Thankyou so much for all your replies!

I've reflected on the possibility of depression theoretically many times but can't quite come to believing that is what it is. Sometimes I just want to take a one way trip to China - and have concluded it's being loaded with responsibilites I'm wishing to depose and avoid.

I take great joy in many things like reading, travelling, visiting friends, researching on the internet, playing mind games etc. I don't sit at home and cry. When I struggle to get out of bed it's because I'm having a physically bad day. I also have a genetic medical condition which I have had all my life and sometimes I just feel so tired which is attritutable to the condition, as well as, recent newer health issues.

My bad days are when I am so bone weary and I don't WANT to pick up all the doggy doo's in the backyard or go out and buy his food or take him to the vet for another injection or trip over him for the fiftieth time because he is constantly underfoot (he is nearly blind and deaf -I think now). That was very funny crytears "Die, die, die". I think my husband has actually said that. I haven't, I just think it! I'll be the most heartbroken when he does go eventually and am preparing myself for that eventuality.

I don't WANT to do that huge pile of washing that my son has dumped on the laundry floor (and not in the basket) and who never does a tap of work in the house. He's adopted so we feel, to encourage him to leave home is like another rejection in his life. He is very sensitive and angry at times. I get the brunt of it more than my husband because he used to meet with his birth mother when he was younger as part of the adoption agreement (then she disappeared from his life when he was 13) and I think he wants to view me as an 'imposter' mother. He used to respond to his birth mother very well and it was so sad that she 'left' his life for the second time. We all cared for her well being so much. He is basically indifferent to me but he expects me to do all the tasks, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping (like I used to) - he's never lived away from home so hasn't really experienced it except for those times when my husband and I are travelling then he 'looks after' the house and 'his' dog!!

Then there is mum who just doesn't 'get it' that some days I can't be at her beck and call. On the other hand I don't want to have any regrets when she leaves us finally and so I extend myself as much as I physically can. She is wonderful really; always so joyous, happy and thankful (imagine how that makes me feel?). Although 86 she still drives very competently and is extremely cognitive but is increasingly relying on me for taking her to appointments and shopping - just losing confidence I think. No doubt she is very lonely since she lost both her beloved partners - my dad and her second husband and I being the nearest geographically to her is always her first point of call.

I have always assumed that she would come and live with us when she was unable to live alone but am increasing finding that the thought of this is very daunting. I don't know how I would cope living to her exacting standards of punctuality (with meals etc), language (my husband lets the odd one slip), general regimentation etc etc. We have become significantly more relaxed in the past few years basically due to my fatigue. My husband is wonderful - bless him!

Anyway I know this is long and probably extremely boring but it's good to be able to vent and say the things I want/need to say. Thankyou for your longsuffering patience!!

Not a problem, Megan. Sometimes, the best thing to do is just spill it out. I hope this helps you.

Hope

I agree with Chemar. Believe me, I can relate to much of what you have said. I have had health issues that involve pain and fatigue. In addition, I have had to care for those in need. The two together are very draining for the body and soul. You might want to discuss the possibility of depression with a doctor. An antidepressant might be warranted. What about traditional therapy? I also believe in simple self care. Getting in some moderate exercise when you are able, eating healthfully and doing things you enjoy like listening to music or calling a friend. You don't have to spend inordinate amounts of time on these things, but be sure that you have your own "special time," to relax. In addition, like Chemar said, there are vitamins that might be of some assistance. The vitamin thread on this board is very active. Off the top of my head, the B vitamins, particularly B6 is known to help with depression as well as Fish Oil supplementation. Wishing you better days ahead.

Hi again, Megan and all...we too adopted 2 girls, but from Mexico...talk about rejection! They hate me big time! One has written terribly ugly things about me on myspace...says I molested and beat her all the time...what?????
No way...I loved her with all my heart. But these kids were throw aways. The youngest was 5 when we got her, the oldest was 11. So everyone in their lives rejected them...but is sad I don't even get a mothers day card.
When I was at my illest point (I know no such word, but ya know what I mean)...anyway, spent 17 days in the hospital...didn't even get a card or phone call. I don't even rate a birth announcment by the youngest, I don't even know their kids names. But she's got to say anything for attention and if her husband got to know us, then he'd know all she's saying is lies.
She always lied, it was horrid and pathelogical...her outlandish stories have gotten her into trouble many times.
She's cried "rape" on 4 different men and several stalking complaints. Is bizzare the things she says...but its broken my heart and I wish we would have left her in the orphanage...I know is sad to say this, but would have been best for all.
Having this stress of the ugly things she says really brings my health down.
I've offered to take polygraphs IF SHE too takes one...ha! NO way! no wonder she's staying double arms length...she knows she's done us wrong.
Dont know how she can live with herself...she knows the truth. is sad.
I know I"m very wrong in blaming her, but I blame her for my illnesses as she was such a hand full in trying to raise her...the constant lies and upsets, drama truama ALL the time.
I was so glad when she moved out on her 18 BD...the lies were just too hard to handle all the time...now others are having to deal with her, not me!
Anyway...is just sad.
CryTears

Megan,

It is not always true that depressed people sit home and cry. I was clinically depressed years ago, and honestly NO ONE knew! No one....

I even thought like you, that if I could wonder if I was depressed, I couldn't be, cause I was AWARE....but that isn't necessarily true either...

Inside I was miserable. I was screaming inside. When I got done with the day's work, the charade of being "perfect" was over....

It wouldn't hurt you at all to talk to a certified therapist.

I can say one thing you have that I didn't is the ability to voice what you want to here and people will respond to you...

Getting some good real solid advice on your son's situation from a minister or a certified counselor will probably help you a lot.

Peace.