[Nik-key]

I come here and lurk often. Today, as I am feeling so overwhelmed, with no other forum having activity that pertains to my situation....I find myself posting to this compassionate group.

I would like to talk a bit about my husband (Lynn). He has Alzheimer’s and it slowly, day by day, inch by inch stealing him away from me. It is just ripping my heart out. We have been together since 1985 when I was
just 18. It seems like such a long time, but so short too. I can’t imagine a life without him. Though I am already grieving daily for the parts of him, of us … I have already had to say good-bye to.

We went to my neurologist for my check up yesterday. We have a very close relationship, and he helps in the care of Lynn as well. My doctor went over Lynn’s test results from the week before at the VA clinic. In just 6 months, his cognitive thinking test has changed remarkably! He could not subtract 7 from 100. He drew a clock with 15 numbers. He could not recall family members, major life events etc etc
I was just SHOCKED. My heart is breaking.

I have several medical conditions of my own. I have always prided myself on my positive outlook, and the struggles I went through to get to where I am. As some of you know, my Dad took his life in March. Needless to say, my coping skills have gone right out the window! I had a good handle on it, it was breaking my heart, but I was coping. Since my Dad’s loss., I can’t. It isn’t for lack of trying….

Yesterday, in the kindest way possible, my doctor told me “ something you need to know, and keep in mind… Alzheimer’s is a terminal disease. As such, if he develops secondary conditions, such as phenomena, or infection for example… most doctors will advice you to not treat him… a word you may recognize is Hospice.

My reaction……OMG!!! Am I hearing what I think I am hearing???? Are you saying, if he gets sick,
I am suppose to refuse treatment so he can die faster???!!

I of course starting bawling! With tears in his eyes, as he cares deeply for Lynn …. He said yes Nik, that is exactly what I am saying. He said it is “standard medical practice” with terminal cases. And in cases such as Lynn’s where the Alzheimer’s is so severe … it was the kindest thing to do. He said it is only when family member can not let go, and insists on treatment , that they would treat him. I know he said this in love, he has seen us through so much, so much.

We all have heartbreak, it is part of life. So I wont go into my life. I will only say I have in the past turned my back on God. With the recent loss of my Dad…. and now the impending loss of my husband, my life….
I fear this is where I am headed again. Since yesterday I have been repeating two words over and over. Some times out loud, some times silently ……… I’m Done.