Mark is, mostly upbeat .. But he shows this front as he wants US to keep upbeat too. Sorry for swearing, but life is a **** at times. We keep on climbing up off of the floor, life kicks you in the guts again .. But wear are all strong and good at heart people .. We will get through most things.

Mark. Big hugs.

Yup Saffy
 

Showing the front is part and parcel of the necessity of life to maintain a steady hand on the helm, and good direction with the wind, managing the swells so the craft is steady......

Do I cry? Yes. Two days ago, I sat in my office and cried because the pain was so so very awful. Do I sob? Last Thursday night, just before going to the OR the next morning, I sat on our bed and started sobbing because the pain was so very bad, and I am rightly tired of the full bent of this pain as it wreaks havoc on my family and those who care for me. I know my wife's heart is rent asunder when I fall prey to pain, whether I am sobbing, or she can just see the "look" of woe on my face, or in my eyes which NEVER LIE.

Even so, I feel blessed good things are happening in our lives, both within my family and here in this special place!! Just yesterday, I was able to receive a call from a young lady whom I have mentored, her job lost to a layoff, and by that afternoon and a recommendation from me she was hired into a position for which she is perfectly suited to support as her single Mom family requires, the two beautiful and smart young ladies she brought into the world.

My heart swells with gratitude when I am able to help another soul. EVEN WHEN, or more precisely DESPITE THE FACT I AM HURTING SO VERY BADLY it becomes excrutiatingly painful to type words on this page as is the case right now...... BUT these words are so very necessary, as when we each share, hope is dispensed for others to feel. I love to share hope. It thrills me to know God is behind all of this.

Thus, I cry, I dispense hope, I depend upon God, I covet the prayers and energetic thoughts each of you so freely share.
Filled with hope, each of us can tolerate another minute, another hour, another day,
I am blessed,
and hurting,
but no tears for this very minute,
Mark56:grouphug:

Mark,

Great is your positive outlook to life even when filled with unrelenting pain and depression. You always make me stop and think of something positive in my life (i.e. grandkids, kids, and hubby) I pray that you are given relief and peace.

After having read many pages of your threads I just realized you are in the mountain area of Colorado. I am heading to Breckenridge, CO tomorrow. I have family history in Victor and Colorado Springs. I am hoping that the fires won't stop me from visiting Cripple Creek and Victor to see the mining museum and the Portland Mine.


I am sorry to hear about your pain. Life is certainly a stage of ups and downs that I never quite understood or planned for. It may always have been the human condition but I wish my parents and grandparents had given me a little more warning about that ;-).

Pizza--- We LOVE spending time up around Victor and Cripple Creek, as there is SO MUCH HISTORY!!!! Highway 24 up from Colorado Springs to Woodland Park is CLOSED because of the fire. You would have to try to approach from South Park via 24 from the west, or up Phantom Canyon Road from Canon City, and scuttlebut is the fire is driving northwesterly away from Pikes Peak and Colorado Springs..... if it did, it would burn all of the new growth forest sprung up from the Hayman fire aftermath.

Life IS, and through its many trials we can choose to grasp and recognize our blessings in a walk to note the beauty of life, or we may descend into the pit of despair whence springeth depression. I was very much in that pit right after withdrawal from all of the pain management meds and opiates. It was a frightening and awful place. Filled with darkness and hopelessness, very nearly snuffing out my life. God reached through the mist of gloom to save me in order that I might know and realize the blessings which were surrounding me all along. Golly, I had done all of the HARD work of pharmeceutical withdrawal, and life was just ready to begin seeing the old Mark once again. I am so glad I am still around. Let me know if you are going to get into the Denver area! It would be cool to connect for real by meeting!

Blessings on you Pizza,
Mark56:grouphug:

Surgery via scope next Friday at 6:30am again
 

Going to attempt one last try to avoid fusion at C6/C7 next Friday 6:30am. Steroids again will flood the disc and nerve roots from double anterior and posterior penetrations. Your continued prayers on this will be gladly humbly accepted. Left arm still complete numb as though dead. Right now has feeling and hurts like some banshee screaming and tongue and mouth holding their own.

If this is nada, then fusion it is and as rapidly as can be scheduled to avoid permanent nerve damage to the upper half of the body [gee am I talking about myself in the third person?]. I am woefully tired from the pain and the stress the body tissues have been under these seven years. This is not a face, it is the real me. Worn out. Yes, I eventually sleep after meds knock me out since pain prevents me from falling asleep as per normal routine.

My Boston Sci stim is still singing a merry tune on the lower half of the body. Working like a charm. But for this upper body pain, I would not be back on pain management meds. I had to start a blood pressure med today, as steroids may have a side effect of spiking blood pressure high. Mine was 179/91 just now. That is kinda bad for a guy who usually registers 105/69, if not lower.

I do feel blessed. Today, I was able to cinch the Statement of Work strategy for a key government contract which can bring much to the company for which I work. It feels good to be contributory and helpful. Besides, good work makes for the means to pay mortgage payments. True? Yes, I do feel blessed, helping a company grow to well over double its size when I joined it 9 months ago. God is working many good works there.

Must get to bed,
Prayin for ye,
Mark56:grouphug:

May you soon find some real relief for this pain, Mark. You know the saying, "When you get to the end of your rope, tie and knot and hang on"? Well, fortunately for us, we aren't the ones who have to do the hanging on.....there is One much greater who is hanging on to us! May He wrap both his hands around you tightly and carry you through this.
Hugs,
Jan

Amen Jan!
 

....And to that I add declarations that the ARMOUR OF GOD as described in Ephesians 6 of the Good Book be placed on every part of your being, Mark. You are under the protection of He who surrounds you with that Shield of which NO harm can come against you. :eek:

Mercy me I've been gone a couple of days and look what I've missed. God is surely on the move. SO relieved that shingles did not get a grip on you! The outpour of support you are getting from our fellow comrades has me touched to tears.
You are brave, Mark. Bold, Brave, and Strong.
As you cry those tears, it brings you all the more closer to God and I can just picture you huddled under His mighty wing of protection.

Stay strong dear Mark

Rae
:hug:

Mark....
 

Prayers and good works offered for a positive outcome next Friday. It is understandable that your are "worn out"... emotionally and physically. The spirituality you possess will not "wear out". God is in your very being. He has used you as an instrument for all to better know and love Him.

Don't know how much Imitrex might help reduce some of the headache pain. I do take Imitrex, when needed, and did so when side effects of steroids presented itself with over the top headaches. (The Imitrex did not get rid of the headaches in the case of steroids; but did reduce the pain.) The blood pressure meds are well prescribed at this time.

Reaching out that you may know how deeply you are cared about.

(Gerry)

Colorado is a special place for our family. One of my great grandfathers was editor of the Colorado Springs newspaper and the other struck gold and ran the Portland mine. I only get out here once every ten years, though. My mom is buried in the springs and we always try to go to Victor if we can.

Yesterday was a special day. We had 44 people together for a family reunion. My dad and his three siblings were together in one place for the first time in almost 24 years! I also had all but one of my cousins in the same place for the first time in 30+ years. We had three full generations (almost) together and reconnecting. It was like no time had passed. What an awesome day!

Life really brings something to be thankful for every day.