Abbie...I'm glad to see you are still hanging in there, but sorry to hear nothing has changed. The question is...do you WANT things to change? Not ONLY for the pain, but for the depression as well? Or even for one or the other?

It's a very well known fact that the mental health and the physical health go hand in hand. If you aren't well MENTALLY, then you feel worse PHYSICALLY. So chances are that if you can get the depression under control, you will feel at least a little better physically. And if you feel soooo bad physically, then even "a little better" is better than nothing, right?

I have a pretty drastic idea for you - but one that will work, and will work quickly. Since your doctor isn't available, you have another choice - and that is the emergency room. I know someone else already suggested this. But if you want to, when you go in, all you have to say is the word "suicidal" and you will get admitted on a suicide watch quicker than you can blink your eyes.

this will serve a couple of purposes. First off, it will get you the attention you need. The attention you deserve. They will not release you until they get under control the things that NEED to be under control. That means they will have you see a physician, as well as a mental health professional. That means they will try every medication they can, in a CONTOLLED environment, until they find one you are not allergic to. That also means they will try the different antidepresants. That also means you will get some counseling from a mental health person who is qualified to counsel chronic pain patients. That also means you may end up staying in the hospital for a while, though. BUT...that also means your parents may open their eyes and realize what you are going thru. As will other friends and family members. Sometimes that's what it takes.

Abbie...if you want people to GET MOVING on helping you, this is exactly what I'd do. It's the "kick in the pants" that they need. That YOU need. In order for people to know how seriously you hurt, nd how bad you feel emotionally, and in order for them to wake up and start taking steps forward to make you feel better, this is the action I would take.

Also...I noticed inyour posts tat you aren't doing anything to make things better for yourself. Sittig in the dark, not talking to friends or family, those things don't help depression. It only makes it worse. If you can get into your head, "I'm going to live...and this is how I'm going to do it" then you'll feel much better. One step FORWARD on your end will give you a whole new outlook on life.

I know it hurts you to ride in a car. But if you endure that pain ONE TIME on a trip to the hospital to get yourself to the ER, to be seen, to tell them you hurt so bad you'd rather DIE than to live one more day the way you are, that you've actually contemplated suicide over the past few days cuz of it....then you will have a group of people - about 4 professionals - mental health, pain docs, physicians, etc - all working together and FOR YOU. IMMEDIATELY.

Doesn't that sound great? I mean...in a matter of ONE WEEKS TIME you could be well on your way to a future of feeling so much better. You cuold have a team of physicians and doctors all working together to make you feel better.

I'd take that over taking my life any day.

Please take care of yourself hon. And hold on to K. Ask her to take you to the ER. I'm sure she'll hold your hand all the way....

This will be my last post...

Please know that I am not sitting here doing nothing about getting better. I do want to get better... I want to feel better physically and mentally!!!!

As far as ER goes... I live in an area where we have 1 hospital... it is a for profit hospital... you either have insurance or money... the only way they will see you without knowing if you have these is if you come in unconcious, severely bleeding, heart attack, or something along those lines. If by chance you get seen without them knowing you don't have these... they will chase you down, ruin any credit you may have had, they put liens on your house/car. They will not work out any payment plans. Not that a payment plan will work for someone who has nothing.

I've been calling my dr every 1/2hour with hopes that he pops back in the office today. So far, he hasn't. I started calling at 8am with any luck he may pop in before office closes at 6. I told his staff how important it was for me to see him and gave them most of the details as to what's going on... as far as seeing on of the NP's---they paged him and he said no as it's not a normal type med case that they see. Staff said they would call me if he came back in before I called them back...

I'm sorry I bothered anyone here...
Good bye

Just Updating

Hey Abbie,

No bother, not at all. What a strange thing, it's the middle of the night here, I just woke up and stumbled into my work room for a tablet, switched on the computer (just out of habit, no reason)....and there you are, putting up your message, very same moment.

Now I'm pretty sleepy and muddle headed right this minute, you understand, but I think it sounds like you should phone one of the numbers Jo posted, **right away**. Please, please, please do that.

In view of your hospital's attitude I can't think of what else to suggest, but I know it would help, talking to someone who knows what it's like to experience what you are going through right now.

And write out what you're feeling at the moment and send us it, we don't mind... or send me it as a PM, be as honest as you want...
oh, and do get those numbers posted earlier, get on that phone now, talk to someone, that's best...

