Holly,

I'm SO sorry to hear about everything that you, your family and grandmother are going through right now! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here for you!

I also understand the 'Why' subject that you are dealing with now! My nanan suffered from Progressive MS since she was 38 years old and I always thought it was unfair that she had to deal with that and kept wondering why she had to suffer from all of that. She was the best grandma ever and always helped people and it was SO unfair that she had to deal with everything that she did during her lifetime! She passed away when I was 6 years old and whilst it was so very hard for all of us, I now know that she is at peace and is no longer suffering.

When I was 12 years old, I developed RSD (which is similar to MS) and went through the whole 'Why' situation again. I was really angry that I had been given RSD at such a young age and that I couldn't have a normal childhood. I still ask the why's but not as much now as I have been having input from my Psychologist.

When I was diagnosed with RSD, I also felt very sorry for my mum. She had been caring for my nanan since she was 13 years old so never had a normal childhood either really and I feel as though she shouldn't be dealing with all of this and should just have time to herself to be able to do everything she wants to. She is always telling me that it is OK and not my fault but I think I will always feel really upset for her.

In November last year, my grandad passed away at 68 years old. I went through the whole 'Why' situation again and still do sometimes. My grandad was great and so caring - everybody loved him. He was always raising money for Cancer charities, the hospital that diagnosed me with RSD etc and I thought it was very unfair that he died so young.

I guess my point is that all of these feelings are normal even though they might not seem like it now and that you aren't alone - I think all of us have dealt with the 'Why' situation at one time or another. I know that people say that God gives illnesses to good people to test them but it still seems unfair sometimes - especially when there are all sorts of criminials out on the streets and nothing ever seems to happen to them. I guess we will never really know why good things happen to bad people.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this and please give your grandma a huge hug from me! I'm thinking about you all at this sad and difficult time!

Praying for peace for you and your Grandmother Holly. I've also had so many times when I asked "why?"

Thanks everyone again. I'm struggling less with faith right now - maybe I'm just too tired to think it through anymore! You have all given me some peace and reassurance that I'm not being a bad Christian and for that, I'm so grateful.

I had a total epiphany this morning when I was in the shower getting ready for church. I do my best praying and thinking in the shower! I think it was all the prayers and thoughts from you guys and I really feel God sent me a big dose of peace today.

I just realized what I would have told anyone else who was going through this. None of the decisions that I made about Grandma's care could possibly affect the outcome. This is up to God and I now realize that He has determined the course of things.

How could I possibly think that I was responsible for altering the course of her life? He will take her according to His plan and schedule whether or not I decided to do more or less chemo and whether I decided to do more PT or to not put in the feeding tube.

If He wanted her sooner, He would have taken her then. Who was I to think that I was influencing the course of things? I'm kind of chuckling at that thought now. I'm just here working through it one day at a time and hopefully doing an OK job of taking care of things for her. So, really, I now believe that everything is as it should be.

I was sitting in church listening to the readings and since this is the season of Easter, everything is still focused on Jesus' death and resurrection. In one of the readings, there was a line that read "to do whatever thy hand and thy plan had predestined to take place". This was from Acts 4 speaking about how everyone and everything had come together against Jesus in order to crucify him - it was predestined. This was so comforting to hear in a way. The disciples could no more stop or change what was to happen to Jesus than I can do anything to change what will happen with Grandma.

The Psalm today was the 23rd Psalm which is always so peaceful and visual to me. I love the imagery of the green pastures and still waters and of course the most comforting line to me is "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me".

I do not believe in coincidences. I do believe that these readings, the Psalm, and the sermon were all reinforcements of the realization and feeling of overwhelming peace that I had earlier in the morning. I needed to hear those things at this particular time. I feel very OK now.

how very encouraging to read your post this morning Holly

God's perfect timing is so amazing!!

Hi Hollym,

I am so glad the Holy Spirit spoke to you today. God is amazing and his plan is divine.
My mom and aunt where both wonderful christian women. I had the honor to be with them when they passed. The days that lead to them going home were long and I was tiered. I read the Bible to them for what seemed like days.
I would read about the streets of gold in heaven. I can't even begin to imagin what God has in store for us. Our journey here on earth will be well worth it when we see Jesus.
I read somewhere that to present at the birth of a child is to wittness a miracle to be with someone who passes is an honor. I do believe that is what you are going to experence with your grandmother. Hold tight to the hand of the Lord and he will give you strength. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME Philipians 4:13[/B]

Hey Holly! I've been following your other thread and I'm so relieved that you are feeling better about the course of these past few wks. Hang on to your faith and know that there will be times when it will be tested.

I agree w/Twink in that, sometimes talking w/people who are ''in the know'' of what you are going through can be extremely helpful. When my dear Father was under Hospice care, the Hospice Pastor came to see him and us daily. It was so comforting to talk w/her.

Also, when my Mother was ill, the Hospice Soc Worker was right there w/us, talking us through those rough spots and as you know, there are many. Our own Pastor was also a great source of comfort.

When I lost my G'parents, I felt so sad b/c I didn't have my G'parents any longer. Now, I've lost both of my parents and I feel sad, but I also know that while they were here, they were the most caring loving parents, so I was blessed to have them as long as I did. I felt like the changing of the guard was now on me. My DH's Father passed away at the age of 58, so I look at that and remember that my parent's were both in their late 70's and I had a wonderful relationship w/them.

Take care Holly and know that we are here for you.

Sending prayers for Grandma to dance into Grandpa's loving arms when the Lord sends for her.

Just wanted to thank you all and let you know that Grandma is at peace. She died at 11:32 last night. We had called hospice to come over because she was really struggling to breathe. Yesterday she was really totally unresponsive all day, but I know she could hear because she did react to sounds. At one point I hugged her and stroked her face and told her it was OK to go. I told her to say hi from me to my Mom, Grandpa and Uncle Doc when she gets there.

I just can't quite believe she is gone now. I walk past her room and she isn't there. I miss her so much.