and the boys a table showcase so I could use mine for that. The boys would love it.

Nights are really bad. I don't get to sleep until 3 in the morning and up by 7. A friend of mine called last night and we talked for 3 hours. She lives alone and has Fibro so we have a lot in common. Funny we met over the phone 3 years ago, have met only one time in person but we talk weekly.

My sisters and brothers have been calling me on a regular bases also so that has helped but as I said it's a job you have to do on your own to get through it. I'm also in councelling to try and deal with it but again when it's only an hour a week you still have 6 days and 23 hours to deal with it on your own. Thank God I do have you guys and I do have family and friends so I am very lucky on that one.

My stepkids are calling me regular also. After being their Stepmom for 34 years they love me like I'm their Mom. They lost their real Mom just 4 months ago so man are they having it rough. My stepdaughter says by calling me she still has a connection to Dad and they both said I'm the only parent they have left. I am blessed in a lot of ways.

I'm feeling better after my surgery. I am able to go to the bathroom both ways now and not suffer. The scar tissue had me so messed up, I was really having a time with that issue.

Thanks again for all of the help and support you have given me.

Love to all of you,
Ada

By the way Lisa, yes Christmas is going to be a duzy. Bill and I never ever missed one together. He hated being away from me and I was the same way. The only time we spent apart in these years were hospital stays and the 2 times he went to Ky. to see his Mom before she passed and I was too sick to go.