This damn doctor needs a severe kick in the pants, I want to grab him by the white lapels, kick him into the gutter and throttle him with his own stethescope.....sorry, I'm :mad, really angry with him
xxxxxxx atb.

hi ((((((abbie)))))

please don't take one person's post as the thoughts of all.

one of the best and bravest things you have done was reach out here and post. and keep posting.

none of us are there with you physically. there is much more to your life and what you are doing to help yourself then what you can and do post here.

you didn't post that you took the time and caring to send me a personal birthday wish. you reached out to me...to show ME support and friendship. that is HUGE when you are at a point of needing it so much yourslef.

each day i see more and more light and hope reaching you. that rope is getting closer to reach.

i want to ditto our buddy artist in what she posted about your doc. but so many dr's who take time off during hte holidays, don't tell their patients. maybe to not cause aditional stress?

abbie, we do care. we do see what you are doing to help yourelf. we are so thankful to K for being there, because we can't be.

i totally understand about the hospital issue. it is the same where my parent's live. one reason why i am working on moving them close to me.

keep posting abbie. or send pm's to us. we all reply together. we ARE here to support you. we care.

don't give up on this site...we all are hear to help one another...it took alot of time for me to get up the courage to start posting here and everyone has been very helpful..just to have someone read what i am going thru and send a quick reply i don't feel so alone..nice feeling to be able to know that we are not alone..you can have your highs and lows the trick is not to stay in that dark place for too long..even pull yourself out of it for a short time helps. what helps me is to know that if things seem to get real bad i can come here to vent, yell, scream or cry and not be judged....peace to you tonight..stay in touch...moonstar

((((((Abbie)))))),

I wish you'd re-think that decision to leave.

You know -- all of us who come here -- come looking for help. BUT, we respond because we WANT TO HELP.

Sometimes, when the facial expression that goes along with the words isn't there, the words get misunderstood.

Please, Abbie, stay with us. We're all only trying to help -- each in our own way.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

Abbie! Oh my goodness! NO! Is that me you're talking about? My post??? Hon, I meant NOTHING like that!!!! Oh geeze...... I hate when I "come across" totally different than was intended. I really really do. I did NOT mean that you are just sitting there wallowing in self pity, hon. Not at ALL! I did not have that intention.

My intention of that post was to give you some HOPE hon, that's all. Just hopefully to show you that "maybe" there was a way out, a "light" at the end of the tunnel and to maybe get you to open the blinds in your bedroom, get you to talk to your friends and maybe that would get you to feel a LITTLE better at least...and to let you know that if you feel better mentally, then hopefully physically you would feel better also. And...since you aren't getting the proper care, then hopeflly the ER visit would GET you the proper care. I don't know your area, or your financial situation, or your insurance situation, or about the hospitals there. I didn't mean to upset you more regarding that, or to sound harsh...and I didn't think I DID sound harsh....even reading it again NOW I didn't think so...but I gues it was taken that way somehow! Oh my!!!

Oh geeze, hon. I'm so so so very sorry if you took my post in the manner in which it was NOT intended.

It seems I'm just not very good at answering posts of this nature. Which is why it took me so long to respond in the first place. I was unsure of my ability to "talk" in a way. Sometimes ppl DO take my posts wrong, and it must be in the way I write. Even though I read it over and over before I press "submit" it must be that I interpret it differently - maybe cuz I know myself, and others don't. I don't know.

I feel awful that you feel that way about what I wrote, and that obviously others do also. If you knew me at all, you'd know I'm one of the most gentle and most caring ppl you'd ever meet, and that if I were there, I'd probably crawl into bed and just hold you and let you cry on my shoulder. There's NO WAY I'd ever speak unkindly to you. And my post was NOT meant to be unkind at all....but to hopefully give you a way out of this.

I'll just stay away from this thread, hon. Come back and talk to the others. Please. It must be my style of writing that is taken the wrong way. Obviously another poster interpreted me the same way you did as well, cuz there was a comment made to that affect, so I know it wasn't just you...it has to be my writing style.

I'm so very sorry....and I mean every word. I cannot believe I was taken that way....I am soooo upset about that

Please don't take me wrong. I'm going to go cry now

I do SOOOOO believe that is what happened. I'm so upset about this. I really did NOT mean my post to be taken that way AT ALL. Thank you for seeing that....

Just Updating